Tag: hope

Strange Days pt 7

‘It’s a foolish notion’ Lilith’s voice softens ‘Love is pain. Friends, Family, Familiars, – all will give and take within capacity, some are here for a long time, some less, all imperfect. Some will help you fight your monsters and some will feed them. For some this will be on purpose and for some this will be accidental but their growth and recognition is their own. You can only speak your truth without expectation. This is your lesson.’ 

How will this help me now? She is quiet, though her presence is felt. One final message she gives 

A sparrow hit the window and died beside me while  I was in the garden.  

I looked it up the divine message. It’s a turning point, grief and a loss of innocence. I need some time to understand 

Strange Days pt 3

Lilith strengthen my spine with iron

‘I put these people in front of you 

To remind you not to loose your kindness, gentleness to the violence of your past. 

It hurts, you’ll learn and perhaps you will

Be the lesson.’ 

But great Mother can you not see 

‘What do you see?’ 

This is punishment 

For asking too much return 

And now I look to you 

‘Daughter of Lilith, redirect, take wisdom from this, of what happens when you completely let your monsters run wild, and do not nurture your tender side. When you rely on the outside world to help heal you, not only can you spread your darkness but you can get caught in others’ as they may feel trapped in yours’ 

Strange Days pt 2

I think I’ve known a while 

I wanted to believe a little longer 

Because reality stings

Signs were there 

So was hope 

for gentle honesty over cruelty 

But we have been here before 

Not with this intensity 

This time I have better sight 

and Lilith’s guidance 

Her protection will guide me 

But she does not block the pain 

It is another necessary lesson

Need, Loss, Honesty, Trust

The fallibility of broken humans 

A Witch’s Eulogy

Burn it all down 

Always bound 

Other’s 

Wants 

Needs 

Opinions 

Violence 

Only loved when you gave 

Eyes turned to the sky 

No more begging 

For love 

To be seen 

Monsters light the match 

Let them warm themselves by the fire 

Burn bitch burn

One by one they will turn their backs 

As the flames die down 

They will go 

As the ashes cool 

They will not recognize the creature 

That will rise 

Burn it all down 

Who’s Fighting Now?

It amazes me how the physical and mental are constantly working together and against itself, yet as a system we seem to separate them like they are two different entities. Those of us who work with people in pain know for fact that there is no separation. In the last few days I have witnessed the concerted take down my own system has pushed.

I sit here writing this missive, music pounding in my ears to quiet the internal noise. For months now I have been doing my best to keep myself steady in the what feels like never-ending stream of chaos. Some mine, so much from those I love, watching constant hits, so little reprieve and so much dead sadness. I’ve had some lows, I have had so much grace- but it always feels fragile.

The bad habits and masking always within easy reach, fighting to do the ‘good’ thing. Honesty vs hiding (provided there is a safe place). Protein, veg, water vs sugar, alcohol and carbs. Exercise, meditation, responsible medication use vs numbing with meds.

4 days ago a migraine settled in. Not surprising given the weather change, the joys of menopause and the amount of constant stress, that one of these gems would try to bust out of my brain. Raw burning cotton filled my head, the muscles down through my neck becoming cement and the inside pressure clanking so loud. Loads of water, migraine pain meds, ice and sleep. Waking the next morning the knock was still there but seeming manageable. By afternoon the take down had begun in earnest. The eyesight blurry, movement bringing waves of nausea, craving stillness, even from breathing and meds hardly touching it. The only thing making it remotely liveable was a little cannabis. Dulls the pain, gets rid of the nausea. But the opening for the ‘other’ had already happened.

So which monster took the opportunity in my weakened state? The one who hates me most. The one who wants me to believe I am only a commodity and easily replaced for almost everyone.

The ‘great massage therapist’- so many others out there, some I have trained…..

A partner…it might take time but maybe someone less complicated will come along.

A friend….. a mist that will fade quickly, there’s always another that can provide laughs, space and interest.

I leave no mark, no need, no want, no lasting anything, kinda like fast food. But…….

A mother…. That’s the tough one, that’s the one that will leave the biggest empty. That’s my biggest strongest weapon against the vicious monsters. That is the anchor.

So today, the headache has receded to a constant dull throb inside, the rhythmic chant of monsters, I am doing my best to drown out with music. The exhaustion of the last lifetime pouring down my face in rivulets. All while replying pleasantly to texts. Desperately wanting to ask for validation. Wanting to hear that my existence has meaning to others. Frozen from reaching out, not wanting to add this desperation to a growing pile of crap out there. Fear of being rejected. Fear of the fact my masks have always done such a good job that instead of being seen in need I am seen enough to get a pat on the head and reminded that this too shall pass. The absolute fear of having someone bear witness to the puddle mess I am. The fear of it being a never ending cascade of trauma and pain that will drain anyone silly enough offering physical space.

I told a friend a while back that I knew it was an absolute tragedy that I have only allowed myself the vulnerability to cry in front of another a handful of times in the last decade. Yet I have held many through their breaking moments, with out judgment and with the patient compassion I so crave. What I left out is that in those handful of times, less than half felt safe. Intentionally cruel or not, the other times I was told I am too hard to handle when I am upset or that of course I will get through, I always do..’pat on the head’, you are good now right?

There are spaces I have where I can vent but I have mastered the passive talk. The telling of the frustration, fear, complication, but no emotion, always written, never looking at anyone in the eye so they can see that I am about to break. Careful language as to not scare anyone. Being analytical, and a fast apology if I feel like I am being needy. Pull back and isolate until the need passes. Give nothing away. The amazing ability to switch gears if I can be needed instead of needing. Fucking hell I am a walking contradiction. I am in a loop of my own creation. One that offered protection when I was young but has become a prison that I can’t seem to make my own key for. So then, which came first, the headache or the bubbling tension needing attention? In some ways it matters not. This is what it is. And I know I am not he only one who has mastered this art of broken deception, yet it’s funny how lonely it still feels.

So for now, a few more Tylenol, water, wash my face and get to the gym. Let the heavy beats pounding in my head (music and pain) create a rhythm to push my self to. I’ll get through to the other side, I always do………….

Where Did the Magic Go

I call to the stars

Weighted down by the world

Expectations 

Rules

Responsibilities

Looking to the Moon

Tell me who stole my joy

Who was the thief

Where is my spark so Divine

That held the Magick, essence so sublime

The dirt so teemed with life feels cold and dead 

The brilliance of fall, muted in my vision

Worries

Disappointments

Cruelty

Yelling into the Wind

I do not feel myself

I do not feel attached 

The places I seek my magic are not where I left them

The warmth had faded like a long dead fire

Look deep (She whispers so quiet)

Remember who you are (She whispers so quiet)

Your Magick is not gone child (Her voice breaking through the chorus of monsters)

You have allowed the world to bury it (Her voice begins to resonate)

Listen to the beat of your heart (Her hand holds it safe)

Close your eyes child and see your spark (Her breath trying to blow life into the dull embers)

Call to the stars – let them lift you high

Look to the Moon

Let it light your way

Soften with the wind- let it uncover you

The world will not change

Do not let it change you

The Magick you seek is the Magick you are 

It was never stolen

What I Can Bring to the Future

These last few years has been a deep dive on who I am, sorting through some muck and deciding what my purpose is to be.

This is a difficult task at the best of times, and it comes at different times in life- it definitely is not something you do once or do flippantly. The deep dive coincided with the onset of Covid. But the dismantling started a couple of years before that. 

Part of the trauma/survival response I have is being a people pleaser, a care taker. This is not a bad thing to be, if it is done with appropriate boundaries and not to the point of becoming nothing but a reflecting pool. I learned so much during my dismantling about the toxic nature of my own survival strategies, some I was not even aware of. By the point of realization I was already in my 40s. 

Am I healed? No, that continues, and I am sure that it will be a life long commitment on a labyrinth path. I have gotten to the place however, where I really want to refine my purpose and what I can being to my family, friends, community and world at large.

My primary day to day career is massage therapy, a therapist as well as a teacher. I have a couple of things I do occasionally on the side, like custom aromatherapy products and tarot readings too. There is much more to who I am but these are the things I had already been doing out in the world. 

Separating my trauma response from my purpose has been tricky, there has been a lot of exploring the ‘why’ I want to do something. Do I really want to be of service or is that a trauma response? Am I wanting to help people or just make myself useful so I don’t get lost.

It has taken a lot of adjustments, lost relationships, changes in friendships and so much reflection. 

At first, wellness coaching seemed to be the path that appealed to me most, as it makes great use of my current skill set. So I began to research, it took me to some very scary places. Initially many of the seminars and classes would focus on how to help people and build your message, and soon enough it morphed into how to make a lot of money- why work with one when you can do it in groups? Have a system to sell! Find products to add in. It all very quickly became less about helping any one but the self. It all led to being an ‘influencer’. That is no where near what I want.

The term influencer leaves a horrible taste in my mouth. The engagement most times seems like a sales pitch unto itself, pushing products and easy ‘false positive’ answers. I don’t want to influence you to live like me. I want you to live like the most grounded version of you. Ok with knowing it is not all good, some things are going to suck, but that you have built the resilience to work through those down turns while honouring yourself. To realize that achievements aren’t always in the numbers, wether that is followers, on the scale or in your bank account. To get the idea of how much community is important, not so we can all be the same but learn and grow from the differences we bring to the table. The only thing I want to influence is bringing more creative good into the world. 

I also noticed that when it came to the portions of these seminars about finding your target audience that the target all seemed to be generally the same, same colour, age and generally in the upper middle class with the money to afford these expensive programs, the next phase is how to turn those targets into people who do what you do, with the promise of feeling fulfilled while making good cash. 

What about those that want the encouragement with out having to break the bank? What about those that want the sense of community where things can be shared, learned and experienced? This is where I want to be.

Not an influencer, not a ‘wellness’ coach, I’m thinking more in line with a wholeness coach. That term seems to resonate more in my soul. So what does it mean?

To me it means taking into account the whole you. You aren’t just fitness, finance or a ‘lifestyle’. You are a person with dreams, interests, a history, trying to find your way to some kind of quality and balance in this life. You want to feel better, more able to handle the demands that life places on you- this isn’t just a matter of taking the right supplement, crushing the right workout or covering with the right cosmetic. This is having the support to create your path, finding the things that will give you the inspiration, stamina and creativity to build your life to suit you. This is about building a community that is there is sit with you on a bad day and clap so loud for you on a good day. About having a coach you hears you, who helps you hear yourself and the wisdom you already have. Having someone who knows there are no easy answers but there will always be away to achieve your best.   

I want to work one on one, I want your path to reflect the unique being you are. I want to offer group get togethers for education, sharing of community resources and support, not to have a cookie cutter program thrust upon groups of people.

I have been told I will not get rich doing this. I know I need to have money to live off of, but rich is not my goal. My purpose is to support people on their journey. I want to share my imperfect truth, and accept yours, as we all strive for better. My desire is to build an accessible community that is not one just based on commerce. 

Is there an audience? I believe so. Can I find you? Will you find me? Are you ready for an adventure?

Reflections in the Morning

This body

This body

It is mine, it does not always receive the love it needs 

The reflection I see in the glass today is different 

I pushed my self to work out, 

with the promise of a little sauna respite at the end

So I sit, in the heat, sweat running in rivulets 

There is an opaque reflection of self

A halo of soft silver is being to encase my head

A look at the body reflected in the glass 

I see something familiar, but not myself

It is ancient, often found in old pagan sites 

Breasts that rest as pendulums pointing to

Rounded belly and thighs 

An ancient statue of the Goddess

Full of magic and wisdom

The sweat running became mixed with 

Tears of gratitude, tears of forgiveness 

This Body

This Body

I have been so cruel to this shell,

Denying food, punishing exercise 

Comparison, disgust for not reaching standard that are not mine

Seeing acceptance as failure

Demand it to become something it is not

Believing respect will only come when…..

In this moment the Goddess looked back at me

Reminding me that care, love and compassion are important

That food is care, nourishing is important 

Gratitude for the abundance I have access to

Exercise is strength, mobility 

Not punishment, not to force a vision that does not suit

The view she shows me is to love the embodiment of who I am

The softness, the gentleness and the strength that is there.

Through the glass she showed me love, she reminded me to show myself

Exercise to move, eat to nourish and connect

I need to remember that view I was shown so early in morning

The clarity, the kindness, the motivation to honour the temple 

That houses my love, my wisdom, my beauty, my soul

Vision of Rage, Blind Faith

People talk as though they long for the good old days- What exactly were those? Women and People of Colour being considered property? But hey a loaf of bread was maybe a nickel! Dying from the black plague? Polio? But hey, the government didn’t mandate what went into your body. Back when you could trust politicians? Yup….. Just as much as you could trust ‘The Church’. 

Times were better when we all had god in our lives… was it? Being ruled by guilt and shame is what has created the now. Exorcisms rather than mental health help. Repressing sexual feelings, condemning sexual identity. For what? To please a complete fallacy. Jesus was not white, if we are made in the image of god, then god embodies both genders and by default is two-spirit. Lucifer was only in the wrong because they (remember in the bible angels have no gender) dared question the wiseness of a god that gave his puppets free will. 

You are longing for a time you don’t really want.

You would give up in-home plumbing and sanitation? Central heating? Being able to get fresh mango in the middle of the winter? Looking up a map complete with directions, no creative folding required? Your car? Being able to fly to a foreign country in a matter of hours rather than months? 

Fucking hypocrites.

All people are longing for is to have their conveniences, self entitlement and inflated self importance to go unabated and unchallenged. Too afraid to really see what’s going on, because, please say it isn’t so, we might have to take some accountability. 

Don’t get me wrong, I thing faith is really important to have, the belief there there is something bigger that binds us to all living creatures. But using your ‘faith’ to deny that we have fucked up our chances of a long survival on this spinning marble (fuck you flat earthers, I can’t even go to how stupid that is). Using that faith to condone/facilitate another’s death or denial of existence is grotesque. To use it to selectively deny science that ‘infringes’ on your wants, takes us into another dark age of considering scientists heretics that should be burned at the stake.

I am in a relatively safe place right now, but we are surrounded by Provences and States that are literally burning to the ground. The temperature is consistently high for long stretches of time, drying out the forests, evaporating the bodies of water that sustain us. And what the fuck do I wake up to? Idiots claiming that these fires are set by arsonists. People washing their cars, when we have been asked to conserve this resource as best as we can. Here I am doing my best to keep my veg garden going with using as little water as I can, making sure I am not using toxic chemical that seep into the ground water. Silly me- its a conspiracy, evil coral reefs selling out to corporate America. Damn faulty thermometers pretending the Ocean temperatures are getting warmer. That might hit differently when you won’t be able to get your favourite sushi because the fish dies out. 

Looking to history, there was a little thing called the fall of the Roman Empire, we are in the midst of a modern redux. Politics has again become full of bloated out of touch rich twats- modern emperors and pretend titans sucking the ‘lesser thans’ dry. The schism between the rich and the poor is a divide that no matter how large your boot straps are you can’t pull your way out of. 

We are so soft with modern convinces that the thought of having to go ‘with out’, even if it’s for the good of all, turns us into selfish monsters. The clutching of the pearls and a collective ‘how dare you!’ 

I don’t own slaves…. Nope but you benefit from a system put in place by the European conquers. 

I have nothing against the LGBTQA community but why do I have to see it everywhere?…..because they exist, and for the last couple of hundred years or so they have been ignored and dehumanized and forced to watch the prevalence of heteronormative culture. Many Pagan, non Christian cultures appreciated, recognized and even revered many of the genders through out the ages. It’s not new, it’s not abnormal, it just is. 

Everyone seems to have neurodivergence ‘things’, it’s just ways of people making excuses, this wasn’t a thing when I was a kid…. Sorry again ‘Chad and Karen’ that kid you knew growing up that was shunned, beat up and mercilessly picked, had drug and/or behaviour problems simply had a brain were are now beginning to understand and create workable places for.

I’m sick of hearing about peoples feelings, everyone has anxiety and its a little sad sometimes….. and here we are again, finally recognizing things that we can work on, things that are very real and debilitating, perhaps with hope that we reduce addiction and abuse situations. 

Life is uncomfortable. Life is challenging. Life is unstable and fragile. I get that all of this anger, hate and abject violence is simply a reflection of fear. The Fear that we need to, have to change and we have no idea what that looks like. It is challenging all the things we have been told, reflection on the things we have done and showing us what we need to do. But fuck, I don’t want to have to, I just want to do what I want, I have been told that it is my right, damnit! 

These things are other peoples problems, it is the ‘others’ that caused these things. This is what happens when you take god out of the situation. No, this is what happens when you’ve been gone from the village too long. This is what happens when you forget that at the core we all need water, air, food, love and to belong somewhere. That each human with the skin stripped away look essentially the same. That in order to live we need the water to be clean, the air to be breathable, the diverse animal and plant life to be sustained. 

Our survival depends on how we treat our most vulnerable. Our survival depends on the realization that monetizing everything is killing us. Our survival depends on recognizing the failings in our history and committing to do better. Our survival depends on recognizing our line of enough and be willing to share. Our survival depends on understanding that we can have faith, and that science does not need to be the opposite of that. We need to understand that we need to clean up our mess. What ever God(s) you believe in, something created this delicate ecosystem that sustains our little lives in this vast universe. We should be humbly caring for this, for us, for all of us.

If your god tells you different, if your god tells you a fetus is worth more that the woman carrying it, if your god tells you that only a few are worthy of his love, if your god tells you that you hold dominion over all, if your god chooses wealth over humanity, than you are the problem

If your politician tells you they were chosen by your god be wary of bearing false idol worship, If your politician has an us vs them mentality they are a false leader, if your politician is not receptive to you, helpful to you and only fans the hate in your heart, they are the embodiment of evil. 

I am not perfect. I don’t do this right all of the time. I am constantly learning. I am as frightened as everyone else. I am angry too. But I am not letting that guide me to any thing other than making change for a world that I want my child to flourish in, that I want to feel peace in, that I want to experience the magic it holds. I am sad, frustrated, but I am also amazed at the good that is out there. We are surrounded by fires and some people here are opening their homes, offering what they can. Some are changing their beards and gardens to more eco friendly, food producing spaces. There are some embracing cultures, genders, neurodiverse understandings wit grace and willingness to learn, to make different where they can. 

You don’t have to understand it, you don’t have to be it- you just have to have the faith in the thing that binds us all.