Change.
Change in the midst of chaos.
The only static thing you can rely on is change. But it is up to you if it is within or around you, or if you can find the harmony of riding both waves.
I have witnessed some very big and very subtle things. It is hard to put words too. I am seeing extreme fatigue. An increase in body pain and chronic illness symptoms. Complaints of short tempers, brain fog, being ‘over’ emotional, and feeling detached. Wanting to do things to improve the self, craving change of some sort- yet having no motivation, direction or drive to do so.
I have not only witnessed this in my clients, friends and family but also in my own reflection.
It was apparent before the pandemic caused the first shut down, that there were things deep in me that were not aligned, spiritually, physically or mental health wise. I had not yet realized the depth of my burn out. I did not know where to begin. My external relationships felt messy, I was constantly working but feeling like I was not accomplishing much, my anxiety was at an all time high. I had been living in survival mode and I had no idea how long this had been going on. The reserves I had to carry me through this survival living were beginning to slip. My saving grace of writing was lost to me. The comfort I had found in my spiritual practice felt painful and empty. The places I would have sought solace were not there.
In a way, that first shut down was a mixed blessing for me.
Work could no longer be a focus. I was home with my daughter. My husband was fortunate enough to stay working, so he became the designated ‘outside’ person. To work and back and essential shopping. There was no where my daughter and I could really go, we would take the dog to the park, go out to the back yard. She had online school- I had the noise in my head, and I tried to find as much as I could to distract myself.
At first we fell in line with so many other people thrust into this, she did her best to adapt to school and not being with her friends. I jumped into checking in with friends and clients, making bread, making plans of all the things I was going to accomplish while I was off. Then it trailed off… I can’t say for sure what I filled my time with- I didn’t read many books, I binged a few shows but mostly repeats of old favourites. Ate a lot of comfort carbs. Numbed the nagging feelings I was having with food, drink, THC. 15 week’s took forever and passed so quickly at the same time. Before I knew it I was back at work, and another 6 months went by.
More restless, foggy and disconnected. Constant pain, not only from existing injuries I am dealing with but my mental illness creates physical pain that had become a sharp constant. Emotional, angry, and a deep sadness I had not felt since my early 20s. I knew this place, yet I wanted to deny where I was. It might not have been the lowest bottom I have hit before, but I could not see the light. I looked at my daughter and I was so sad that this was the example she had for a mother. I was frightened for her… I felt I had lost myself, and was frightened of what she and her brother could lose too.
For them I had to find it within myself, the energy, the courage to try to come back to me.
Even though it felt like I had been reaching out and asking for help- I was adrift- yet still ‘functioning’. I was working, I was there for my friends, trying to be a good support in the midst of this impossible global situation we have going on. Trying to get educated, use the privileged place, even in my dark moments I was aware I am in. The dispenser of compassion, love, advice and humour. I kept trying tp pull the two opposing pictures of me that exist together.
I found books on not wanting to be an empath, anxiety, CPTSD, children of alcoholics, abuse victims, trying to figure out how all of these things were surfacing now. I started exploring all the reasons how I had gotten here. I had started telling people I was doing my ‘Shadow work’. This was not entirely untrue, I was sticking sharp sticks into wounds that had long been festering. I was hung up on situations from the pre-covid world. A relationship catastrophe, not just one but multiple. I was convinced I was to blame and be accountable for all of it. That the trauma that had damaged me, ruined so much in my life. The refrains of what I had been told- ‘you weren’t you’, ‘you’re too much.’ ‘You’re different’ etc…..echoed constantly in my head. I have explored this hurt in other writings, and there is more to mine I am sure, however as much as this was a catalyst for my undertaking this darker self work, at the time my motivation was wrong. I wanted to ‘fix’ the parts of me that were too much, too different…… I wanted the people I had believed once cared for me to care for me again, not to see me as the bad guy, the ‘different’ one, the one who was the villain in the story.
I began to gain a picture of my ugly side- but because I had not set up proper support to help me find the balance I was overwhelmed with my own accountability and making myself suitable to be forgiven and fix all that I thought was wrong.
In true Witch fashion I have been learning about my place in the world, how it affects me and how I affect it. I grabbed on to my spiritual beliefs, I rallied, I conjured and I prayed. I have been digging deep into my own shadow work. I realized that I was looking in the wrong places for the help I need. I accessed better ways to help me sort all of this out. I realized all the ways I had been punishing myself. I knew this was not the way. This evolved from a deep longing for change. Change in how I feel. Change in my motivation. Change in the patterning. The change I see so many craving on a personal level, community level and global level.
Am I ‘there’? Do I have the answers? Am I healed? No, but I am on a much clearer journey, I have learned so much. I see the value in who I am. I see what I am capable of. I have a more grounded view of my purpose. While I still grieve somethings that were lost, I also know I am not the villain. I am so much healthier in my mind and in my body. I have better tools for when the bad days come, I am better at honouring my self and my time. I can see the magic in this life once more and everyday day I fall deeper involve with it, with myself.
I am excited for what is coming next. I believe that my continuing journey can be of service. That the knowledge and experience I have gained can be helpful to others. That my continuing willingness to learn, seek and evolve may help others find direction on their own journey. I can’t wait to get this officially up and running, added into the work I already do.
Thank you for reading, thank you for being present.
Standing Still at the Speed of Light 