A Prayer for Chronic Illness

Now I lay me down to sleep

I pray the pain is low and meek

If it rises before I wake

I pray for the right meds to take

Now I lay me down to sleep

It’s quiet here, so I can weep

The smile I wore all day was fake

It’s almost more than I can take

Now I lay me down to sleep

I pray for rest, for I feel weak

Let the monsters be still, until I wake

So to the next morning I will make.

My Steady

Inspired by my encounter with the old man at the train I was called to visit another Old Man on my way home.

Although my to do pile threatens to topple at any moment I had to take the time to come and see my steadfast friend.

He listens with out judgment. He does not tell me I’m dramatic. He lets me lean in, and does not shift away. He has seen my true broken self, heard my anguished cries, my whispers of joy, my tenuous hope and still welcomes me to the quiet safe haven.

I am sinking. I am in pain. I am overwhelmed. I am overwrought. I have failed at so much.

My words feel lost. I feel ungrateful. I feel selfish. I feel invisible. I feel exhausted. I weep at his feet. I try to slow my breath to match his ancient rhythm. I try hard to hear his message from the Gods.

For a moment there is stillness. For a moment the monsters stop talking. For a moment…….

As I take my leave, I let the late summer sun dry my tears. I give thanks for the gift he has been in my life. Off to do battle once more.

Growing Pains

You wake up one morning and feel it.

You can’t ignore it any more You’ve been talking a great game – but action? Nah, fear holds you back.

This morning I knew- what I thought had been a Phoenix rising moment for me a few years ago was completely false. There was only rising on wax wings.

It was just the real beginning of my Tower collapse ( those of you familiar with Tarot will get the reference).

Aspects of my self had started emerging. Other pieces ripped away. Continually masks being pulled off. People moving in and out and around my life with alarming speed. Facilitating much creation, joy and destruction, grief. Wonderful things introduced to explore, teased and then taken away. My darkness and light mixing like ink and water.

This last 8 months especially, I have felt raw. Pulled open, heart dissected. No skin, no face. A collection of demons, damage, scars, pain, faith, love, humility, inquisitiveness, hope and beauty.

I jumped deep into exploring my Faith, Beliefs, Myself. Looking for reflections of myself in the things around me. Not always liking what I see. Falling deeply in love with who I want to be, and bringing her to life. This work is hard. This work is lonely.

I still want my Village

I still want my Circle

to celebrate and work with.

But first I must find my Village within. My circle around myself. No one will accept me as I am, until I accept myself.
It is not a straight line. It is ongoing.

I am love. I am light. I am dark. I am sadness. I am joyful. I am powerful. I am weak. I am intense. I am needy. I am giving. I am compassion. I am empathy. I am love. I am broken. I am whole. I see the best in myself. I see the best in others.
I have talents, gifts, knowledge and love to share.

The fire is burning bright. The ashes will scatter. And finally the imperfect Phoenix will begin to rise.

Tower

Breathless I wait…… the vibrations of change are beginning. I can feel them. This is needed. The Tower, yet again begins to roil.
For the last while I have been required to be present, clear, steady, a safe harbour. A shelter ( oh I do this so well)
I feel deeply
My loyalty steadfast
Can I see the end of the nightmare that is not mine?
Rally love, you have it in you. Rally love, this is your place. Rally love, we’ve walked this way before.
The Tower pitches and cracks. Can I hold the steadfast harbour for you with one hand and ride out the inner rollercoaster, holding on to myself with the other?
I can. I will. I’ve got it in me. This is my place. I’ve walked this way before. But this time a new path will now be made. We shall not come to pass this way again