Tag: truth

The False Feeling of Healing

I woke from a nightmare 

Jaw firmly locked 

Screaming pain in my head 

There is no stability for me 

Therein lies the rub 

I tried 

I spoke 

………….

The nightmare resulted one regret 

Echoing through time 

You should have pulled the trigger 

When my sight went black 

You should have gripped a little longer 

Till the beat fully stopped 

Because survival has become my fools game 

‘Be what you need’

Empty accolades in the theatre of life 

Speak soft words of love, kindness, devotion 

While the deafening silence is all I’m tossed 

Criticism is all that’s pinned to my chest 

I don’t think I woke at all 

Rinse and repeat

This moment keeps repeating 

A loop 

The answer I claim not to know 

Sits low in the pit of my stomach 

Every time the moment loops 

The pit grows 

But 

What if? 

How many times can I ask myself this? 

The loop comes again 

Tonight I almost felt swallowed by it 

Sorrow weighs heavy 

I can talk myself out of anything 

Almost 

Until the moment loops again 

Sigh 

Moon Enlightenment

Watching Her through the window

I catch sight of my reflection 

My cheeks seem to sparkle 

The Moon’s gentle light, transforming the trails of my tears  

Melancholy Grief 

So much of myself lost 

Given and taken away 

The silver rivulets tracing cracks I’m trying to repair 

Trying to feel worthy 

I am not a throw away vessel to be used and emptied 

This was (is) my failure

Her light reflects on my face, the idea I am wearing her magic, the only love that will protect me 

Is my own 

Empty

There are no heroes 

There is no one to admire 

Pretty Art 

Is better 

Anonymous 

Can not trust a stranger 

Can not trust a known 

Can not believe the poetry from your lips 

Disguising the monster 

There are no heroes 

There is no one with out a mask 

An honest heart 

The words I love that built worlds in my mind 

Have tainted 

My own heart and awakened a distrust 

I long thought healed 

Everyday Insanity

You see it when you look in the mirror

The circles under your eyes, the slightly off colour off of your skin

The exhaustion sucking away what’s left of your youth

Is it illness? Stress? Unrelenting shit storm of life?

Wash your face, hoping the cleanser, water and lotion revitalize you the way it says in the ads

You sigh… all you want is to pull the blanket over your head, a good cry and then set off for the mystical woods to find your peace.

A mouth full of coffee

A mitt full of vitamins

Paint the mask on

Another mitt full of pain relievers washed down with now lukewarm coffee.

This is not life, this is a never ending grind of insanity.

Don’t let the easy tears wash away the mask. Keep reminding yourself that ‘someday’ the break will come

Or is that the breaking point?

Others have it worse, they tell you about it

You wipe tears, hold hands and encourage the breath in others-

But you can’t catch your own.

Another mouth full of coffee, don’t forget to eat? Did you eat?

Check on those you love. Smile. Do your best to ignore the din of your own internal monsters.

Life must go on, there are things to get done.

Come home, the most you can do is mind numbing scroll or watch TV

Try to sleep, hoping truly for rest and pray it looks different in the mirror tomorrow.

She

I flirt with her

We get so close, I feel her heart beat. So different than my own, it’s sure, steady, strong. She is a warrior. Her stillness is intoxicating, it fills me with want.

I tell myself a story, imagining what it would be like to have that from the inside. To inhabit such a creature, who is all at once wild chaos, yet very much in controlled command.

I flirt with her

I bring her close, we play reveal and I run. Looking at her through the glass, she is brandishing her sword. Ready for battle, ready for play. Her marks show up on my skin to remind me.

Dark swirls, symbols of memory, power and the stamp of ownership. Her voice is power, echoing in my head- my own unsteady as it passes through my lips. Unsure, I bow to that which is around me.

I flirt with her

I want to be consumed. Reborn through her body and soul. Confident, soft flesh, yielding and revealing. Open yet showing nothing to the undeserving. How can we be so different? Yet one

We flirt, each time we get closer to melding, for a moment I see through her eyes, her voice begins to sing through my lips. Fear clenches my teeth, unsure, I bow to that which is around me.

She is moving closer to the surface, her magic is written on me, no longer will she be contained. The most powerful monster to defeat is my own fear. The fear of truly feeling her within me.

Becoming one and losing myself. Unleashing that which has always been, buried under false expectations, wounds and masks of identity. Fear of not knowing her, yet so completely sure that she is what I want.

I flirt with her intensely, she begins to look back at me through the glass. Compassionate wild eyes. A spine of steel. Waiting to embrace me with the strength that has held me through so much. I allow her power to sit low inside me, hot humming passion and rage.

I close my eyes. To feel her. To feel me. The purpose in her breathe moving into mine. The strength of her heart echoing through each beat of my own

We flirt. We dance. We embrace so wholly her ancient power melts into my own passion. Awakening Accepting that this internal affair may burn up life around me The ash affording the new growth

Rage ( Pt2, the Kicker)

The kicker

I’ve worked so hard from where this knocked me to the last time I was finding ‘self’.

I built hope

Hope that there was misinformation and miscommunication that could be healed

But I was so far down, buried in shame

Things I held true disintegrated like my hard fought ability to trust

But I resolved to build, trusting the vision I had would come, it feels like it is meant to be. The feelings of love in my heart would build a better foundation

Every baby step I make, a look or breath of a word can knock me down.

I resolve to lead by an example.

I resolve to lead without shame

I resolve to stay open to love and trust

I resolve to stop letting myself down and treasure the very humanness I am told is what shines ( not shame as the whispers say)

Rage -venting the feelings (pt 1)

Rage

Don’t pay me lip service

If you ask me what I need

That is not enough – not without action

If I ask you to come to my playground because I’m always at yours

Don’t decline because it ‘doesn’t suit you’

Raging about my gender will upset me

Raging with out room for learning and compassion will shut me down

Making it know that parts of me, things I care for and hold dear are ‘not your cup of tea’ so

you ignore them completely, shows me you do not accept me for who I am

Your rage breaks me apart. My shame can bury me. This time my rage will help me rise