Tag: see me

Strange Days pt 10

I made mistakes in trust, introducing my monsters by name to anyone other than the Gods 

I made mistakes in thinking everyone responds to the way I care, in kind. 

I made mistakes in thinking patience, support and love would be returned- instead finding resistance and anger from the voice of strife and ever changing rules of engagement from where I found comfort 

I made mistakes in thinking I could be valued for trying to be what I want to see in this world 

I made mistakes in thinking I was being strong, by being vulnerable 

I made mistakes in believing others treat vulnerability as a precious gift rather than a distasteful act to be disdained 

Lilith instructed not to let these experiences make me cruel, cold and uncaring

Even though I wish it, believing it will take my pain away, it is not my nature 

Strange Days pt 8

Lilith provided clarity 

Tonight provided a storm 

A few weeks ago I begged Lilith and the Morrigan from my altar to harden my heart 

I was in so much pain. 

Tonight as the thunder and lightening play outside my window. 

As nature rages, something shifted. 

It’s a strange feeling. 

Pictures and snippets of conversations from all that vex me run through my head in time with the sky 

The ‘broken brain’ so loud, anxious and defeating has sourced out a puzzle to occupy itself. The web is connecting 

I can see them clearly now

My own dysfunctional reflection too

Lilith  wasn’t wrong 

It’s a doozy 

Strange Days pt 7

‘It’s a foolish notion’ Lilith’s voice softens ‘Love is pain. Friends, Family, Familiars, – all will give and take within capacity, some are here for a long time, some less, all imperfect. Some will help you fight your monsters and some will feed them. For some this will be on purpose and for some this will be accidental but their growth and recognition is their own. You can only speak your truth without expectation. This is your lesson.’ 

How will this help me now? She is quiet, though her presence is felt. One final message she gives 

A sparrow hit the window and died beside me while  I was in the garden.  

I looked it up the divine message. It’s a turning point, grief and a loss of innocence. I need some time to understand 

Strange Days pt 6

Lilith speaks firmly 

‘They are but human, wounded, broken, not in the same way, but all carry their own monsters. Some will work to reduce and defeat them. Some have become so accustomed to the company, they will hang on to them and find twisted comfort in the damage they create. You will hurt as often as you get hurt.’

I bow my head in resigned acceptance 

‘Look up’ She commands. 

‘You may have forgiveness. You may have patience and grace. But you need not accept this in yourself. You need not accept this in others.’ 

How do I avoid the pain? I beg  the Goddess  humbly

Strange Days pt 5

Lilith asks me what I fear 

I introduced my monsters by name 

Humiliation, silence, dismissal, reduction of my humanity, misunderstanding, revulsion 

‘Do you tell other’s or let the monsters eat you alive’

I’ve tried to weaken their power by showing some to others

It ultimately never goes well. For a while, some may care enough to fight in my arena 

Eventually those same monsters get weaponized and fed 

She asks ‘what do you expect?’ 

Hope. I whispered 

‘And you have the audacity to be hurt and disappointed?!’ 

Strange Days pt 3

Lilith strengthen my spine with iron

‘I put these people in front of you 

To remind you not to loose your kindness, gentleness to the violence of your past. 

It hurts, you’ll learn and perhaps you will

Be the lesson.’ 

But great Mother can you not see 

‘What do you see?’ 

This is punishment 

For asking too much return 

And now I look to you 

‘Daughter of Lilith, redirect, take wisdom from this, of what happens when you completely let your monsters run wild, and do not nurture your tender side. When you rely on the outside world to help heal you, not only can you spread your darkness but you can get caught in others’ as they may feel trapped in yours’ 

Strange Days pt 2

I think I’ve known a while 

I wanted to believe a little longer 

Because reality stings

Signs were there 

So was hope 

for gentle honesty over cruelty 

But we have been here before 

Not with this intensity 

This time I have better sight 

and Lilith’s guidance 

Her protection will guide me 

But she does not block the pain 

It is another necessary lesson

Need, Loss, Honesty, Trust

The fallibility of broken humans 

The False Feeling of Healing

I woke from a nightmare 

Jaw firmly locked 

Screaming pain in my head 

There is no stability for me 

Therein lies the rub 

I tried 

I spoke 

………….

The nightmare resulted one regret 

Echoing through time 

You should have pulled the trigger 

When my sight went black 

You should have gripped a little longer 

Till the beat fully stopped 

Because survival has become my fools game 

‘Be what you need’

Empty accolades in the theatre of life 

Speak soft words of love, kindness, devotion 

While the deafening silence is all I’m tossed 

Criticism is all that’s pinned to my chest 

I don’t think I woke at all 

My nervous system reacts. 

Not only to the immediate moment 

but to all the ‘moments’ that came before. Moments that were never healed. 

Moments there were no breaks from. 

I do not welcome this. 

It’s not an overreaction to the now 

It’s safety training stuck in high alert 

Bind me in loving restraints 

Tell me I’m a good girl 

My nervous system reacts
Safely in the moment
Releasing some of the moments that came before
Healed
Breaking
I welcome this
It’s opening into the now
Safely retraining dialling down the alert
Bind me in loving restraints
Tell me I’m a good girl