Strange Days pt 11

When I asked Lilith to help me see and I felt something break,

It was the prism I was looking through.

The one that held illusions, of myself, of the world around me.

The one that softened flaws, amplified hope.

It is shattered at my feet

I have stepped into the mound of shards

Reaching in, sifting them with my hands

Seeing the reflections of every time I betrayed myself

Every time I allowed betrayal without comment

Watching it turn to bloody dust in my grasp

I am changed, changing

It’s what the storm brought me

This hurts deeply

The wounds will scar over

I will get on with it.

Strange Days pt 10

I made mistakes in trust, introducing my monsters by name to anyone other than the Gods

I made mistakes in thinking everyone responds to the way I care, in kind.

I made mistakes in thinking patience, support and love would be returned- instead finding resistance and anger from the voice of strife and ever changing rules of engagement from where I found comfort

I made mistakes in thinking I could be valued for trying to be what I want to see in this world

I made mistakes in thinking I was being strong, by being vulnerable

I made mistakes in believing others treat vulnerability as a precious gift rather than a distasteful act to be disdained

Lilith instructed not to let these experiences make me cruel, cold and uncaring

Even though I wish it, believing it will take my pain away, it is not my nature

Strange days pt 9

There was a voice that provided comfort

And one who provides strife

They have merged into disruptive chaos

Agreeing on some things

I am weak because I am empathetic

I should not be surprised how things turn out because I’m smart enough to know better

I’m entirely too much, but each for different reasons

Can not fathom why I am willing to give people chances

One cuts me down, constant negative commentary and criticisms

One has retreated to their own safety

Both make me feel incredibly stupid

Surrounding this is so much constant noise

The storm has quieted to just rain

Lilith saw to it the accompaniment to my revelations was more than fitting

Strange Days pt 8

Lilith provided clarity

Tonight provided a storm

A few weeks ago I begged Lilith and the Morrigan from my altar to harden my heart

I was in so much pain.

Tonight as the thunder and lightening play outside my window.

As nature rages, something shifted.

It’s a strange feeling.

Pictures and snippets of conversations from all that vex me run through my head in time with the sky

The ‘broken brain’ so loud, anxious and defeating has sourced out a puzzle to occupy itself. The web is connecting

I can see them clearly now

My own dysfunctional reflection too

Lilith wasn’t wrong

It’s a doozy

Strange Days pt 7

‘It’s a foolish notion’ Lilith’s voice softens ‘Love is pain. Friends, Family, Familiars, – all will give and take within capacity, some are here for a long time, some less, all imperfect. Some will help you fight your monsters and some will feed them. For some this will be on purpose and for some this will be accidental but their growth and recognition is their own. You can only speak your truth without expectation. This is your lesson.’

How will this help me now? She is quiet, though her presence is felt. One final message she gives

A sparrow hit the window and died beside me while I was in the garden.

I looked it up the divine message. It’s a turning point, grief and a loss of innocence. I need some time to understand

Strange Days pt 6

Lilith speaks firmly

‘They are but human, wounded, broken, not in the same way, but all carry their own monsters. Some will work to reduce and defeat them. Some have become so accustomed to the company, they will hang on to them and find twisted comfort in the damage they create. You will hurt as often as you get hurt.’

I bow my head in resigned acceptance

‘Look up’ She commands.

‘You may have forgiveness. You may have patience and grace. But you need not accept this in yourself. You need not accept this in others.’

How do I avoid the pain? I beg the Goddess humbly

Strange Days pt 5

Lilith asks me what I fear

I introduced my monsters by name

Humiliation, silence, dismissal, reduction of my humanity, misunderstanding, revulsion

‘Do you tell other’s or let the monsters eat you alive’

I’ve tried to weaken their power by showing some to others

It ultimately never goes well. For a while, some may care enough to fight in my arena

Eventually those same monsters get weaponized and fed

She asks ‘what do you expect?’

Hope. I whispered

‘And you have the audacity to be hurt and disappointed?!’

Strange Days pt 4

Lilith asks me to hold a mirror

Lilith questions my ability to see the patterns she places in front of me.

I want to add light to other’s darkness hoping it illuminates my own

I behave as the person I ‘need’ in the world, hoping for the same return

I seek safety and non judgement for my past and the monsters I carry with me from then.

I want to be seen, treasured and loved. I give so much to ensure this because I believe my own person is not enough

I crave community to make up for being alone

It has created a lack of self that is easily wounded

‘Do you see how these patterns lead you to what they do?’

I feel sick

Strange Days pt 3

Lilith strengthen my spine with iron

‘I put these people in front of you

To remind you not to loose your kindness, gentleness to the violence of your past.

It hurts, you’ll learn and perhaps you will

Be the lesson.’

But great Mother can you not see

‘What do you see?’

This is punishment

For asking too much return

And now I look to you

‘Daughter of Lilith, redirect, take wisdom from this, of what happens when you completely let your monsters run wild, and do not nurture your tender side. When you rely on the outside world to help heal you, not only can you spread your darkness but you can get caught in others’ as they may feel trapped in yours’

A Witch’s Eulogy

Burn it all down

Always bound

Other’s

Wants

Needs

Opinions

Violence

Only loved when you gave

Eyes turned to the sky

No more begging

For love

To be seen

Monsters light the match

Let them warm themselves by the fire

Burn bitch burn

One by one they will turn their backs

As the flames die down

They will go

As the ashes cool

They will not recognize the creature

That will rise

Burn it all down