Standing Still at the Speed of Light
Writing, true life, random facts and fiction
I stirred to you whispering my true name.
The resonance of your voice working its way through my body like warm honey
The name no one knows
The sacred
Melting my will
Do not let me leave this dream
I welcome you wholly
In this liminal space I feel
You
Inside
The taste of you
Driving my hunger
Burning from within
Hold me down here
I beg
The dawn is breaking
You fade like mist
Leaving me with a want
That may never be satisfied
Yesterday I left my story unfinished about crossing the threshold to my 50s. I was feeling conflicted. I had not asked for fireworks or a big band. But I think part of me wanted that.
I had not yet passed noon of the day and conveyed that my feeling about the whole thing was deflated. I should have labeled that part one….
As the day progressed it was filled with sweet messages and unexpected gifts.
After putting the pity party to paper ( or screen if you will) the day began in earnest. A friend knowing I was chilling at home, whisked me away for a decadent cupcake ( for those of you near where I live Crave bakery are the cupcakes you need). A lovely bit of time spent in the cool sun with tea, conversation and cake!!
The best part of it, the part of my brain that was feigning dramatic disappointment in the first part of the day got to eat a little crow later.
My husband let slip there is a date awaiting Saturday night….. but no further details. I would love a clue about how I should dress and how far I need to dig into my closet.
Then we then went to dinner as our little family of three. I did choose the restaurant, a simple one, where we can count on the food being tasty and the three of us ate heartily. It was the laughter of my family filled me most. It seemed like a while since that had happened, but there was much wit and giggles. Back home to more magical treats of another deck of Tarot based on a family favourite movie ( Nightmare Before Christmas for the win), a beautiful dish for treasures duly guarded by a dragon and a cake, while not from my childhood favourite bakery, a wonderfully rich chocolate confection. After the wish candles were all blown out we dug in and filled the sweet tooth craving.
I went to bed loved and content. Relishing the moment where my brain was quiet, the monsters had nothing to chew on. This was the best way to enter 50.
I have anxiety and CPTSD.
I have spent the last 4 years digging deep trying to understand my mental health. To understand what has happened to me, what I can heal and what I need to learn to work with in a healthy way.
3 weeks ago we had a random event happen in our home that triggered a major anxiety CPTSD episode.
In the 3 weeks since I practiced all the things I have learned. Sleep, reduced sugar, no/reduced alcohol and caffeine, exercise, nature, massage and meditation. It has been slow going, some things more successful than others.
On the surface I believed I was systematically undoing the high alert that was tripped. My body had other ideas.
I have been with my massage therapist for about 5 years now. He is aware of the trauma I have experienced in life. He is mindful of the peaks and valleys of my mental health. I am grateful that he has compassion and understanding/intuition when to push and when not to.
Even when I am cavalier about wanting deeper work, he knows when to follow his intuition rather than my verbal cues. It has become an integral component to my health.
The last couple of massages it was noted my neck was resisting the attempts to soften it up. This week was by far being the worst my neck has been in a long time.
I did my home care right after the session ( a habit I’m working on building), gentle stretch, warm shower, lots of water. About an hour or so later I felt it ‘let go’. This can be very common after a treatment and one you want to make sure your clients are aware of.
It is a warm feeling like no other. It’s like the muscles get the message through to the nervous system that it doesn’t need to be so hyper vigilant. My shoulders dropped with a big sigh. There was a moment of peace, of deep relief. One I feel in various ways after almost every massage.
One of the other things the body can do when releasing a hyper vigilant state is become violently ill. The exhaustion from masking, fighting, and just trying to pull off day to day lands like brick. The chemicals that my body produces to keep me in that state are making hard for the happy calm chemicals to take hold.
This does not happen as often as it used to, like when I first started getting regular massage. But this time was different
It took about an hour and a half for the blinding migraine to take over, another 15 minutes before my body purged everything and dropped me into a dead sleep.
I felt a little better when I woke up. Ate lightly, medicated heavily ( THC candy and advil) and wrapped my head in ice as the pain once again crested.
Times being what they are ( and a friend I had been with recently testing positive) I took a Covid test the next day. It came back negative. But that is not to say in my crashed state I don’t have it. I’m vaxxed and boosted so maybe not enough to show up on the test, I am now on day 3 of the migraine but I’m quarantining like it’s Covid. Also because I don’t have the energy for interaction.
The pain has just become a lightening bolt between my eyes. I feel like I’ve been driven over, ridden down the rapids and hung to dry. This is much better than Wednesday afternoon. I had been deeper into that vigilant state than I realized.
Sleep has been my friend. Today I could tolerate light for more than a few minutes. So that’s a win.
I’m doing my best not to feel guilty for just lying in the dark for the last few days. There was tears, weird dreams and exhausted pain. My body needed to purge poison from long ago, poison that was kickstarted a few weeks ago. I could not push my body or mind to do more than basics, there was no way I could/should work.
I am horrified, intrigued and grateful all at the same time. I’ve been able to journal some today. I can feel something uncoiling still.
Often with trauma we loose connection with our bodies, but they store everything. A skilled therapist helps ground you and reconnect to the present. Also helping to release pain that is tied to mental monsters.
I am grateful for what the massage kick started. Even though I feel like shit. I feel connected to myself. I know that this is part of the healing and I must honour the process.
But most of all, I’m going to honour myself by sleeping a little more and treating myself gently over the next few days so I can get back to my life. A little freer, wiser and a little lighter.
Today would have been your 81st birthday. 37 years since you were on this side of the veil. In years past I often would feel a sadness or longing on this day.
But this year feels different. There has been much mental health and trauma work done this year. Uncovering some wounds that had scarred over, the scars had created a choking trap, I’ve finally found the courage to start undoing, breaking patterns, healing.
This year feels different. Longing and sadness are marred by hurt and frustration. I still miss you, I will always love you and I’m trying to find some compassion and grace for the choices you made. The choices that had consequences for so many.
A moment of quiet, a breath, remembrance, questioning and love. Happy Birthday Mom.
I want to acknowledge those of us who work so hard to be good moms, to be present moms, to be loving moms, to be firm moms.
I want to acknowledge all those women out there who don’t have a great relationship with their own mothers, the ones who are trying to learn to be better, the ones who need to heal from the damage inflicted upon them, the ones who struggle with the heartbreak and the disconnect of not having a mother present in their lives.
I want to acknowledge all the mamas out there who have hard relationships with their children, who love them, who’ve tried their best, who hold love and hope in their aching hearts.
I want to acknowledge all the mamas of all the rainbow children and of all the children resting in heavenly arms, the ache that you feel for a child you’ve always wanted to hold and perhaps could not.
I want to acknowledge the mamas who made hard decisions to allow someone else to raise their children because they knew it would be best for them and it was done with the utmost love, I see you too.
I want to acknowledge the women who have, whether by choice or by fate, found that motherhood isn’t for them, but who offer unconditional love and support to all the children and other mamas in their lives. I see you too.
I also want to shine a light on all the grandma‘s out there who’ve been present for their daughters and for their daughter’s children to carry on the strength of maternal love and bonding, you’re appreciated and loved to.
I want to acknowledge those of us who’s mothers are not present in our lives, those of us who have parented ourselves, we may feel a hole at this time. Healing is hard, and you too are loved.
In picking through all of this I have never felt so naked. Shame is so destructive. Shame eats at you, it disguises itself in behaviours, thoughts and actions.
So does this mean I have been fake my whole life, that the things I have built are untrue? No. I do want to be of service. I don’t want to see people hurting. I want to help get you to your best place. The people in my life that I love and care for is truth. The beating of my heart is truth. My desire and drive for better are truth. But this time it will not be built to cover anything up.
To get there I need to find what I can love about my self. I need to release the shame that I have been taught since childhood is mine to bare. I need to feel. I need to feel all of it. Not just view with a critical eye, not just be analytical in how I can explain. BUT TO FUCKING FEEL. To stop denying myself the depth of joy, love, contentment because I am sheltering myself from feeling all of the pain, fear and disgust that also resides here.
I have to first start with me. Looking from outside to see what those around me see. To quiet the voices that make up the story that all they see is a grotesque shell. That there are some who truly love me. Who value me. I can accept they they know my kindness and care. They see me as flawed, scarred and beautiful. That they are excited to see what emerges.
The child I was need not be shamed by the abuse she suffered. That I am worthy of more than what I can give. The first man in my life was my father, he told me repeatedly that I was unworthy because of how I looked. That I was no better than a whore and that is all any man would use me for. That I should have died before allowing the bloodline to carry on. What followed was cycles of abuse and use by others for so long….. No more.
I will find my voice. I will not give more to you than you are willing to share with me. I will not allow myself to be emptied and devalued. I will find pride in myself. I will not feel shame for feeling. I will not shrink silently in to the dark when I am wounded. I will not feel shame for asking for what I need. I will not feel guilt for saying no. I will not feel shame for expressing myself.
I will accept if this is no longer suitable for some (this has already happened but my shame spiral took over the punishment). I will not grovel or chase. I will learn to love this scarred, imperfect human. I will learn to honour myself as much as I have honoured others. I will learn to trust that when i am told I am loved or that support is offered that it is truth, that I don’t have to perform to receive.
There is no going back this time, no more building to cover up anything. I and finally going to build a foundation that will hold me up.
At least this is my hope, that this is what is to come. But first comes the scary part, really allowing myself to feel, and to find a safe place to be supported as the facade of me falls away…………
‘You deserve to be pain free.’
This statement has been sitting with me for a few days. A simple statement. One that felt like it had been in a foreign language I had never heard. I hadn’t realized until that moment that I hadn’t believed it to be true. A statement that pierced something deep- my reflex was to just talk/excuse over it. But here it sits, still rolling around my brain like a loose marble.
These last few years have been really hard on my body. I have been hard on my body.
My mental health monsters cause physical pain.
Past and current injuries sometimes sing in unison, sometimes compete for the lead.
There is not a day where I am not aware of something, burning, aching, stabbing, tightening….
It is not as though I don’t do anything for the pain I feel.
But the levels are now consistent and high enough that over the counter pain relievers don’t do a lot.
I still use them, along with multiple other things to help keep me functioning in my life. I use hot and cold, stretching, topical potions, cbd/thc and massage. Most giving me a few hours of decreased pain, massage being the one that brings better, longer relief, yet still temporary. The one thing I haven’t added in was any form of prescription pain relieving narcotic.
I have a complicated history with most pharmaceuticals. They often don’t do what they are meant to in my body. My genetic history is riddled with mental health and addiction markers. I am very reluctant to use strong pain relievers, especially in the opiate family.
‘You deserve to be pain free’
So why did this statement hit me so hard?
It was nothing I had considered before. My reasoning makes sense in many ways. Worry about side effects, cost and the biggest worry falling into addiction. It has me contemplating my hard stance.
That statement reminded me it doesn’t have to be all or nothing. That with care, consideration and proper support, it is an avenue that may be of service to me.
That gentle statement has led me to contemplating more…..
Do I punish myself? Am I resigned to carry this physical discomfort with restricted relief.? Why is this ok? How do I allow this with myself? Do I feel supported? Where do these barriers come from……
Deeper into the shadows I go for more answers.
Hello readers,
Until now this blog has been a stream of consciousness for me, often revolving around my battles with anxiety, some poetry and a few political rants. I’m going to add a couple of other streams of writing. I’m searching for my bravado to start adding some of my fiction to this site, and that will come. But the newest addition is going to come in a journal type format.
It will be identified under the heading of Awkward Tales from the Shadows. This is my journey of healing, determination, acceptance and accountability.
I am aiming to have a narrative about what I’ve actually been doing to work through my dark night ( well a three year night, but who’s counting) of the soul. The Shadow work I’ve undertaken, the revelations that have come from therapy, the revelations that have come from diving into my Pagan spiritual work and the physical work I am undertaking and how all of these things intersect in the relationships I have with others and myself.
I do not have a degree in psychology, I am not a doctor, what works for me, may not be suitable for you, dear reader. I am not writing this as a how to guide, each of our journeys and needs are unique, there is no shame in medications, therapy or any other help or healthy tools you need to grow in your life.
The truths are mine, the perceptions are mine. The losses and victories are mine.
Some people won’t like this, and that’s ok. This isn’t for them. I’m not writing this to punish or blame anyone- we all affect each other. I will not name people outright. But if they’ve had a part in my journey, for good, bad, ugly or a combination of all, then they will appear here. There are wonderful moments and people that have also had an enormous effect in shaping who I am. These are just as important to acknowledge as the trauma side of things. There are things that have happened to me that were not fair, kind or wanted. I do not have false gratitude for these events, but what I am working on is appreciating what I have been capable of doing to survive.
I’m on a mission. For myself, for my children and for anyone that may find a kindred spirit or inspiration in what I’m doing. This may not be easy, it may not be pretty, but I also know it will not all be heavy and dark.
“Share your knowledge. It’s a way to achieve immortality. One learns so much just from living a lifetime. Share that knowledge with the people you come across, it can only help them in their journeys. Even more important, share your failures so that others will not repeat them.” Jordan Lejuwaan
I no longer fit.
Every title
Every category
you’ve ever given me
no longer applies
by your terms.
In the same breath
to cross my lips
would be
thank you fuck you
It’s been exhausting to
Please
Defy
You –
much is met with indifference
Horror
Admiration
I shrank to meet your comfort
I bloomed for your
Entertainment
I died a thousand times
To be remade in desired image
Ignored
Bled dry
Imprisoned by Worship
Impaled by disdain
I no longer fit
I will grow
I will learn
Defined
by my own Terms
The sky lightens
Inky darkness passes
The sun not yet breaking the horizon
Grey mystic light, hovering
Magic folk still revelling in the dissipating shadows
Dancing in the dew, charting courses by the stars
They call to me
Have faith, you are moving closer to your heart
Your magic has not dimmed, only covered by the din of everyday
Come to dance, in the cool wet grass
Remember who you are
Who you were, before you gave it away
Call the pieces home, take back the self you shared to those who did not see
The weave of spells that you are
A chorus of birds to sing me home
Blessed be the Witches in the magic of the dawn.
Standing Still at the Speed of Light 