Today I broke.
It’s been along time coming, this is beyond the ‘ugly’ cry. This was pure unadulterated rage and disappointment.
Curled up in the corner of the tub, hot water running over me, mixing with the hot tears streaming down my face. The rhythm from the water providing a background to the guttural howl ripping through my throat
Today I can’t. Yet I have to.
Dangled carrot of some normality my brain is refusing, for fear of let down
Trying to reconcile how we treat each other vs the good game most of us talk
Crushed by the weight of constant uncertainty, distrust, disappointment
The chronic pain I thought I had a handle on, has been chipping away at my ability to do my self care, my life
Screaming into the void
Feeling like I’m saying the same thing over and over, on deafness it falls
Today wrap me in softness, sit with me, allow me to cry, allow me to rage, allow me to hurt and not feel guilty for it.
I’m not asking for a fix, I’m not wanting pity.
I’m not wanting to hear it will get better
I don’t want to hear how strong I am.
Today I’m asking to be heard, loved, validated as is. Because today I’m not ok.
Standing Still at the Speed of Light 