Strange Days pt 12

Lilith did not only require me to look into the mirror

But strip bare

Open my chest and pull apart not only my heart but my soul

It’s these moments I crave an animal like connection

I can feel the primal pulse revealed that merges my heart and soul

I can see the scars and open wounds

‘Call your power back’

Her whisper sends chills along the back of my neck

‘Your monsters, their monsters – to lessen their power you must take yours back’

It occurs to me, power is not only in becoming victorious, but in my ability to accept the defeats and how I come back.

Strange Days pt 11

When I asked Lilith to help me see and I felt something break,

It was the prism I was looking through.

The one that held illusions, of myself, of the world around me.

The one that softened flaws, amplified hope.

It is shattered at my feet

I have stepped into the mound of shards

Reaching in, sifting them with my hands

Seeing the reflections of every time I betrayed myself

Every time I allowed betrayal without comment

Watching it turn to bloody dust in my grasp

I am changed, changing

It’s what the storm brought me

This hurts deeply

The wounds will scar over

I will get on with it.

Strange days pt 9

There was a voice that provided comfort

And one who provides strife

They have merged into disruptive chaos

Agreeing on some things

I am weak because I am empathetic

I should not be surprised how things turn out because I’m smart enough to know better

I’m entirely too much, but each for different reasons

Can not fathom why I am willing to give people chances

One cuts me down, constant negative commentary and criticisms

One has retreated to their own safety

Both make me feel incredibly stupid

Surrounding this is so much constant noise

The storm has quieted to just rain

Lilith saw to it the accompaniment to my revelations was more than fitting

Strange Days pt 8

Lilith provided clarity

Tonight provided a storm

A few weeks ago I begged Lilith and the Morrigan from my altar to harden my heart

I was in so much pain.

Tonight as the thunder and lightening play outside my window.

As nature rages, something shifted.

It’s a strange feeling.

Pictures and snippets of conversations from all that vex me run through my head in time with the sky

The ‘broken brain’ so loud, anxious and defeating has sourced out a puzzle to occupy itself. The web is connecting

I can see them clearly now

My own dysfunctional reflection too

Lilith wasn’t wrong

It’s a doozy

Strange Days pt 7

‘It’s a foolish notion’ Lilith’s voice softens ‘Love is pain. Friends, Family, Familiars, – all will give and take within capacity, some are here for a long time, some less, all imperfect. Some will help you fight your monsters and some will feed them. For some this will be on purpose and for some this will be accidental but their growth and recognition is their own. You can only speak your truth without expectation. This is your lesson.’

How will this help me now? She is quiet, though her presence is felt. One final message she gives

A sparrow hit the window and died beside me while I was in the garden.

I looked it up the divine message. It’s a turning point, grief and a loss of innocence. I need some time to understand

Strange Days pt 6

Lilith speaks firmly

‘They are but human, wounded, broken, not in the same way, but all carry their own monsters. Some will work to reduce and defeat them. Some have become so accustomed to the company, they will hang on to them and find twisted comfort in the damage they create. You will hurt as often as you get hurt.’

I bow my head in resigned acceptance

‘Look up’ She commands.

‘You may have forgiveness. You may have patience and grace. But you need not accept this in yourself. You need not accept this in others.’

How do I avoid the pain? I beg the Goddess humbly

Strange Days pt 5

Lilith asks me what I fear

I introduced my monsters by name

Humiliation, silence, dismissal, reduction of my humanity, misunderstanding, revulsion

‘Do you tell other’s or let the monsters eat you alive’

I’ve tried to weaken their power by showing some to others

It ultimately never goes well. For a while, some may care enough to fight in my arena

Eventually those same monsters get weaponized and fed

She asks ‘what do you expect?’

Hope. I whispered

‘And you have the audacity to be hurt and disappointed?!’

Strange Days pt 3

Lilith strengthen my spine with iron

‘I put these people in front of you

To remind you not to loose your kindness, gentleness to the violence of your past.

It hurts, you’ll learn and perhaps you will

Be the lesson.’

But great Mother can you not see

‘What do you see?’

This is punishment

For asking too much return

And now I look to you

‘Daughter of Lilith, redirect, take wisdom from this, of what happens when you completely let your monsters run wild, and do not nurture your tender side. When you rely on the outside world to help heal you, not only can you spread your darkness but you can get caught in others’ as they may feel trapped in yours’

Strange Days pt 2

I think I’ve known a while

I wanted to believe a little longer

Because reality stings

Signs were there

So was hope

for gentle honesty over cruelty

But we have been here before

Not with this intensity

This time I have better sight

and Lilith’s guidance

Her protection will guide me

But she does not block the pain

It is another necessary lesson

Need, Loss, Honesty, Trust

The fallibility of broken humans

The False Feeling of Healing

I woke from a nightmare

Jaw firmly locked

Screaming pain in my head

There is no stability for me

Therein lies the rub

I tried

I spoke

………….

The nightmare resulted one regret

Echoing through time

You should have pulled the trigger

When my sight went black

You should have gripped a little longer

Till the beat fully stopped

Because survival has become my fools game

‘Be what you need’

Empty accolades in the theatre of life

Speak soft words of love, kindness, devotion

While the deafening silence is all I’m tossed

Criticism is all that’s pinned to my chest

I don’t think I woke at all