To be vulnerable is to be susceptible to being wounded or hurt.

In battle we shore up with armour and weapons to protect ourselves. In battle, vulnerability is a liability. 

But in life, is it not a necessity to be vulnerable, to trust that if show ourselves without armour, we can be received with love, grace and compassion? Is it not needed to help build bonds and deep relationships? Aren’t these relationships integral to a fulfilled life?

A while back I was having a discussion with a friend, our topics tend to jump around considerably, mostly it is daily life, books read, current affairs, and on this particular day the subject of vulnerability came up.

We both questioned why in daily life being vulnerable with one another was mostly seen as weak and/or a liability. “Why aren’t we honest about what we need? How we feel? Where we need support?”

“Why is it we see it as a weakness? ( showing who we really are, imperfections and all, desiring acceptance/admiration) Why do we fear being vulnerable with one another? ( fear of judgment from others).”

That piece of conversation did not last long, before we vaulted to another topic. What struck me was that particular jump to another topic did not feel as organic or natural as our conversation transitions often are, it almost felt rushed, lightly forced. 

I think even discussing the how ridiculous it is that as a society, we largely frown upon being open about our needs, our fears, made us both feel vulnerable- perhaps it was the possibility of revealing that we both prized having a space created for ourselves to be vulnerable, rather than just discussing in general terms, that created the discomfort.

This momentary discomfort was very interesting, as there had been  times in the past where incidents had forced/allowed us to express emotional vulnerability in each other’s presence. Even though these occasions had happened, in this present moment, we still stumbled when it came to exploring the subject. I had no idea why. But in thinking about it now, even with those that know and love me best, I still get twisted up in knots if I need/want to discus something that is deeply affecting me. 

There is always that small fear present that what we offer up will be discounted, ignored. This can be done in a million little ways, it does not have to be outright derision, but a small brush off, ‘that’s not so bad.’, type discount. More than likely unintentional (so I choose to believe), not understanding how the words themselves can be misinterpreted, and become small nicks in the heart. 

Trust in a freefall. 

We do not always get to choose when these moments of vulnerability will show themselves, and not always with whom. 

It could be a confessional type conversation with a stranger, (you would be surprised how many of these I have had a part in, taking transit over the years.), that happens out of no where. An intense moment, that passes. Knowing that information will be safe, as the chances of you seeing this person again are slim. But you revealed a deep part of yourself, a shadow piece perhaps? (I find this type of conversation can also come after a few drinks too).

It could be an unexpected moment caught unaware with an acquaintance or more casual friend. That moment when you are hanging out with someone and you get a phone call that there has been a death or some other tragedy, something creates a deep emotional response (trauma recall, triggers) and you just lean into the nearest support you can. It has been my experience that this deeply changes the relationship, not always for the better. For some it deepens the friendship. An intimacy that creates a more layered bond of support.  For others, the intensity can be burdensome, as this was not the intended purpose of the relationship. Leading to an imbalance in the understanding of the boundaries of that connection. Resulting in a possible loss for both people.

It can be a planned interaction, therapist or designated go-to that you can share your openness, your raw heart. And still there can be a small nervousness present. But we choose to trust at that moment, we pray we will not be judged harshly, we will be held up, but for a moment, seen as still worthy, validated and beautiful despite the ugliness we feel.

We often apologize, for needing support, for needing help. There are times we feel so guilty and weak, that we force ourselves to swallow that need, pushing through and push on alone. This last one is a learned behaviour. This last one is a survival behaviour. This last one is toxic, yet somehow completely understandable behaviour. I believe this comes from having trust broken, vulnerability being disregarded. It hurts too much sometimes to face that kind of risk again.

Trust is fragile. Rebuilding is hard, sometimes impossible. If we open up our vulnerable side and it is ignored, undervalued, disdained and/or judged it can pierce like an arrow. It can cause so much pain that it may trigger a permanent shut down of being able to be vulnerable at all. This can manifest in many different ways and make for difficulty in relationships. The inability to communicate wants and needs. Being a pleaser, setting poor boundaries. Rule by manipulation, shut down, withdraw, and other self harm, sabotage behaviours.

Risk. It is uncomfortable. It can devastate. But it can be wonderfully surprising. But you have to be willing to do it. If you are brave enough to take on that risk- how can you ever be viewed as weak? It takes courage to ask, it takes courage to cry in front of someone, it takes courage to let another see your wounds and your scars. But when sacred space is held, no judgment offered, just compassion for the rawness exposed, it is an ecstasy. A deep soul relief. To be seen, really seen and supported in a less than perfect moment can be a life saver.

I hope in your life you have had to occasion to have a deeply vulnerable experience and really be seen. It is humbling, uplifting, grounding. A swiftly fleeting moment in space. I have had that fortune at some of the most devastating times and some of the most amazing times in my life. The ones that came on with out warning, that burbled up at awkward moments, are the ones that sit in such a deep place in my soul. Having been hit by grief, pounded by a flashback of a long buried trauma, anxiety monsters breaking loose- and in that moment of sudden chaos, a shoulder, a calm, a reassuring word that this moment will run it’s course. The tears and panic are not judged, but soothed, quietly let to flow. The preplanned moment of vulnerability, posting blog such as this or the one I did about my abortion. There is still a bated breath, a moment of worry that I will be judged harshly for this trust I place. But for all the times it has been met with silence or harshness it has been outmatched by the number of times I have had an amazingly deep moment of connection and trust with another person. It is because of this I am willing to take that risk. I am willing to try for that deeper connection.

Vulnerability pt 2- is to come- being on the other side.

When I was in my mid twenties a new monster moved in with my existing crew in my head. It was a fear I had never had before- one of social interaction. I stopped wanting to go out, I did not want people over ( I would get physically ill, nausea, vertigo, tinnitus)and every time the phone rang I would cry.

There was a specific catalyst at that time that triggered that additional anxiety response. Had I not fought my way through, it had begun to threaten my career, friendships, my tenuous sanity, I would have been lost completely.

The left over, so I thought, was just not being able to talk on the phone for any great length.

Twenty years later……. ‘Heeeerrrrrreee’ssss Johnny’

Yes, there has been a catalyst/ situation again ( not the same type of situation but creating a similar response).
This monster stealthily has crept in since just before my birthday this year. ( at least as far as I can acknowledge).

At first I made the assumption that I was just going inward due to too much life stress.
But recently, when social interaction is suggested or done ( with more than one person, not work related ) I have been making note of my physiological reaction, before, during and after.
Before, (coming on as soon as there is a suggestion), threat of tears, shaky, can’t catch breath, short temper, no appetite for food.
During, (Gods help me if it’s a surprise or last minute plan) I either engage too much, too loud or holding back and not engaging at all but wildly micro monitoring the room. After, moody, tired, tears, no appetite.
All of it over ridden by numbing fear.

I have also become acutely aware of what I’m using for crutches too.

Village, this is not easy. I am sad, scared and frustrated. I am doing my best to use the tools I have.
I miss my tribe gatherings.
I miss hanging with my crew at large.
I miss connecting, engaging, learning and being enthralled with your stories, your excitement, your experiences.
I’m trying to show my daughter better

I’m not sure what/when the resolution will be. But I am doing my part with what I have learned ( am learning). I’m trying to be accountable for what’s mine and let go ( not control) what’s not.

All I ask is that you don’t give up on me.
Stay looking out for each other and have patience with those of us who are sick with the unseen ❤️💜

Thank you for reading.