How do I love thee?

What is Love? As a noun- (1)profoundly tender, passionate affection for someone. (2) A feeling of warm, deep affection, personal attachment, parent, child or friend (3) sexual passion (4) A term of endearment or affection

It is a powerful word, yet too often thrown away on the wrong things. Do you really love the sweater that you saw in the shop window? Thrown in with a few ‘air kisses’ love ya!!! Easy to overuse and dismiss. But when you really say it and mean it, who is it for? Why?How does it make you feel when it is said to you?

The first love I really remember experiencing was that for my Mom and my Nanna. How do I know this is my first recognized love? By the utter hole it left when they both died. I could not breathe, I deflated, I lost a beat or two of my own heart. Family love, the first ties that bind.

My first romantic love came when I was young, all of 14. This was big, tingly and overwhelming. We often tell our children that their first relationship is not ‘real’ love. But in looking back, I have a very different opinion. Is it the way I experience love with my husband? No, not exactly but in some ways it is. With both, the pulse quickens, there is an excitement (that would be the addition of sexual desire), a comfort and shelter that I feel. I think that romantic love is a fluctuating balance of sexual desire and deep, profound, tender, passion and affection. The difference between that first love and the love I have now, is it’s ability to weather storms, to ride out the fluctuations that come with how life rolls. I believe this comes with maturity to know that the feelings of sexual desire will fluctuate, and that should not be used as the only measure of romantic love. It is in the ability to have one another’s back, to forgive and at times hold accountable, it is the coffee ready first thing, and the encouragement to do and be better. I am blessed to have an incredible love, it has been strong, deep, and one we have maintained through storms and calm seas. It is one that I am home in, but still get all butterflies on date night. For that I am very lucky.

I knew pure love the moment I looked at my son, and later on, my daughter. It is like a blinding white light. The depth is overwhelming, The hold it has is soul deep. This happens periodically even to this day, my son is grown and my daughter is 10. There will be just a moment I take to observe, they won’t really be doing anything special, eating dinner, laughing over a joke or telling a story about their day, and the tremor of this love bursts it’s pure white light out, it’s blinding flash gone in a second, but it is always there under the surface.

Love of the friendship kind. This one is tricky. It is easier to express to some more than others. Each one has a depth and meaning all it’s own. I truly love the people of my inner circle. My best friend of 3/4 of my life is someone I love deeply. We have been through so much, fought hard, but when the chips are down, I know she will have my back, as I would hers. She is the keeper of the record of my growth as a human. She is the best and worst judge of me. She is a part of me. There are others in my inner circle, my tribe of women who are funny, inspiring, human, messy, bright, and ferocious. I love them so very much. I am moved by what they accomplish. I am moved by the ways in which they support each other and the ways they support me. Though the women far out number the men in my inner circle, those who are there, are there for very good reason. And yes, I have a warm attachment love for them as well. They are smart, they are strong, willing, kind, humour filled people, that represent such wonderful examples of husbands, brothers, fathers, friends, They inspire and teach me from a perspective that is largely unknown to me.

I have loved pets, to this day, I get teary over each one lost to the rainbow bridge. They each have a space in my heart for the connection we still share. There are two that stand out for the depth of love and loyalty they gave me, and the depth of love and loyalty I needed to give. My dog Princess, she saw me through one of the worst periods of my young life. My familiar, my black prince of a cat Lestat. He found his way to me, when I needed unconditional love the most. For 18 years that sassy cat appointed himself my guardian, as he did with my daughter until she was 2. I mourn him everyday.

To be on the receiving end of any of the loves, having been someones child, I know that soul pull now from both ends. My mothers love was warm, light, and for a time very safe. My Nanna’s love was the same in it’s brightness and warmth. When my children hug me, or tell the way I have moved or inspired them, well, there are no words to describe that pure moment of receiving your child’s connected love. To give love romantically, with abandon, is joy, but to receive. It can be so enveloping, safe. Add to that the spark and passion of ongoing sexual desire and chemistry and it is no wonder the butterflies still go crazy. The bonded love of a pet, there is no other, even when they sleep on your face, eat your sandwich or throw up on the carpet. The nuzzle, lick and perfectly timed snuggle is worth it every time.

But there is one love I have not touched. It is the love of self. This I believe is the hardest to achieve with out condition. This is one my anxiety has diminished in me, at times, taken it away. It is an easy one to preach, but a truly hard one to live. Large ego and narcissistic behaviour often gets referred to as ‘really loving ones self’. I disagree, I think large ego and narcissistic behaviour mask self loathing. True love of one’s self also includes acknowledging accountability, being willing to learn, playing the strengths while working with the weaknesses. Celebrating one’s victories and success, but not at the cost of another. This, well, this is where the love work really lies.

It is my practice to tell people how they affect me. When I love, adore, appreciate, am inspired by, or feel gratitude toward someone, well, I let them know. Sometimes it comes across like an unintentional freight train and it freaks some people out. That’s a thing for me to work on, but honestly, I react, describe things how I feel in that moment. And in that moment it probably is big. I will let them know why. I think this is important. Interestingly enough this generally only applies to good stuff. When it is not so good, it takes me a long, long time. This has some good benefits, and some serious drawbacks. Again, an ongoing case by case lesson. I like to know how I have affected someone. It helps me to learn, learn what I am good at, learn what I need to work on. And it really is a good building block for working on the self love area.

What is love?