verb (used with object), for·gave, for·giv·en, for·giv·ing. to grant pardon for or remission of (an offense, debt, etc.); absolve.to grant pardon to (a person).to cease to feel resentment against:to forgive one’s enemies.

What is it to forgive? How do we decide whom? why? why not? Is it absolute? with strings? Is it a clear slate? a weary acceptance? Forever? Time sensitive?

I have had a couple of personal situations recently that have put many things into question, about intent, perception, communication, trust and accountability of action/reaction. And forgiveness.

I was asked how I choose to forgive someone, while not forgiving another. I have been thinking about this for a while. I don’t think it is choosing to forgive one and not another, I think this is misunderstood. I think there are different kinds of forgiveness, and you can still forgive someone but not want them in your life, or at least occupying the space they once held. And really, who is forgiveness truly for?

I believe that to forgive, has to be a conscience decision. To let go of hurt, pain, sadness, anger and fear. I believe, that while we think that we do this for the perceived transgressor, we are actually doing for ourselves. Carrying these very heavy emotions for an extended period of time can be very dangerous for our social, mental and physical health. It can use an excessive amount of energy to hold on to these emotions, to plot a grudge. The body tenses, digestion decreases, emotions run high, focus can be off, eventually decreasing the immune system and allowing the body to be more susceptible to illness and disfunction. It may change how you interact with others, how you perceive yourself.

It is very personal, to forgive. It should not be cajoled, forced, or demanded. If the emotions surrounding the situation can not be let go of, or if the lesson can not be carried forward with out dredging up the past situation continuously, to me, it would be a hollow forgiveness. A lie. To forgive does not mean everything is a clear slate, or forgotten, but it should be a willingness to move forward without bringing so much baggage along.

Intent is everything. I am easy to forgive if it was a true mistake or misunderstanding. Most wounds happen because of mindless behaviour and action. Being thoughtless is one thing. We are shortsighted when it comes to filling wants and desires, that need can temporarily override looking at the greater good. But true remorse surfaces when it is seen that the action or the potential of the action can cause pain or destruction. I am weary of immediately forgiving attack type issues, or continual repetitive negative behaviours (those without the effort of trying to learn or change them). It is often with this type of thing I find closure on my own. If the intent is to cause pain or destruction, or knowing that what was done could seriously harm someone in any way, I know in my heart that no answer given by the other party would be satisfactory to explain.

The question I pose to myself is ‘what would I get out of confrontation?’ Admittedly I am not comfortable in confrontation situations. It is a necessary part of life, but my anxiety monsters make it a hellish ride that depending on the type of confrontation can leave me with anxiety related issues for days. I am learning, continually to not react, but to take my time and look at the situation, the perceived intent, the actual importance of what happened (snapping and saying something horrible vs intent to cause harm). If it’s small, of little importance, I really try to breath and let it go, as to not cause a bigger situation. If it is a misunderstanding, no ill intent was meant, but poor or thoughtless communication/action was the issue. If we are able to talk it out, both sides claiming accountability with out the blame game and the willingness to learn. Then there is forgiveness here, with lessons being learned. It gets more complicated if there is intent to harm.

I believe that most humans don’t truly set out to be cruel. Sometimes this behaviour is created for protection, repeating what has been done to them or as a way of expressing and wanting to share the pain they, themselves carry. It is from this place that I create forgiveness for the situation. If the person is not on a path of wanting to acknowledge, better or work on these broken pieces, I find it is best to find closure on my own. No good comes from a confrontation without an end. Not a winner, per say, but a mutual understanding. Sometimes, it is just time. I can see the big picture, release the feeling that it created in me and move on. Depending on the nature, this person may be cut out or moved to the outer edges of my circle. Never cruel, just quiet.

I now appreciate time in relation to confrontation. Due to some patterning of my own, to keep my monsters a little quiet I must be very thoughtful in my wording. Just the facts and how or what the fall out was. No name calling, no cruel threats or arguments. Sometimes I need the other to try to understand the hurt they caused. A discussion, hopefully, maybe the ability to find understanding and peace. This will not always happen. And that has to be ok too.

Part of my anxiety issues lead me to chronically, annoyingly apologize all the time, for everything. At this time I am rarely looking for forgiveness for what I am apologizing for, it’s more so for the underlying cause of the behaviour. However when I do believe I have made, or I get called out on a mistake and may have upset someone I am sincere in my sorries, sincere in wanting to do better. This is also where I look for forgiveness.

It may not always come from the other, but I have learned over the years it also has to come from self. This is equally, if not more important to ones well being. If the desire is to grow and better yourself and accept yourself for the fallible human you are then self forgiveness is vital. If in your heart, your intent was not malicious, you genuinely had no sight of the outer consequences or if you really want to work at undoing what is making you lash out, then you must forgive yourself to get there. Because even if you are graced with forgiveness from the ones that were hurt, your own baggage will be too heavy to allow you to move forward.

What is it to forgive? Eventual Divine Peace.