Strange Days pt 12

Lilith did not only require me to look into the mirror

But strip bare

Open my chest and pull apart not only my heart but my soul

It’s these moments I crave an animal like connection

I can feel the primal pulse revealed that merges my heart and soul

I can see the scars and open wounds

‘Call your power back’

Her whisper sends chills along the back of my neck

‘Your monsters, their monsters – to lessen their power you must take yours back’

It occurs to me, power is not only in becoming victorious, but in my ability to accept the defeats and how I come back.

Strange Days pt 11

When I asked Lilith to help me see and I felt something break,

It was the prism I was looking through.

The one that held illusions, of myself, of the world around me.

The one that softened flaws, amplified hope.

It is shattered at my feet

I have stepped into the mound of shards

Reaching in, sifting them with my hands

Seeing the reflections of every time I betrayed myself

Every time I allowed betrayal without comment

Watching it turn to bloody dust in my grasp

I am changed, changing

It’s what the storm brought me

This hurts deeply

The wounds will scar over

I will get on with it.

Strange Days pt 8

Lilith provided clarity

Tonight provided a storm

A few weeks ago I begged Lilith and the Morrigan from my altar to harden my heart

I was in so much pain.

Tonight as the thunder and lightening play outside my window.

As nature rages, something shifted.

It’s a strange feeling.

Pictures and snippets of conversations from all that vex me run through my head in time with the sky

The ‘broken brain’ so loud, anxious and defeating has sourced out a puzzle to occupy itself. The web is connecting

I can see them clearly now

My own dysfunctional reflection too

Lilith wasn’t wrong

It’s a doozy

Strange Days pt 6

Lilith speaks firmly

‘They are but human, wounded, broken, not in the same way, but all carry their own monsters. Some will work to reduce and defeat them. Some have become so accustomed to the company, they will hang on to them and find twisted comfort in the damage they create. You will hurt as often as you get hurt.’

I bow my head in resigned acceptance

‘Look up’ She commands.

‘You may have forgiveness. You may have patience and grace. But you need not accept this in yourself. You need not accept this in others.’

How do I avoid the pain? I beg the Goddess humbly

Strange Days pt 5

Lilith asks me what I fear

I introduced my monsters by name

Humiliation, silence, dismissal, reduction of my humanity, misunderstanding, revulsion

‘Do you tell other’s or let the monsters eat you alive’

I’ve tried to weaken their power by showing some to others

It ultimately never goes well. For a while, some may care enough to fight in my arena

Eventually those same monsters get weaponized and fed

She asks ‘what do you expect?’

Hope. I whispered

‘And you have the audacity to be hurt and disappointed?!’

Strange Days pt 4

Lilith asks me to hold a mirror

Lilith questions my ability to see the patterns she places in front of me.

I want to add light to other’s darkness hoping it illuminates my own

I behave as the person I ‘need’ in the world, hoping for the same return

I seek safety and non judgement for my past and the monsters I carry with me from then.

I want to be seen, treasured and loved. I give so much to ensure this because I believe my own person is not enough

I crave community to make up for being alone

It has created a lack of self that is easily wounded

‘Do you see how these patterns lead you to what they do?’

I feel sick

Strange Days pt 3

Lilith strengthen my spine with iron

‘I put these people in front of you

To remind you not to loose your kindness, gentleness to the violence of your past.

It hurts, you’ll learn and perhaps you will

Be the lesson.’

But great Mother can you not see

‘What do you see?’

This is punishment

For asking too much return

And now I look to you

‘Daughter of Lilith, redirect, take wisdom from this, of what happens when you completely let your monsters run wild, and do not nurture your tender side. When you rely on the outside world to help heal you, not only can you spread your darkness but you can get caught in others’ as they may feel trapped in yours’

A Witch’s Eulogy

Burn it all down

Always bound

Other’s

Wants

Needs

Opinions

Violence

Only loved when you gave

Eyes turned to the sky

No more begging

For love

To be seen

Monsters light the match

Let them warm themselves by the fire

Burn bitch burn

One by one they will turn their backs

As the flames die down

They will go

As the ashes cool

They will not recognize the creature

That will rise

Burn it all down

Rinse and repeat

This moment keeps repeating

A loop

The answer I claim not to know

Sits low in the pit of my stomach

Every time the moment loops

The pit grows

But

What if?

How many times can I ask myself this?

The loop comes again

Tonight I almost felt swallowed by it

Sorrow weighs heavy

I can talk myself out of anything

Almost

Until the moment loops again

Sigh

My nervous system reacts.

Not only to the immediate moment

but to all the ‘moments’ that came before. Moments that were never healed.

Moments there were no breaks from.

I do not welcome this.

It’s not an overreaction to the now

It’s safety training stuck in high alert

Bind me in loving restraints

Tell me I’m a good girl

My nervous system reacts
Safely in the moment
Releasing some of the moments that came before
Healed
Breaking
I welcome this
It’s opening into the now
Safely retraining dialling down the alert
Bind me in loving restraints
Tell me I’m a good girl