Tag: heart

Strange Days pt 10

I made mistakes in trust, introducing my monsters by name to anyone other than the Gods 

I made mistakes in thinking everyone responds to the way I care, in kind. 

I made mistakes in thinking patience, support and love would be returned- instead finding resistance and anger from the voice of strife and ever changing rules of engagement from where I found comfort 

I made mistakes in thinking I could be valued for trying to be what I want to see in this world 

I made mistakes in thinking I was being strong, by being vulnerable 

I made mistakes in believing others treat vulnerability as a precious gift rather than a distasteful act to be disdained 

Lilith instructed not to let these experiences make me cruel, cold and uncaring

Even though I wish it, believing it will take my pain away, it is not my nature 

Strange days pt 9

There was a voice that provided comfort

And one who provides strife

They have merged into disruptive chaos 

Agreeing on some things 

I am weak because I am empathetic 

I should not be surprised how things turn out because I’m smart enough to know better 

I’m entirely too much, but each for different reasons

Can not fathom why I am willing to give people chances 

One cuts me down, constant negative commentary and criticisms 

One has retreated to their own safety 

Both make me feel incredibly stupid 

Surrounding this is so much constant noise 

The storm has quieted to just rain 

Lilith saw to it the accompaniment to my revelations was more than fitting 

Strange Days pt 7

‘It’s a foolish notion’ Lilith’s voice softens ‘Love is pain. Friends, Family, Familiars, – all will give and take within capacity, some are here for a long time, some less, all imperfect. Some will help you fight your monsters and some will feed them. For some this will be on purpose and for some this will be accidental but their growth and recognition is their own. You can only speak your truth without expectation. This is your lesson.’ 

How will this help me now? She is quiet, though her presence is felt. One final message she gives 

A sparrow hit the window and died beside me while  I was in the garden.  

I looked it up the divine message. It’s a turning point, grief and a loss of innocence. I need some time to understand 

Strange Days pt 2

I think I’ve known a while 

I wanted to believe a little longer 

Because reality stings

Signs were there 

So was hope 

for gentle honesty over cruelty 

But we have been here before 

Not with this intensity 

This time I have better sight 

and Lilith’s guidance 

Her protection will guide me 

But she does not block the pain 

It is another necessary lesson

Need, Loss, Honesty, Trust

The fallibility of broken humans 

Everyday Insanity

You see it when you look in the mirror

The circles under your eyes, the slightly off colour off of your skin

The exhaustion sucking away what’s left of your youth

Is it illness? Stress? Unrelenting shit storm of life?

Wash your face, hoping the cleanser, water and lotion revitalize you the way it says in the ads

You sigh… all you want is to pull the blanket over your head, a good cry and then set off for the mystical woods to find your peace.

A mouth full of coffee

A mitt full of vitamins

Paint the mask on

Another mitt full of pain relievers washed down with now lukewarm coffee.

This is not life, this is a never ending grind of insanity.

Don’t let the easy tears wash away the mask. Keep reminding yourself that ‘someday’ the break will come

Or is that the breaking point?

Others have it worse, they tell you about it

You wipe tears, hold hands and encourage the breath in others-

But you can’t catch your own.

Another mouth full of coffee, don’t forget to eat? Did you eat?

Check on those you love. Smile. Do your best to ignore the din of your own internal monsters.

Life must go on, there are things to get done.

Come home, the most you can do is mind numbing scroll or watch TV

Try to sleep, hoping truly for rest and pray it looks different in the mirror tomorrow.

She

I flirt with her

We get so close, I feel her heart beat. So different than my own, it’s sure, steady, strong. She is a warrior. Her stillness is intoxicating, it fills me with want.

I tell myself a story, imagining what it would be like to have that from the inside. To inhabit such a creature, who is all at once wild chaos, yet very much in controlled command.

I flirt with her

I bring her close, we play reveal and I run. Looking at her through the glass, she is brandishing her sword. Ready for battle, ready for play. Her marks show up on my skin to remind me.

Dark swirls, symbols of memory, power and the stamp of ownership. Her voice is power, echoing in my head- my own unsteady as it passes through my lips. Unsure, I bow to that which is around me.

I flirt with her

I want to be consumed. Reborn through her body and soul. Confident, soft flesh, yielding and revealing. Open yet showing nothing to the undeserving. How can we be so different? Yet one

We flirt, each time we get closer to melding, for a moment I see through her eyes, her voice begins to sing through my lips. Fear clenches my teeth, unsure, I bow to that which is around me.

She is moving closer to the surface, her magic is written on me, no longer will she be contained. The most powerful monster to defeat is my own fear. The fear of truly feeling her within me.

Becoming one and losing myself. Unleashing that which has always been, buried under false expectations, wounds and masks of identity. Fear of not knowing her, yet so completely sure that she is what I want.

I flirt with her intensely, she begins to look back at me through the glass. Compassionate wild eyes. A spine of steel. Waiting to embrace me with the strength that has held me through so much. I allow her power to sit low inside me, hot humming passion and rage.

I close my eyes. To feel her. To feel me. The purpose in her breathe moving into mine. The strength of her heart echoing through each beat of my own

We flirt. We dance. We embrace so wholly her ancient power melts into my own passion. Awakening Accepting that this internal affair may burn up life around me The ash affording the new growth

?Me!

What is the body?

Flesh Muscle Nerves Blood Bone

Is this me?

Does it just house what is me?

Spirit Soul Memory Wisdom Love

Is this me?

What happens to the body touches the spirit, soul, leaves a memory

The sensation of love

The creation of wisdom

Not all that happens to the flesh leaves a mark

On the soul spirit

Sex may just set the flesh on fire but not deep longing/love in the soul

The body can be ‘perfect’ and house a twisted broken spirit soul

The body can be ‘broken’ and house in incredibly wise, beautiful, soul spirit

They are temporarily bound together

Each very separate but needed to create the whole

This is me

What is Real in the Mirror

I had someone tell me once that they thought what people posted on social media showed who they really are.

I completely disagree with this. We may show pieces of beliefs, portraying the perfection we desire, airing a wound or betrayal to gather momentary sympathies from faceless people who for the most part don’t really have any vested interest in the outcome. Even in real life I don’t think any of us at any time show anyone who we really are.

Most of us wear multiple masks in any given setting depending on the role we are in and the people we are with.

The closest we get is to when we can drop a few of these masks, is with a person or in a place where we feel safe. There is still trepidation as we have been taught that the masks created are to hide the ugliness and unacceptable things about ourselves. But in all honesty there is no perfection or ugly behind it, we are a kaleidoscope.

Depending on the moment and who you’re with you may drop a particular mask, but the tumblers of your being will roll and fall into place in a particular way. That is the fractal light they see.

This takes a particular vulnerability, that is hard for some, as a mask is easier to navigate.

Masks are solid, smooth, thought out creations. They can be heavy, and locked in place. Perhaps once created for protection and conforming to expectations, now a preformed prison, some resistant to internal change. It is the expected acceptable face.

The colour and pictures seen in the eye of the kaleidoscope will always be subtly different, cracks will show in different places, pieces will fit differently. The colours don’t always match. While we may spin the wheel ( an illusion of control) we don’t choose where the pieces fall.

Trust, that is the hardest part. To trust that the colourful, cracked pieces of you will be accepted as a beautiful moving puzzle. That you will not be harshly judged for what is behind your mask. In order for that to happen you must look at how you judge that on others, and how much you judge that about yourself.

Not everyone is worthy of seeing the beautiful art behind the masks we wear. But allow yourself to treasure your own and know that each person you encounter is not just the mask they are showing in that moment, but a collection of things that are ever changing underneath.

Yesterday was 50- How the rest of the ‘big’ day went

Yesterday I left my story unfinished about crossing the threshold to my 50s. I was feeling conflicted. I had not asked for fireworks or a big band. But I think part of me wanted that.

I had not yet passed noon of the day and conveyed that my feeling about the whole thing was deflated. I should have labeled that part one….

As the day progressed it was filled with sweet messages and unexpected gifts.

After putting the pity party to paper ( or screen if you will) the day began in earnest. A friend knowing I was chilling at home, whisked me away for a decadent cupcake ( for those of you near where I live Crave bakery are the cupcakes you need). A lovely bit of time spent in the cool sun with tea, conversation and cake!!

The best part of it, the part of my brain that was feigning dramatic disappointment in the first part of the day got to eat a little crow later.

My husband let slip there is a date awaiting Saturday night….. but no further details. I would love a clue about how I should dress and how far I need to dig into my closet.

Then we then went to dinner as our little family of three. I did choose the restaurant, a simple one, where we can count on the food being tasty and the three of us ate heartily. It was the laughter of my family filled me most. It seemed like a while since that had happened, but there was much wit and giggles. Back home to more magical treats of another deck of Tarot based on a family favourite movie ( Nightmare Before Christmas for the win), a beautiful dish for treasures duly guarded by a dragon and a cake, while not from my childhood favourite bakery, a wonderfully rich chocolate confection. After the wish candles were all blown out we dug in and filled the sweet tooth craving.

I went to bed loved and content. Relishing the moment where my brain was quiet, the monsters had nothing to chew on. This was the best way to enter 50.