You work
You dive deep
You build and use your tools
You try to be accountable
Sometimes it’s little. A tightness in the chest. A tremor in the hand. Floating thoughts in tired chaos.
You work
It starts with a flutter deep in the belly. Temper becoming short as you try to hold on to the steady.
You try to be accountable.
Take a day to rest. The quiet makes the deep exhaustion deafening. Dive deep, use your tools.
The flutter grabs hold with claws and the world begins to roil. Coherent thoughts are just out of reach.
Sleep. Try to reset. Hold on to me so I don’t get carried away.
Middle of the night- clammy, claws have worked their way to the chest. Monsters screaming so loud, pulling my knees in, hands over my ears, trying pointlessly to keep out the screaming that’s inside.
Apologies tumbling from my lips, washed away by the downpour of tears. Shaking so hard, my seams threatening to tear.
Sometimes there’s a why. This time there is not a single, but fragments of everything. Real, imagined and all in between. A single why can be rationalized. The shame, I can’t get through the fragments cutting me from inside.
Shame and anger, gains feel lost.
Breathe.
Fucking breathe. Meet the monsters with compassion.
I don’t live here anymore. This once was the home in my head always. But not now.
No anger for the rushing back.
Compassion for the now.
I am human. I have cracks but I am not broken. Lean against the steady.
Breathe, held in place
Arms guiding me back to now. Keep breathing.
There will be fog. Use the tools. Medicine to dull the edge. Know that today you’ll struggle in the thick muck. One foot in front of the other.
Breath in, breath out.
The day will carry on.
You eventually will come to the other side, to begin again
You work
You dive deep
You build and use your tools
You try to be accountable
Standing Still at the Speed of Light 