What I Can Bring to the Future

These last few years has been a deep dive on who I am, sorting through some muck and deciding what my purpose is to be.

This is a difficult task at the best of times, and it comes at different times in life- it definitely is not something you do once or do flippantly. The deep dive coincided with the onset of Covid. But the dismantling started a couple of years before that.

Part of the trauma/survival response I have is being a people pleaser, a care taker. This is not a bad thing to be, if it is done with appropriate boundaries and not to the point of becoming nothing but a reflecting pool. I learned so much during my dismantling about the toxic nature of my own survival strategies, some I was not even aware of. By the point of realization I was already in my 40s.

Am I healed? No, that continues, and I am sure that it will be a life long commitment on a labyrinth path. I have gotten to the place however, where I really want to refine my purpose and what I can being to my family, friends, community and world at large.

My primary day to day career is massage therapy, a therapist as well as a teacher. I have a couple of things I do occasionally on the side, like custom aromatherapy products and tarot readings too. There is much more to who I am but these are the things I had already been doing out in the world.

Separating my trauma response from my purpose has been tricky, there has been a lot of exploring the ‘why’ I want to do something. Do I really want to be of service or is that a trauma response? Am I wanting to help people or just make myself useful so I don’t get lost.

It has taken a lot of adjustments, lost relationships, changes in friendships and so much reflection.

At first, wellness coaching seemed to be the path that appealed to me most, as it makes great use of my current skill set. So I began to research, it took me to some very scary places. Initially many of the seminars and classes would focus on how to help people and build your message, and soon enough it morphed into how to make a lot of money- why work with one when you can do it in groups? Have a system to sell! Find products to add in. It all very quickly became less about helping any one but the self. It all led to being an ‘influencer’. That is no where near what I want.

The term influencer leaves a horrible taste in my mouth. The engagement most times seems like a sales pitch unto itself, pushing products and easy ‘false positive’ answers. I don’t want to influence you to live like me. I want you to live like the most grounded version of you. Ok with knowing it is not all good, some things are going to suck, but that you have built the resilience to work through those down turns while honouring yourself. To realize that achievements aren’t always in the numbers, wether that is followers, on the scale or in your bank account. To get the idea of how much community is important, not so we can all be the same but learn and grow from the differences we bring to the table. The only thing I want to influence is bringing more creative good into the world.

I also noticed that when it came to the portions of these seminars about finding your target audience that the target all seemed to be generally the same, same colour, age and generally in the upper middle class with the money to afford these expensive programs, the next phase is how to turn those targets into people who do what you do, with the promise of feeling fulfilled while making good cash.

What about those that want the encouragement with out having to break the bank? What about those that want the sense of community where things can be shared, learned and experienced? This is where I want to be.

Not an influencer, not a ‘wellness’ coach, I’m thinking more in line with a wholeness coach. That term seems to resonate more in my soul. So what does it mean?

To me it means taking into account the whole you. You aren’t just fitness, finance or a ‘lifestyle’. You are a person with dreams, interests, a history, trying to find your way to some kind of quality and balance in this life. You want to feel better, more able to handle the demands that life places on you- this isn’t just a matter of taking the right supplement, crushing the right workout or covering with the right cosmetic. This is having the support to create your path, finding the things that will give you the inspiration, stamina and creativity to build your life to suit you. This is about building a community that is there is sit with you on a bad day and clap so loud for you on a good day. About having a coach you hears you, who helps you hear yourself and the wisdom you already have. Having someone who knows there are no easy answers but there will always be away to achieve your best.

I want to work one on one, I want your path to reflect the unique being you are. I want to offer group get togethers for education, sharing of community resources and support, not to have a cookie cutter program thrust upon groups of people.

I have been told I will not get rich doing this. I know I need to have money to live off of, but rich is not my goal. My purpose is to support people on their journey. I want to share my imperfect truth, and accept yours, as we all strive for better. My desire is to build an accessible community that is not one just based on commerce.

Is there an audience? I believe so. Can I find you? Will you find me? Are you ready for an adventure?

Reflections in the Morning

This body

It is mine, it does not always receive the love it needs

The reflection I see in the glass today is different

I pushed my self to work out,

with the promise of a little sauna respite at the end

So I sit, in the heat, sweat running in rivulets

There is an opaque reflection of self

A halo of soft silver is being to encase my head

A look at the body reflected in the glass

I see something familiar, but not myself

It is ancient, often found in old pagan sites

Breasts that rest as pendulums pointing to

Rounded belly and thighs

An ancient statue of the Goddess

Full of magic and wisdom

The sweat running became mixed with

Tears of gratitude, tears of forgiveness

This Body

I have been so cruel to this shell,

Denying food, punishing exercise

Comparison, disgust for not reaching standard that are not mine

Seeing acceptance as failure

Demand it to become something it is not

Believing respect will only come when…..

In this moment the Goddess looked back at me

Reminding me that care, love and compassion are important

That food is care, nourishing is important

Gratitude for the abundance I have access to

Exercise is strength, mobility

Not punishment, not to force a vision that does not suit

The view she shows me is to love the embodiment of who I am

The softness, the gentleness and the strength that is there.

Through the glass she showed me love, she reminded me to show myself

Exercise to move, eat to nourish and connect

I need to remember that view I was shown so early in morning

The clarity, the kindness, the motivation to honour the temple

That houses my love, my wisdom, my beauty, my soul

Vision of Rage, Blind Faith

People talk as though they long for the good old days- What exactly were those? Women and People of Colour being considered property? But hey a loaf of bread was maybe a nickel! Dying from the black plague? Polio? But hey, the government didn’t mandate what went into your body. Back when you could trust politicians? Yup….. Just as much as you could trust ‘The Church’.

Times were better when we all had god in our lives… was it? Being ruled by guilt and shame is what has created the now. Exorcisms rather than mental health help. Repressing sexual feelings, condemning sexual identity. For what? To please a complete fallacy. Jesus was not white, if we are made in the image of god, then god embodies both genders and by default is two-spirit. Lucifer was only in the wrong because they (remember in the bible angels have no gender) dared question the wiseness of a god that gave his puppets free will.

You are longing for a time you don’t really want.

You would give up in-home plumbing and sanitation? Central heating? Being able to get fresh mango in the middle of the winter? Looking up a map complete with directions, no creative folding required? Your car? Being able to fly to a foreign country in a matter of hours rather than months?

Fucking hypocrites.

All people are longing for is to have their conveniences, self entitlement and inflated self importance to go unabated and unchallenged. Too afraid to really see what’s going on, because, please say it isn’t so, we might have to take some accountability.

Don’t get me wrong, I thing faith is really important to have, the belief there there is something bigger that binds us to all living creatures. But using your ‘faith’ to deny that we have fucked up our chances of a long survival on this spinning marble (fuck you flat earthers, I can’t even go to how stupid that is). Using that faith to condone/facilitate another’s death or denial of existence is grotesque. To use it to selectively deny science that ‘infringes’ on your wants, takes us into another dark age of considering scientists heretics that should be burned at the stake.

I am in a relatively safe place right now, but we are surrounded by Provences and States that are literally burning to the ground. The temperature is consistently high for long stretches of time, drying out the forests, evaporating the bodies of water that sustain us. And what the fuck do I wake up to? Idiots claiming that these fires are set by arsonists. People washing their cars, when we have been asked to conserve this resource as best as we can. Here I am doing my best to keep my veg garden going with using as little water as I can, making sure I am not using toxic chemical that seep into the ground water. Silly me- its a conspiracy, evil coral reefs selling out to corporate America. Damn faulty thermometers pretending the Ocean temperatures are getting warmer. That might hit differently when you won’t be able to get your favourite sushi because the fish dies out.

Looking to history, there was a little thing called the fall of the Roman Empire, we are in the midst of a modern redux. Politics has again become full of bloated out of touch rich twats- modern emperors and pretend titans sucking the ‘lesser thans’ dry. The schism between the rich and the poor is a divide that no matter how large your boot straps are you can’t pull your way out of.

We are so soft with modern convinces that the thought of having to go ‘with out’, even if it’s for the good of all, turns us into selfish monsters. The clutching of the pearls and a collective ‘how dare you!’

I don’t own slaves…. Nope but you benefit from a system put in place by the European conquers.

I have nothing against the LGBTQA community but why do I have to see it everywhere?…..because they exist, and for the last couple of hundred years or so they have been ignored and dehumanized and forced to watch the prevalence of heteronormative culture. Many Pagan, non Christian cultures appreciated, recognized and even revered many of the genders through out the ages. It’s not new, it’s not abnormal, it just is.

Everyone seems to have neurodivergence ‘things’, it’s just ways of people making excuses, this wasn’t a thing when I was a kid…. Sorry again ‘Chad and Karen’ that kid you knew growing up that was shunned, beat up and mercilessly picked, had drug and/or behaviour problems simply had a brain were are now beginning to understand and create workable places for.

I’m sick of hearing about peoples feelings, everyone has anxiety and its a little sad sometimes….. and here we are again, finally recognizing things that we can work on, things that are very real and debilitating, perhaps with hope that we reduce addiction and abuse situations.

Life is uncomfortable. Life is challenging. Life is unstable and fragile. I get that all of this anger, hate and abject violence is simply a reflection of fear. The Fear that we need to, have to change and we have no idea what that looks like. It is challenging all the things we have been told, reflection on the things we have done and showing us what we need to do. But fuck, I don’t want to have to, I just want to do what I want, I have been told that it is my right, damnit!

These things are other peoples problems, it is the ‘others’ that caused these things. This is what happens when you take god out of the situation. No, this is what happens when you’ve been gone from the village too long. This is what happens when you forget that at the core we all need water, air, food, love and to belong somewhere. That each human with the skin stripped away look essentially the same. That in order to live we need the water to be clean, the air to be breathable, the diverse animal and plant life to be sustained.

Our survival depends on how we treat our most vulnerable. Our survival depends on the realization that monetizing everything is killing us. Our survival depends on recognizing the failings in our history and committing to do better. Our survival depends on recognizing our line of enough and be willing to share. Our survival depends on understanding that we can have faith, and that science does not need to be the opposite of that. We need to understand that we need to clean up our mess. What ever God(s) you believe in, something created this delicate ecosystem that sustains our little lives in this vast universe. We should be humbly caring for this, for us, for all of us.

If your god tells you different, if your god tells you a fetus is worth more that the woman carrying it, if your god tells you that only a few are worthy of his love, if your god tells you that you hold dominion over all, if your god chooses wealth over humanity, than you are the problem

If your politician tells you they were chosen by your god be wary of bearing false idol worship, If your politician has an us vs them mentality they are a false leader, if your politician is not receptive to you, helpful to you and only fans the hate in your heart, they are the embodiment of evil.

I am not perfect. I don’t do this right all of the time. I am constantly learning. I am as frightened as everyone else. I am angry too. But I am not letting that guide me to any thing other than making change for a world that I want my child to flourish in, that I want to feel peace in, that I want to experience the magic it holds. I am sad, frustrated, but I am also amazed at the good that is out there. We are surrounded by fires and some people here are opening their homes, offering what they can. Some are changing their beards and gardens to more eco friendly, food producing spaces. There are some embracing cultures, genders, neurodiverse understandings wit grace and willingness to learn, to make different where they can.

You don’t have to understand it, you don’t have to be it- you just have to have the faith in the thing that binds us all.

She

I flirt with her

We get so close, I feel her heart beat. So different than my own, it’s sure, steady, strong. She is a warrior. Her stillness is intoxicating, it fills me with want.

I tell myself a story, imagining what it would be like to have that from the inside. To inhabit such a creature, who is all at once wild chaos, yet very much in controlled command.

I flirt with her

I bring her close, we play reveal and I run. Looking at her through the glass, she is brandishing her sword. Ready for battle, ready for play. Her marks show up on my skin to remind me.

Dark swirls, symbols of memory, power and the stamp of ownership. Her voice is power, echoing in my head- my own unsteady as it passes through my lips. Unsure, I bow to that which is around me.

I flirt with her

I want to be consumed. Reborn through her body and soul. Confident, soft flesh, yielding and revealing. Open yet showing nothing to the undeserving. How can we be so different? Yet one

We flirt, each time we get closer to melding, for a moment I see through her eyes, her voice begins to sing through my lips. Fear clenches my teeth, unsure, I bow to that which is around me.

She is moving closer to the surface, her magic is written on me, no longer will she be contained. The most powerful monster to defeat is my own fear. The fear of truly feeling her within me.

Becoming one and losing myself. Unleashing that which has always been, buried under false expectations, wounds and masks of identity. Fear of not knowing her, yet so completely sure that she is what I want.

I flirt with her intensely, she begins to look back at me through the glass. Compassionate wild eyes. A spine of steel. Waiting to embrace me with the strength that has held me through so much. I allow her power to sit low inside me, hot humming passion and rage.

I close my eyes. To feel her. To feel me. The purpose in her breathe moving into mine. The strength of her heart echoing through each beat of my own

We flirt. We dance. We embrace so wholly her ancient power melts into my own passion. Awakening Accepting that this internal affair may burn up life around me The ash affording the new growth

Ink- What My Tattoos Reveal

Tattoos are not the counter culture art they once were. Almost everyone I know has some kind of ink. I have contemplated tattoos since my early 20s, but could never settle on what I wanted. I had enough foresight for myself to know if I got something ‘trendy’ I would regret it with in a few years.

As I approached the age of 44 I had decided I was ready to commit some permanent art to my body. I was marking the fact that I had reached the age was that mother had when she died. There was a lot of turmoil in my head and life at that point. I had not yet really recognized how significant that year was going to be for me. All I knew at the time was that I wanted to mark it in some way. I was unsure how to go about really seeking out an artist.

It just so happened that my long ago ex’s brother had become a tattoo artist. My birth son had already had some ink done by his birth uncle and it was quite well done. I had decided on a bracelet around my left wrist made up of the first initial of my Nan, Mom, Son and Daughter, met by an infinity sign, with a little ‘charm’ of a Triquetra. This was my bloodline eternal and honouring the Celt history of my family.

I was comfortable with him, we were old friends. I was drawn immediately to how it changed a part of me in such a short time.

At the time he had said to me that he believed that there were 3 types of people, ones who would never get tattoos, ones who would get one and be done and others- this is where I cut in and said ‘who are planning their next before the first is even finished.’ And so began my ink adventure.

It is now 6 years later and yesterday I got my 14th tattoo.

I have spent a long time figuring out the draw for me- it isn’t just one thing, there seems to be many. It is deeply tied up in my mental health, even this does not represent just a single reasoning.

I have intrusive thoughts. I have a history of self harm, for those of you that do not know what the reasoning behind self harm can be, it is a complex and individual thing, but I will try to explain what it is for me as simply as I can.

When my brain becomes so full with spinning plates of danger, I get very stuck there. So many feelings that I become unable to feel anything. The desire for physical pain comes from just wanting to know that I can feel something. Like creating a symbol crash to interrupt white noise. Sometimes it releases steam, a representation of mental pain that can not be expressed in any other way.

I have faded scars on my body from my teenage/early twenties. As I got older, it would be more from pinching, hitting or finding other ways to bruise myself, rarely drawing blood. It is not as often as I age, but the urges still come, the frustration still builds. After I had my daughter I knew I needed a better way to deal, or at least a more acceptable one.

So I went hard core exercise and food control. While there were benefits to those behaviours I believe I was doing some damage to my body’s soft tissues and joints and I was becoming obsessive. Knowing this was not a healthy path I eased up on the harsh discipline. I did not want my daughter to think this disordered relationship with food and exercise was normal.

I was grappling with what it meant to out live my mother. I was so overwhelmed I wanted to push myself to feel alive. Then came the first tattoo.

When the first contact of the needle pierced my skin it was such a lovely sensation. Sharp, stinging, rhythmical, a delight. I could feel the angst I had been having start to dissipate. The spinning in my brain slowing, the tension leaving my body. This was interesting to me.

I recognize that it is also taking ownership in a loving way over my body. I have hid in my body, allowed others to use my body, hated my body, put my body through pain, given my body to my children, found pleasure in my body, but I have never adorned it with something meaningful. The marking of my skin has meaning. I have begun to write my story on my body.

The next two tattoos came not long after. Placed on the inside of my forearms, left and right. One an Ouroboros encasing a Pentacle sits on my right. This is to remind myself that if I live with curiosity and wonder I will be constantly reborn into my spiritual journey. The one on my left is a Sigil created to remind me that my demons will never take me down. A Sigil is a character or symbol created as a representation of an intent. My demons being my mental disfunction.

Two more came fairly quickly, they adorn my right forearm just below the Pentacle. A Triskelion, it is three spirals that form a triangle. The Celtic meaning is for movement, it also represents The Morrighan. She is the Goddess of the battlefield and transitions, this is what the last decade has felt like, constant transitioning, she has been a guide for me. Just below that is a piece of art known as The Ensō, it looks like an incomplete circular brush stroke. This is perfection in being unfinished.

At the same time I had another one done. On the outside of that same forearm is a series of small symbols called moon glyphs, there are so many but the ones I have chosen are the four elements (air, water, fire and earth) as well as life and balance.

The next came on a trip to New Orleans with my husband. I have been to NOLA a number of times, it is the place where I feel most at home and centred. The tattoo is a small Fleur de Lis on my left forearm just below the Sigil. I always have the place I feel most comfortable with me. There was a little gap in getting another tattoo.

My mental health had hit rough patch, I belong to a loose group of people know as AKF, it is Always Keep Fighting. Fighting the monsters, intrusive thoughts, suicide ideation etc.. we are an online support group. I had decided to incorporate the AKF into an arrow, it is on the outside of my left forearm. No matter how far back I feel I am being pulled I will always keep fighting to move forward.

I see myself as a warrior, compassionate, kind but tough. It shows up in my writing, the fictional characters I create are always in battle with something. The next tattoo is a Celt/Norse sword that is down the outside of my left thigh. A weapon of strength always at the ready.

My daughter is my heart. She is beautiful, funny, insightful and kind. Unfortunately her nervous system has some of my wiring and can be prone to anxiety and intrusive thoughts. But unlike me at that age, she has support and we started helping her build her tool belt and armour. I love her so much. She teaches me so much about myself, love and what loving parenting can be. She had picked a purple Starlette Lily that she felt would make a good tattoo for me. I am not a big one for colour in my tattoos, there are some glorious pieces of coloured art out there, but nothing I have felt drawn too. However, this, being chosen by her is an exception (and I am not ruling out some colour in the future). My upper left arm is home to a lovely lily.

Writing is my core. Creating is my soul. Art, food, words…… cultivating gardens, friendships and magic. But it always comes back to the writing, the thing that has saved my life over and over again. Creating tough warrior characters, battling monsters. Poetry to express the pain, passion, frustration, love, curiosity and appreciation for life that sits deeply in me. This led to my next tattoo that takes up a good portion of real estate on my left upper thigh. A stack of books, the top is open, on one page it says, ‘I create, therefore I live’, the other pages says, ‘I must write to empty my head or I go mad’. A long side the stack of books is a quill and ink pot. My deepest thoughts are always saved for pen to paper. Most of my writing is there, to later be transferred to computer. I need the physical connection to my words.

On the second visit to finish up the books and ink pot I had decided it was time to add a few more symbols to awaken my inner magic. On the back of my neck, I have placed two Norse Ruins- one for wisdom and the other for spiritual knowledge. I also had decided that on the empty portion of my right forearm a representation of growth and magic needed to be added. There is a lotus flower with a series of lines drawing its magic to a crescent moon. Thin simple lines but a powerful image I get comments on all the time.

This brings me to the latest addition. I love the sacredness of symbols. I adore anything that draws my creativity out. I do also like to have a bit of symmetry in my body art (eventually balanced amount of art left and right, top and bottom). Geometry is math in its physical form, shapes hold magic ability. They can help to tell the future, explain the past and give us direction. There can be seriousness contained within, and whimsy of chance given how any shape may land. I had decided on another sword of sorts, on the right leg, in the same space as the other sword is on the left. But this time, the blade is not solid, it is comprised of the based sacred geometric shapes. A polyhedron, dodecahedron, pentagonal trapezohedron, octahedron, cube, and finally a tetrahedron. These also just so happen to be a set of D&D dice, fashioned into a blade. A nod to the game that has brought me back to the bravado of putting writing out for consumption. It is also the power of taking things back to their basic shapes and rendering them for different uses.

While I know this is expression, what I did not anticipate was the other effects. There is pain with tattoos, not unbearable, but sharp, and depending on the size and where it is placed the pain sensation can vary. This fits into the release of self harm, flooding the brain with the chemical pain produces. Providing a reset, a calm from the chaos. But this is socially acceptable as it results in art, expression. A strange irony. But I find when I get the ‘itch’ to get one, if I take a step back and view what is going on in my life it twins up with intense times of stress, delicate mental health balances, moments of being overwhelmingly numb. It brings me back around. No scars, no damage, only art.

It also allows me to put an external mark on my body. This is mine, not yours to touch, comment on, demand things from or tell me what to do with. I will decorate it the way I want, wether or not you approve or understand is irrelevant. This is mine.

I don’t believe this is the end of my ink journey by a long shot. I have more pieces of me to express. Memories, accomplishments, wishes, statements and symbols all waiting to be revealed. I am not sure entirely what any of them are yet, but they will come.

The Tapestry I Wear

Tattoo 11,12 and 13 have all been done over the last 3 weeks. In honour of my 50th revolution around the sun. 11- to remind me of my creative spirit. 12-to remind me that soul rebirth is always possible. 13- are two binding runes, one for wisdom and one for spiritual growth.

This need for permanent adornment of my body started in my 40s, like an ownership stamp. I was determined to strip away all the facades heaped upon me. I wanted to have my story on my body.

There are magical Sigils to help tame my mental monsters and remind me they will never win.

Other symbols to remind me of where I’ve come from, where I am and where I’m going.

I have lived in this body for 50 years. It’s only been the last 10 that I have really focused on physical and mental healthcare, but it has happened in waves.

It’s really only been in the last three I have started to appreciate this body. It has been broken and healed from trauma and violence. It’s has been large, it has been medium and no matter how much I have tried to shrink inside I have never been small. I have birthed two beautiful babies at two very different times in my life and this body feels that love every day. This body has given and received pleasure. This body lives now with varying degrees of chronic pain.

I have given this body over too many times, too freely, in trying to find an acceptance and love I could not freely give to myself. So now every symbol, every picture, every spot of ink that is beginning to cover parts of me is a reminder that this body, this temple that houses my spirit is and always has been mine.

This body as lived through Maiden, it is slowly leaving Mother and intending to gracefully and boldly enter Crone.

I do not know when I will feel this skin tapestry has sufficiently recorded enough.

But it is a story worth telling. It is a body worth loving ❤️

What is Real in the Mirror

I had someone tell me once that they thought what people posted on social media showed who they really are.

I completely disagree with this. We may show pieces of beliefs, portraying the perfection we desire, airing a wound or betrayal to gather momentary sympathies from faceless people who for the most part don’t really have any vested interest in the outcome. Even in real life I don’t think any of us at any time show anyone who we really are.

Most of us wear multiple masks in any given setting depending on the role we are in and the people we are with.

The closest we get is to when we can drop a few of these masks, is with a person or in a place where we feel safe. There is still trepidation as we have been taught that the masks created are to hide the ugliness and unacceptable things about ourselves. But in all honesty there is no perfection or ugly behind it, we are a kaleidoscope.

Depending on the moment and who you’re with you may drop a particular mask, but the tumblers of your being will roll and fall into place in a particular way. That is the fractal light they see.

This takes a particular vulnerability, that is hard for some, as a mask is easier to navigate.

Masks are solid, smooth, thought out creations. They can be heavy, and locked in place. Perhaps once created for protection and conforming to expectations, now a preformed prison, some resistant to internal change. It is the expected acceptable face.

The colour and pictures seen in the eye of the kaleidoscope will always be subtly different, cracks will show in different places, pieces will fit differently. The colours don’t always match. While we may spin the wheel ( an illusion of control) we don’t choose where the pieces fall.

Trust, that is the hardest part. To trust that the colourful, cracked pieces of you will be accepted as a beautiful moving puzzle. That you will not be harshly judged for what is behind your mask. In order for that to happen you must look at how you judge that on others, and how much you judge that about yourself.

Not everyone is worthy of seeing the beautiful art behind the masks we wear. But allow yourself to treasure your own and know that each person you encounter is not just the mask they are showing in that moment, but a collection of things that are ever changing underneath.

Catch Up, Before We Begin, Again

It has been so long since I have written here, so much has happened. There are parts of me that feel I am in the same place. Yet I am not. In less than two weeks I will be fifty…50?!

I am told this is a big birthday, I feel this is a big birthday- but I am not entirely sure what this means. Do I start playing bingo? Is this the time to be acquiring sweatshirts with cute cats on them? Do I become louder? More staunch in my opinions? Do I loose my sexuality? Do I get taken less seriously because of my age, too old to matter? Do I begin to wear obnoxiously bright clothing and large chunky jewelry? Do I start fighting the aging process with all the science at my disposal? Do I give in and let gravity melt me into a doughy Shar Pei version of myself?

Was I supposed to prepare more for this landmark moment in my life? I have made some changes in the last couple of years, not consciously because the five-oh was on the horizon, but because it felt natural and right.

I took a deep dive examination of self. Fifteen months of weekly therapy to try to figure out all the WTF in my life. Is everything all better, no more anxiety, no more chains of CPTSD? Do I know all now? No, if anything I have created a few more of those WTF questions, but what I have learned, has changed how I deal with them. I have a deeper understanding of myself. Better control, if you will, of the negative self protective mechanisms that I have built up since childhood. There has been some loss because of this, that will be touched on in other missives, the loss of a ‘best’ friend, other long time friends as well. New boundaries and the exploration (all be it nervously) of my own voice in real life, not just on the page.

I am more dedicated to healthier measures. A switch in physical goals, the primary no longer being weight loss, but maintaining/improving movement and strength. For the most part, eating healthier, but not restrictive or denying of foods. I need more work in this area, damn tasty chocolate and soft doughy carbs! There has been a massive shift in alcohol consumption, given my family history, I am surprised that my drinking never caused huge problems, but it was heavy and binged often. Now, once in a while a glass or two of wine, the occasional gin. Not the same as when I would look so forward to Friday and opening a bottle or two, thinking of an excuse to have wine during the week, ordering the next glass before I was finished the first, eagerly awaiting the dull fuzzy warmth that will follow with glass 2, 3 and 4….

Therapy taught me to sit with the feelings, good or bad. To seek out the origin, to be compassionate with myself and to not allow it to carry me away. This takes time, it is hard and doesn’t always feel successful. However, the after effects are far less troublesome than the headache and sour stomach of too much wine and blank spots where I am not sure what was said or done.

I posed naked last year for an art project- that too will be its own missive, I suppose it was my way of making peace with this body that has been through so much. To allow myself some grace that it is not perfect, it is lumpy, soft and dimpled. But it has produced 2 beautiful children and carried me on all the good adventures I have. It has brought me as much pleasure as it has pain. I have settled into (and truthfully looking forward to) the greying of my hair. I stopped colouring about 3 months ago. On the flip side I have added much more colour to my body, it has become a canvas for tattoos of symbols, spells and markers of who I was, am and aspire to be.

One of my tattoos has two quotes, “I must write to empty my head or I go mad” (Byron) and “I create therefore I live” (a variation of a Misha Collins/GISH statement). Ready or not this is my story. Fifty feels like it is the doorway, leaving something behind and stepping into something new. Shall we…….

Rage ( Pt2, the Kicker)

The kicker

I’ve worked so hard from where this knocked me to the last time I was finding ‘self’.

I built hope

Hope that there was misinformation and miscommunication that could be healed

But I was so far down, buried in shame

Things I held true disintegrated like my hard fought ability to trust

But I resolved to build, trusting the vision I had would come, it feels like it is meant to be. The feelings of love in my heart would build a better foundation

Every baby step I make, a look or breath of a word can knock me down.

I resolve to lead by an example.

I resolve to lead without shame

I resolve to stay open to love and trust

I resolve to stop letting myself down and treasure the very humanness I am told is what shines ( not shame as the whispers say)

Rage -venting the feelings (pt 1)

Rage

Don’t pay me lip service

If you ask me what I need

That is not enough – not without action

If I ask you to come to my playground because I’m always at yours

Don’t decline because it ‘doesn’t suit you’

Raging about my gender will upset me

Raging with out room for learning and compassion will shut me down

Making it know that parts of me, things I care for and hold dear are ‘not your cup of tea’ so

you ignore them completely, shows me you do not accept me for who I am

Your rage breaks me apart. My shame can bury me. This time my rage will help me rise