TFTFL- Virus Interruptus – Last Night I Cried.

Last night I finally cried, hard. 

We have been under the isolation ‘suggestion’ for a week.

Doing our best to minimally go anywhere- just essentials, no playdates, no visitors. We can go outside but must stay the recommended six foot distance away from one another (your same in-house family members don’t count, as long as they are not ill). My job as a Massage Therapist has come to a hard stop. I teach at a local university, my hands on classes are cancelled. I have no real income, (like so many others at this time). 

My husband still has work, but his hours have been cut, and as much as it would be preferable that he work from home, his job and equipment needed will not allow him.

There is no clear answer as to how long this will be. At first we were told two weeks, now it seems more and more we are hearing at least a month. It is all perfectly reasonable, given the unknown factors about this virus. Most will recover just fine, but it has proven fatal in those with immunocompromised systems, and of advanced age. It spreads quickly and they have no known treatment, other than symptomatic. If it moves too fast through the population it will overwhelm our medical systems, and more people will die. This slow controlled isolation is to mitigate that. Those who have gotten really sick from it talk about how painful it is.

But you all know this. You all are living this too. It fucking sucks.

So why did I cry? 

It started with a difference of opinion over how to load a dishwasher. Typical long time living together stuff. But much more heightened. The tears come as my partner chuffed at my voicing the way I have been doing it for the better part of two weeks, (and for years before that, until I got really busy with my career).

For the most part in the last five years the kitchen had been his. He does a majority (90%) of the cooking and all of the grocery shopping. Until the last two weeks. 

With nothing much on the foreseeable horizon for massage and teaching I needed to do something. One of the things I understand for my mental health is that I need to feel productive, connected and of service. So I jumped into building a support community to keep peoples spirits up, cooking, and systematically cleaning the house. 

As all of you out there probably feel as well, I am tired, stressed, I am fearful of how long and what the actual losses are going to be. My anxiety is bad. Now that we seem to be ‘settling’ into this new high stress normal, the rest of life issues that went temporarily on hold when the first wave of panic hit, are letting me know they are still there.

Before this global crisis came knocking on the door, real life was also ganging up on me.  I was given another reality check about things with my body that are altering what I can do as far as my career goes. I have to face the reality that I will live with some form of pain, more than likely for the rest of my life. I had been working through some deep trauma origins to my mental health issues, having some great success with new tools (these are being mightily tested these days), but was starting to feel some fatigue from this and needed break. And my birthday is today. 

My anxiety is high around it, I haven’t felt like celebrating since my 45th, two years ago. That was an amazing party. There were so many people there I cared about. I thought that all was well. But it was not. And in some significant ways this party signified the end of my little clan of people. (There will be another essay on this, when it doesn’t trip me up so much). Now having groups of people together gives me great anxiety and paranoia- yet I am so sad to not do anything at all, as I really loved those gatherings. It is a difficult paradox.

Add these underlying things to the current situation. I am also dealing with the fact that some of my most needed tools will be temporarily unavailable to me, if I am not working, I can not afford to get my own much need massage, to reduce physical pain and help with some major anxiety symptoms. I can not just ‘reach out’ and meet a friend for a coffee, or a hug. Most people don’t have it in them to support much outside of themselves in this time, and physical contact is not to be at the moment. This scares me some, not to have these things available that I know really work. The best tools I have is trying to be of service, and relying on my spiritual practice. So I am trying to offer what emotional support I can by checking in with people I know who also are struggling with this clusterfuck reality. I am trying to offer calm, sage, words and guidance that comes to me through meditation and the cards. I am concentrating on supporting my family as best as I can, cooking, cleaning, loving, listening, kindness…. 

I feel numb and it is hard to write. When I am numb like this I can be productive for organization, taking care of others and chores. Things I can ‘control’.  When my husband and I had our little pointed exchange, I felt my eyes well up instantly and my voice shrink down. The tears were hot, they burned my cheeks. They would not stop. I quietly went to my room and sat. After a bit I stopped trying to stop the flow. It was one long shaky water fall. I wanted to howl, I wanted to scream my pain out. I wanted a hug, I wanted to get out. I wanted to roll into a ball and be very alone. I wanted to throw things, curse, throw up. Instead I silently wept, my body shook. My hands, that have been so steady this last while, still haven’t stymied the jitters. Snot mixing with the tears poured down my face and it was coming faster than I could wipe it away. I allowed this for a few minutes, and did my damnedest to pull it together. The rational voice is always loud when there is no time to fall apart.

I realize I am being controlling and territorial in the kitchen, but I need this place. I need to own it. My identity feels stolen. I am a Mother, Wife, Teacher, Massage Therapist, Pagan, Friend………………. I brought in money that was needed to run the house. But now I have no income, two of my titles are temporarily on hold.  

It is in that moment of exchange over the loading of the dishwasher I realized how lost I felt. I feel I have lost part of my domain, my role…… So much of the fear bubbled out too. The immediate fear and frustration around our current global situation. The deeper pain of all the things that have changed the trajectory of my life that I have not had any control over. Knowing his over reaction to that loading of the dishwasher was simply a byproduct of his fear and anxiety over this large scale situation that we have no control over. I needed control over something and the kitchen is where I staked my claim. 

Today, I will allow my daughter to make the deal out of my birthday that she wants to (even though we can’t go out). and I will be so very grateful that she is safe and with me.

Eventually I will do what I do, I will offer my heart, my ear, kind words, understanding. 

and I will be so very grateful for it. I will continue to seek out hope for myself and others.

But for now, because I know the tears are just under the surface, I will step away and give myself the gift of understanding that I just can’t communicate outside my little world right now. 

Understand that what we are all feeling and going through are completely normal reactions to a very abnormal situation.

Be kind, be compassionate, have patience. 

Thank you for reading