Tag: witch

Tales From the Front Line- Matter, Spirit, Past and how I see it tying in

I am a Pagan. I do not represent any one other than myself. I am a polytheist. There are many Gods/Goddess I recognize and worship. I believe that they show us signs and messages. I believe we have Guides, Totems, and Anscestors that help us along if we listen and are mindful. I believe in Prayer and Meditation. Not in order to have your problems taken from you and solved, but to help you access the strength and wisdom to navigate through life.  I believe that you have the right to celebrate and worship who you want, and that we must be respectful to each other about these matters.

I believe am a spiritual being. Therefore part of my spiritual practice to help manage my mental health also involves self care on many other facets including, physical, sexual, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual. This can be hard to manage when the anxiety monsters come, these are the first things they shut down. I did not understand the importance of this as much in my younger years as I have since turning 40. My spiritual practice is the deepest it has ever been in this life. I have much to learn. I’m also trying to figure out the timing to address all facets of health, that can be a full time job in and of itself. A huge priority has been placed on my health, physical and mental.

I believe we pass through here more than once. 

I believe we are connected on different levels with different people at different times. Sometimes we can’t explain it, we just feel it. There are ways of trying to explore those connections by different forms of channelling and divination. 

I have used my own form of connection with the Ether to try to understand some relationships I have in this incarnation. 

How one comes to those conclusions and the methods used may not fit into your particular belief framework

That is perfectly ok. We can just agree, that at one time or another we all have felt connected to another person or animal on a different, deeper level. 

I believe we tend to be with the same souls much of the time. We don’t come back continually in the same combinations (you are always the husband or the wife), I believe we inhabit all manner of humans as we pass through here on repeated returns. So in one life, mother, daughter, possibly in another, brother, sister, or maybe co-workers. 

It may not be a good connection either, it’s easy to romanticize the thought of moving through lifetimes with someone. Sometimes the relationship that has the strongest past life/ karmic connections will have some of the biggest challenges to face. It is amazing to me how much we can change and grow, if we address past life issues not yet finished. It is amazing how this can effect family karma (or curses if you will), to change for the better.

I believe there is a balance between some events that need to happen for our souls growth and to deepen our connection the the Goddess/Gods, and random stuff making us a player in someone else’s growth. 

I believe that I am here to be of service. 

To be able to help people. I am blessed enough to have been gifted a few talents that seem to make a difference for people. People who want to be seen, for who they are and who the aspire to be. People who have wounds that they just want acknowledged, who just want to not be judged. Who want find a way to ease their pain. I am not claiming that I can cure anything. Far from it. But I seem to be able to help people open up to their vulnerability and express their emotion about their pain, and that seems to have an enormous effect on how they cope with their challenges. I am honoured to support. 

There can be a dark side to this. 

When I start to believe that I am the one helping, doing. When I forget I am a facilitator, not the ‘owner’. That is when the anxiety begins. I feed off the external acceptance. I let that dictate my self worth. It becomes a hunger that is not satiated for long. How much I am needed, how much gratitude I am shown, all become my mission. I let matter rule over spirit. The monsters get restless and they begin their run. 

I have mental illness, due to experiences in my life I have chemical changes, and altered pathways that can control how I react in perceived stressful situations. But there are things that I can do to slow, decrease and mitigate an impending anxiety attack/episode. 

When the monsters start to take over, it is here I know I have lost my grounding, and I need some time to reflect before the anxiety gets worse. Often I see that I am eating more sugar than I should be, not exercising as much, not writing or meditating or sleeping very well. That I have overextended myself, taken on too much. Triggers can pop up with out warning. Sometimes I fail to address it. Sometimes I don’t have time to catch it. I end up in it, ride it out and dissect it afterward. I am learning to set up more effective boundaries, the value of ‘no’ and separation of what is mine vs what is not.

One of the first things I try to come back to is grounding myself and calling on the Ether, my Guides, my Gods, to help me find the way back. 

To breathe, to be grateful for what comes my way. 

To make peace and not condemn myself for the anxiety getting a momentary step up on me.

To step outside myself and see if I can give a hand up, an ear, company in the dark, bright connection in the light to someone who needs it. 

To listen to my intuition, not my fear. 

I spend time in Nature, meditation, time at my altar, reflecting and writing.

To me, not only is it important to understand my current life, monsters and reactions so I can be a better human. I also believe understanding my connection to the Goddess/Gods and the Universal Conscious Energy that binds us all will aid in healing, understanding my purpose and better control over my mental illness.

Witch Know Thyself- 

Hey Witch, wake up!

When I was little my Nana would talk to me about my dreams and show me how some of the things I could hear and see were useful information. She taught me that I could access these things even when I was not dreaming. She taught me how to read a plain deck of cards, to see what was, is and could be. She taught me to speak to and honour the Garden Fae. How to read what Mother Nature shows us in the sky, water, fire and movement of the plants. To listen to the whispers of the trees. To cook and bake with intent and love. To have faith and humour. And to have manners and respect for all beings. She made the colours of childhood much brighter.

I lost this amazing Crone when I was twelve. The same year I lost my Mother.

I knew early on I was a Witch. I knew the wisdom that had been passed to me was ancient at its core. The small superstitions and rituals my Nana had instilled in me, took root and bloomed in me when I was a teen, as I discovered the Craft.

But I was very young, angry, sad, lonely and had no guide. I devoured what I could about Witches, Pagans, spells, rituals. I had much of it romanticized in my head, mixed up with the core connection to the Elements.
I was not a very respectful or responsible Witch. I did spells and ritual without having the respect of the meaning and connection. I wanted so bad to manipulate the energies around me for my gain, the harder I tried, the less anything good happened. It was disappointing to not be immediately gratified. It took discipline I did not have and wisdom I was too impatient to learn.

Slowly over time the shiny color of the Craft became muted. I never fully lost my connection to the Gods and Goddesses, but it was a very small, quiet piece. And life went on. Through my twenties and thirties I would call on the Tarot now and again, the odd observance of the Moon. For many reasons I kept a fairly tight lid on my calling. 

As I approached the age my Mother was when she died so many things happened in that watershed three years. The year approaching, year of and the year after. This story is centred on my (re)union with the Craft.
Slowly into my 40s I began to revisit some of the childhood colours my Nana had created. I had a daughter of my own ( my Nana’s namesake), and I wanted to give her some of that so special magic. Gardening ( when there was time), honouring the Fae who would watch over our plants. Cooking with intent and love. Watching the sky, talking to the animals and hugging the trees to hear their whispers. 

At 43 ( the ‘year approaching’) a fuse was lit. A small stream of air, feeding the embers that were beginning to grow in my soul. As random as the connection seemed at the time, looking back, I really don’t believe that at all. I know not the full extent of the meaning, but at the time was a catalyst for much of what was to come. But it hi-lighted the need, the draw, the pull, that I had to fall fully into ritual, cards and magic. It came on like a runaway train.

Of course at the start of this reawakening, there was the rush of familiarity, the hum of playing with Energies, calling on the Spirits of the Ethereal.
But as the ‘year of’ began to wane, the reality of how much work there was to this, the responsibilities, the knowledge yet untapped, started to set in. There was still an air of fun, play, discovery and connection. But this too, would undergo much fracture, change and alteration. 
As the ‘year after’ came to pass, the lessons and detachment were becoming obvious, self reflecting and painful. That what I believed, this journey was to be undertaken not as a Solitary, but that there were others to walk at my side, was indeed false. And an unfair assumption. The harder I wanted to hold on to that rush, bright coloured, beautiful light, the faster it seemed to slip away, some reasoning understandable, some still confusing. 

As yet another tidal wave of change began, and healing was sought, I fought hard to keep my faith. I opened my eyes to the truth that no one walks a journey with anyone else. We may be side by side, but perceptions and needs are never the same. We may be side by side for a little or a long time. We may part, temporarily in this life, or understand we must wait till the next to again share a piece of the path. 

In this understanding I noticed something else. There was a difference this time. An evolution. That if I were to be true to my calling I needed to begin to study my relation to these Elementals and to myself, first.
Only then will I have an understanding to my relation to the world and people around me. 
As I look to honour my Nana, I delve deeper into the history of where my soul comes from. My connection to the Elemental Magic grows in technicolor.

I am grateful for all that has happened, what it has stripped away, mined from the depths. I am blessed to find a home within the Craft once again. This time with more mature, respectful eyes and heart. 
It’s hard to not want to share every bit of the colour, shape and sound of what I am and what I am learning with those who are similar in heart and sight. But this too is not the way it is to be at this time. There are moments, but no shared Sabbats, bread broken to share, wine/mead raised in celebration of the larger clan. I hope the time of celebration in this time will come again. But I am not alone, as the Ancients are always with me.
Until then, I study, I listen, my heart and eyes open, my hands ready to help. This journey is not easy, but it is so worth it 🔮

Blessed Be My Brothers and Sisters-