Tag: growth

Strange days pt 9

There was a voice that provided comfort

And one who provides strife

They have merged into disruptive chaos 

Agreeing on some things 

I am weak because I am empathetic 

I should not be surprised how things turn out because I’m smart enough to know better 

I’m entirely too much, but each for different reasons

Can not fathom why I am willing to give people chances 

One cuts me down, constant negative commentary and criticisms 

One has retreated to their own safety 

Both make me feel incredibly stupid 

Surrounding this is so much constant noise 

The storm has quieted to just rain 

Lilith saw to it the accompaniment to my revelations was more than fitting 

Strange Days pt 7

‘It’s a foolish notion’ Lilith’s voice softens ‘Love is pain. Friends, Family, Familiars, – all will give and take within capacity, some are here for a long time, some less, all imperfect. Some will help you fight your monsters and some will feed them. For some this will be on purpose and for some this will be accidental but their growth and recognition is their own. You can only speak your truth without expectation. This is your lesson.’ 

How will this help me now? She is quiet, though her presence is felt. One final message she gives 

A sparrow hit the window and died beside me while  I was in the garden.  

I looked it up the divine message. It’s a turning point, grief and a loss of innocence. I need some time to understand 

Strange Days pt 6

Lilith speaks firmly 

‘They are but human, wounded, broken, not in the same way, but all carry their own monsters. Some will work to reduce and defeat them. Some have become so accustomed to the company, they will hang on to them and find twisted comfort in the damage they create. You will hurt as often as you get hurt.’

I bow my head in resigned acceptance 

‘Look up’ She commands. 

‘You may have forgiveness. You may have patience and grace. But you need not accept this in yourself. You need not accept this in others.’ 

How do I avoid the pain? I beg  the Goddess  humbly

Strange Days pt 5

Lilith asks me what I fear 

I introduced my monsters by name 

Humiliation, silence, dismissal, reduction of my humanity, misunderstanding, revulsion 

‘Do you tell other’s or let the monsters eat you alive’

I’ve tried to weaken their power by showing some to others

It ultimately never goes well. For a while, some may care enough to fight in my arena 

Eventually those same monsters get weaponized and fed 

She asks ‘what do you expect?’ 

Hope. I whispered 

‘And you have the audacity to be hurt and disappointed?!’ 

Strange Days pt 4

Lilith asks me to hold a mirror 

Lilith questions my ability to see the patterns she places in front of me.

I want to add light to other’s darkness hoping it illuminates my own 

I behave as the person I ‘need’ in the world, hoping for the same return 

I seek safety and non judgement for my past and the monsters I carry with me from then. 

I want to be seen, treasured and loved. I give so much to ensure this because I believe my own person is not enough 

I crave community to make up for being alone 

It has created a lack of self that is easily wounded 

‘Do you see how these patterns lead you to what they do?’ 

I feel sick 

Strange Days pt 3

Lilith strengthen my spine with iron

‘I put these people in front of you 

To remind you not to loose your kindness, gentleness to the violence of your past. 

It hurts, you’ll learn and perhaps you will

Be the lesson.’ 

But great Mother can you not see 

‘What do you see?’ 

This is punishment 

For asking too much return 

And now I look to you 

‘Daughter of Lilith, redirect, take wisdom from this, of what happens when you completely let your monsters run wild, and do not nurture your tender side. When you rely on the outside world to help heal you, not only can you spread your darkness but you can get caught in others’ as they may feel trapped in yours’ 

Strange Days pt 2

I think I’ve known a while 

I wanted to believe a little longer 

Because reality stings

Signs were there 

So was hope 

for gentle honesty over cruelty 

But we have been here before 

Not with this intensity 

This time I have better sight 

and Lilith’s guidance 

Her protection will guide me 

But she does not block the pain 

It is another necessary lesson

Need, Loss, Honesty, Trust

The fallibility of broken humans 

The False Feeling of Healing

I woke from a nightmare 

Jaw firmly locked 

Screaming pain in my head 

There is no stability for me 

Therein lies the rub 

I tried 

I spoke 

………….

The nightmare resulted one regret 

Echoing through time 

You should have pulled the trigger 

When my sight went black 

You should have gripped a little longer 

Till the beat fully stopped 

Because survival has become my fools game 

‘Be what you need’

Empty accolades in the theatre of life 

Speak soft words of love, kindness, devotion 

While the deafening silence is all I’m tossed 

Criticism is all that’s pinned to my chest 

I don’t think I woke at all