String Theory

It is a series of threads

Each anchored to me

Reaching out into the world

Never the same direction

At my feet lay the broken ones

Ends frayed, some bloody, some burnt

Others pulled taut to the point of pain

The looseness of a few, tripping me up

The movement of some pulling me along

The rigidity of some holding me in place

Some I can see- some move off into the ether where I can not see, just feel

It’s is a series of threads

Supporting

Letting go

Am I bound

Am I the make up of all theses things woven together

Am I the spool underneath this tangled mass

It is a series of threads

Containment Disaster

I search for stillness

There is fire burning with in

But the noise keeps the heat contained

It’s burning like a fever

To fuck

To create

To run screaming searching for an entry to the Ether

I search for stillness

The fire threatens an explosion but the noise and distractions don’t stop

Embers become white hot

Being dissolved from the inside

So much to get out

Words, feelings, colour

Need to touch, speak, release

This is not living when the spirit is contained ignited and starving for space and oxygen

Shame- a fucking poem

Fuck you for misunderstanding me with out forgiveness

Fuck you for not trusting your place in my life

Fuck you for thinking I was not worthy of growth

Fuck you for wanting me to stay at your beck and call

Fuck you for pretending I mattered as a person

Fuck you for expecting me to be your lapdog

Fuck you for your unacknowledged issues

Fuck you for being ok knocking me down

Fuck you for demanding I give things up that were making me happy

Fuck you for walking away

Fuck you for withdrawing your support

Fuck you for waking the unworthy feelings buried inside me

Fuck you for standing by while my mental health fell apart

Fuck you for deciding it was ok because I gave you your way

Fuck you for gaslighting me

Fuck you for not helping me get better

Fuck you for being passive as long as I behave

Fuck you for your lack of care for my pain

Fuck you for not being sorry

Fuck you for being angry

Fuck you for being jealous

Fuck you engaging me and walking without explanation

Fuck you for breaking my trust

Fuck you for silence

Fuck you for not listening

Fuck you for judging me

Fuck you for not caring

Fuck you for your possession

Fuck you for your temper

Fuck you for the guilt

Fuck you for the pain this has caused

Fuck you for the apology I will never get

Fuck you for your expectations

Fuck you for the sabotage

Fuck you for the fake support

Fuck you for every anxiety attack that grew from this poison

Fuck you for your lack of kindness

Fuck you for your lack of compassion

Fuck you for waking up parts that were asleep

Fuck you for the binding

Fuck you for being a liar

Fuck you for letting me take the blame for everything

Fuck you for being ok that I gave up

Fuck you for the space this take up in my head

Fuck you for giving the monsters more fuel

Fuck you for shaming me for who I was growing into

Fuck you for every tear I have cried

Fuck me for falling for it

Fuck me for taking the easy out

Fuck me for giving up

Fuck me for being silent

Fuck me for wearing shame like a cloak

Fuck me for trusting

Fuck me for not using my voice

Fuck me for giving up after trying my voice a little

Fuck me for only screaming in my head

Fuck me for fearing getting mad

Fuck me for being afraid of being abandoned

Fuck me for needing to be seen

Fuck me for being stuck in this place

Fuck me for believing in loyalty

Fuck me for not thinking I matter

Fuck me for not feeling strong enough to grow on my own

Fuck me for my lack of self love

Fuck me for my abundance of self loathing

Fuck me for expecting I mattered enough to apologize to

Fuck me for willingly taking all the responsibility

Fuck me for hoping that someone would notice

Fuck me for shrinking inside

Fuck me for rebuilding my prison

Fuck me for not being able to trust

Fuck me for not placing the good things above this

Fuck me for every tear I choked on because

Fuck me for patterned self sabotage

Fuck me for not screaming FUCK YOU

Bad Saturday Poetry

I want to tell a chapter.

So easy to write of dragons, heros, battles and mystical villains.

But this chapter is ripe with horrible truth. One that runs on a loop in my head.

To tell the story, I need the words, but they have disappeared.

Fear, anger, a sadness so deep I don’t know if it has a bottom.

To keep it trapped in my head will surly pull me back into muck that I’ve fought my whole life to get out of.

I want to tell a chapter but it’s ugly and dark. It is not for everyone. And I can understand. But I can’t hold this on my own.

Trust, the words are coming. I’m trying. Trust, I am not alone. I’m trying.

I want to tell a chapter

Things I can not say

That moment when the dam burst 
And you held me tight 
I apologized for breaking
You gently glued the pieces right
That was the first time I could lean 
You offered a shoulder so steady
That was the first time I was seen 
In darkness and in light 
You’ll never know the value of 
What you did for me 
No matter the distance between us 
Always loyal, will I be

No Longer

I no longer fit.

Every title

Every category

you’ve ever given me

no longer applies

by your terms.

In the same breath

to cross my lips

would be

thank you fuck you

It’s been exhausting to

Please

Defy

You –

much is met with indifference

Horror

Admiration

I shrank to meet your comfort

I bloomed for your

Entertainment

I died a thousand times

To be remade in desired image

Ignored

Bled dry

Imprisoned by Worship

Impaled by disdain

I no longer fit

I will grow

I will learn

Defined

by my own Terms

The Sixteenth Card

When do you call time?

Jam your hands and feet against the wall

Brace against the fall.

STOP

Enough now, it’s time.

From a distance what you’d have witness would be this.

A beautiful scene. Tall tower, blue sky-

The cracks began to show.

In a blink fire, explosion

The tower collapses

Ruble everywhere.

STOP

The destruction is done, no more

The air acrid with smoke- the tower has fallen

The sky blotted out, the tower is no more.

The landing was painful

I am not unscathed

There is blood, breaks, putrid wounds

Tears, fear, a heavy heart

STOP

Stillness, let it settle, let the pieces fall

Time to clean wounds, set the breaks

Wipe the soot from my eyes.

The lightening dark, clearing of smoke.

This hurts, but it’s purifying

Dissolve to ash.

STOP

Time to start again, from the elements

Air, Water, Fire, Earth,

Spirit

Weave together, first form the heart

Then breath.

Bone, nerve, muscle

Skin- sensation

Brain, thought, creative, memory

Ahh memory and wisdom

Those scars I’ll bear

BEGIN

Unfinished Production

I tried to write the present, future story of my life

I took the best of what I wanted

I took the best of what I saw

And the story was so beautiful

You didn’t know the script

You didn’t want my story

You couldn’t play the part

You tried to tell me you’d been miscast

Now my stage is empty

Scattered, torn pages on the floor

The echos of my voice bouncing off the lonely walls

Stage make up streaked down my face

Lights fading

Audience gone

Birthday

The night before.

I have so much in my head.

I’m sitting thinking of what this night may have been like for my mom.

I’m thinking about how she never got to see this number for herself.

I’m thinking about how I’m not sure I’ve done enough with this gift of time.

I’m thinking about who I want to be

I’m thinking about who I am

I’m thinking about the things that have broken my heart.

I’m thinking about the things that have bandaged my heart.

I’m thinking about what kind of cake there might be tomorrow.

Happy Birth Day 💜

Children Today

Torture to see pain and fear in your child’s eyes

How do we explain the world? The lack of empathy. The constant fear drum being beat relentlessly.

Wanting to say everything will be alright, feeling the words dry up on your tongue because you don’t know. Never make promises you can’t keep.

Her heart is heavy. Mine is breaking.

I hold her, wipe away the tears, fighting back my own.

Hope, hope, find it, enough to share. I can not bare one more thing.

Until I have to.

Tell her ‘bout the wheel, how it will turn. It won’t stay like this forever. It can’t.

A piece of childhood shattered. Another bit lost.

I must be her port. Hold steady despite my fear.