Standing Still at the Speed of Light
Writing, true life, random facts and fiction
I stirred to you whispering my true name.
The resonance of your voice working its way through my body like warm honey
The name no one knows
The sacred
Melting my will
Do not let me leave this dream
I welcome you wholly
In this liminal space I feel
You
Inside
The taste of you
Driving my hunger
Burning from within
Hold me down here
I beg
The dawn is breaking
You fade like mist
Leaving me with a want
That may never be satisfied
The 12 days of Yule have begun. It is also the night before Winter Solstice. I had been thinking over the weekend how I wanted to honour the start and celebrate my Ancestors, my Kin and my own Spirit.
The Universe directed me. I have hit a wall, a hard one. Physically, emotionally and mentally.
By the time I finished my ‘official’ day yesterday I was done, my body and mind were heavy and exhausted.
I went to bed early. Knowing enough to try to rest as today was another full tilt one.
This morning I had a headache and I felt like I ran a marathon ( this is a common body response when my anxiety has been high). While I have had some anxiety peaks in the last month, I did not feel this was the sole cause of my malaise.
I am burned out. The stress of the outside world has pecked away consistently at my armour. I have been on go for so long I’m not sure, other than when receiving a massage, when else I’ve actually hit pause. Even sleep feels like a momentary dead drop and right back at it.
It’s almost amusing, because one of the things on my never ending ‘to do’ list is to rearrange my schedule in the new year to have more ‘life, quiet, creative, connection time.’ It moved up the list to a top spot.
On this first day of Yule, the day to honour the Mother, the strong feminine, I honoured myself.
So today, I hit a full pause. I am grateful for the clients who understood, rebooked for another time and encouraged my day of rest.
I kept my pjs on. I ate light, I slept, read, listened to podcasts, curled up with my dogs.
I honoured my wisdom to listen to my body, my strength to not push through, I nurtured myself.
There is guilt lurking in the back ground, things left undone, not productive enough for the day. But the self talk I am practicing is that, this is what I needed, this was critical soul food. That in order to be present and participate, I needed this recharge.
Do I feel whole? No, but I feel a little more peace. The burning stiffness that anxiety trails through my muscles has softened. The pounding in my head receded. I don’t feel as emotionally drained.
I am not the only one. But I am one of the few that finally gave myself permission to stop.
I should have done it sooner. I have been the one who did not listen, who crashed hard with illness and yet kept going. Waiting for someone else to tell me it’s ok, that I am deserving to rest.
Do you feel this? Are you just trying to carry on despite everything?
On this first night of Yule, my gift to you is permission to hit pause.
You are worthy and you are very deserving.
Rest, move mindfully and know that’s more than enough.
‘You deserve to be pain free.’
This statement has been sitting with me for a few days. A simple statement. One that felt like it had been in a foreign language I had never heard. I hadn’t realized until that moment that I hadn’t believed it to be true. A statement that pierced something deep- my reflex was to just talk/excuse over it. But here it sits, still rolling around my brain like a loose marble.
These last few years have been really hard on my body. I have been hard on my body.
My mental health monsters cause physical pain.
Past and current injuries sometimes sing in unison, sometimes compete for the lead.
There is not a day where I am not aware of something, burning, aching, stabbing, tightening….
It is not as though I don’t do anything for the pain I feel.
But the levels are now consistent and high enough that over the counter pain relievers don’t do a lot.
I still use them, along with multiple other things to help keep me functioning in my life. I use hot and cold, stretching, topical potions, cbd/thc and massage. Most giving me a few hours of decreased pain, massage being the one that brings better, longer relief, yet still temporary. The one thing I haven’t added in was any form of prescription pain relieving narcotic.
I have a complicated history with most pharmaceuticals. They often don’t do what they are meant to in my body. My genetic history is riddled with mental health and addiction markers. I am very reluctant to use strong pain relievers, especially in the opiate family.
‘You deserve to be pain free’
So why did this statement hit me so hard?
It was nothing I had considered before. My reasoning makes sense in many ways. Worry about side effects, cost and the biggest worry falling into addiction. It has me contemplating my hard stance.
That statement reminded me it doesn’t have to be all or nothing. That with care, consideration and proper support, it is an avenue that may be of service to me.
That gentle statement has led me to contemplating more…..
Do I punish myself? Am I resigned to carry this physical discomfort with restricted relief.? Why is this ok? How do I allow this with myself? Do I feel supported? Where do these barriers come from……
Deeper into the shadows I go for more answers.
Other stories on this blog do a decent job of explaining a few things about me. As this journal progresses I imagine so much more will be revealed. But a little back story to what brought me to this ‘start point’.
I’m firmly entrenched in midlife, chronologically but in my head I still feel like I’m in my early 20s- I’d like to think that is perpetuated by my eternal curiosity.
I had a lot of trauma in my younger years. I have GAD ( generalized anxiety disorder) and CPTSD, those two combined at time are a big rollercoaster of hellish fun.
I struggle with chronic pain, some resulting from my mental health issues, some from old injuries and sadly I’m sure some is a little from age.
I am a practicing Pagan, a Grey Witch ( if such a title is needed).
I am a survivor of rape and abuse.
I work as a massage therapist, energy healer, teacher, tarot reader, intuitive and writer.
I am a mother to an incredible teen daughter and a biological mother to an amazing young man.
I am a wife, sister and friend.
I am amazingly strong and easily hurt.
I have hope that seems to stay like a beacon of light even when I feel taken down by despair
How did I come to the ‘dark night’ awakening?
I can not pin point one moment, but a cascade of things.
I dreaded my 40s for as long as I could remember, a fatalistic view really. My mother died at 44, I was 12. That death shadow hung over me, somewhere in my head I had always believed I too would be gone young. To that end, I did enough for my mental health to ‘survive’ to keep a lid on all the poison. I had fooled myself into believing I had a handle on my ‘stuff’. Because honestly could someone who didn’t ‘have it together’ how could I achieve so much?
I thought I had begun to do positive work, building a strong life.
Just after my 45th birthday there was a tipping event involving betrayal, abandonment, humiliation and a break down of self.
I was so lost, just trying to make it through the day and fill the expectations of the roles I play. My anxiety was getting worse, social anxiety symptoms that I hadn’t experienced in years took me down hard. To complicate matters, within a year, as a planet we entered a pandemic that is ongoing and we are feeling the acceleration of the effects of climate change. The darkness and fear was closing in. The grasping of things, friends, comprise of self, use of substances for escape all becoming a sand trap I was silently drowning in.
The cross roads epiphany struck like lightening ‘work through this, find your life spark or face soul and/or real death.’
First came the stacks of books, workshops and podcasts. I journaled, I had recognitions, insight and so much, however the amount of information and emotion surfacing became overwhelming.
Then the inner knowledge I need help filtering the all information in relation to myself. Due to the tipping event I did not feel that anyone in my circle was a reliable source of deep support. Also knowing that I was entering a place of really wanting to be able to observe myself with a ( hopefully loving) critical eye, professional help was needed. This was hard for me, I had not done therapy since I was a kid, I’d always believed I was self sufficient/smart enough to work through my things with books, workshops and podcasts. Finally making that decision, I was choosing self love. The Shadow work was really about to take a deep direction.
And so it began…
Hello readers,
Until now this blog has been a stream of consciousness for me, often revolving around my battles with anxiety, some poetry and a few political rants. I’m going to add a couple of other streams of writing. I’m searching for my bravado to start adding some of my fiction to this site, and that will come. But the newest addition is going to come in a journal type format.
It will be identified under the heading of Awkward Tales from the Shadows. This is my journey of healing, determination, acceptance and accountability.
I am aiming to have a narrative about what I’ve actually been doing to work through my dark night ( well a three year night, but who’s counting) of the soul. The Shadow work I’ve undertaken, the revelations that have come from therapy, the revelations that have come from diving into my Pagan spiritual work and the physical work I am undertaking and how all of these things intersect in the relationships I have with others and myself.
I do not have a degree in psychology, I am not a doctor, what works for me, may not be suitable for you, dear reader. I am not writing this as a how to guide, each of our journeys and needs are unique, there is no shame in medications, therapy or any other help or healthy tools you need to grow in your life.
The truths are mine, the perceptions are mine. The losses and victories are mine.
Some people won’t like this, and that’s ok. This isn’t for them. I’m not writing this to punish or blame anyone- we all affect each other. I will not name people outright. But if they’ve had a part in my journey, for good, bad, ugly or a combination of all, then they will appear here. There are wonderful moments and people that have also had an enormous effect in shaping who I am. These are just as important to acknowledge as the trauma side of things. There are things that have happened to me that were not fair, kind or wanted. I do not have false gratitude for these events, but what I am working on is appreciating what I have been capable of doing to survive.
I’m on a mission. For myself, for my children and for anyone that may find a kindred spirit or inspiration in what I’m doing. This may not be easy, it may not be pretty, but I also know it will not all be heavy and dark.
“Share your knowledge. It’s a way to achieve immortality. One learns so much just from living a lifetime. Share that knowledge with the people you come across, it can only help them in their journeys. Even more important, share your failures so that others will not repeat them.” Jordan Lejuwaan
The sky lightens
Inky darkness passes
The sun not yet breaking the horizon
Grey mystic light, hovering
Magic folk still revelling in the dissipating shadows
Dancing in the dew, charting courses by the stars
They call to me
Have faith, you are moving closer to your heart
Your magic has not dimmed, only covered by the din of everyday
Come to dance, in the cool wet grass
Remember who you are
Who you were, before you gave it away
Call the pieces home, take back the self you shared to those who did not see
The weave of spells that you are
A chorus of birds to sing me home
Blessed be the Witches in the magic of the dawn.
Sitting in the soft glow of the Christmas lights on the Tree and those shining from my Altar. Drinking coffee and contemplating faith.
I document some of my mental and physical health struggles. I have a biting sarcastic sense of humour ( carved well from surviving trauma). I am an empath through and through. I am curious. I am kind. I have a temper. I take things personally that I probably shouldn’t. I believe in helping because it’s the right thing to do. I believe the body is only the house of who we are, I do not believe in judging on gender, race, orientation or colour. I have a strong sense of spirituality and faith. I am Pagan.
Working with chronic illness I encourage my clients to include a faith based practice. I tell them, that these practices and communities are so important to healing. It is another pillar needed for survival. I never tell them what it should look like. I tell them it should be what speaks to them, what elevates them to their higher good, where they find comfort and connection.
Do I think it solves everything? No. Do I believe that alone will heal? No. Do I believe it takes struggle away? No.
Being Pagan, for me, means I am not beholden to one God. I do not bow to my Deity, I do not hand over my ills, nor do I blame or credit them with everything that happens in my life. I believe we are all interconnected. We are the stuff made of stars, we are nature. I believe this interconnection ( magic) binds us to be responsible in our actions and their effects on the world around us. I believe that science and magic work hand in hand. I believe there are things unseen and unknown. I believe my ancestors hold wisdom that can guide me if I listen.
Do I believe this makes me better than you if our Gods do not share the same name? No. I believe all roads eventually lead back to the same and you put the face on it you are most comfortable with.
I do find offence if you’re God demands that you make others conform to your understanding. I am offended if your God leads you to believe you are morally superior because of what you believe. I am offended if your God punishes people for perceived ‘sins’ or character flaws.
I am not offended if you hold me in your prayers, if it is to protect and share love, for that I am deeply moved and honoured.
I am offended if you are praying for my redemption because I’m not like you.
I am offended if you are judging me on my writing, humour or very human flaws and struggles, because you believe these things mean I have yet to find god….. I am offended if your belief makes you think it is ok to tell me that this is what I need.
My faith has so far seen me through some very dark moments. My faith has helped me have compassion and purpose. My faith keeps me curious and in wonder. I have found Myself with in it.
As we move through this season, be joyful, be kind and be open. There are many of us celebrating many things, there are many of us struggling with many things, but I think we can all agree that we should celebrate together, work together and create something better than what we have. Together.
❤️🔮
To breathe.
To breathe.
To walk amongst the dead.
To move among the ghosts.
To wait to hear the stories.
To get a sense of what comes before.
To touch where I am.
To see where I can go.
Deny the technology
Welcome the energies
To breathe
To breathe
Impromptu escape.
Remember the magic of who I am.
I stood in the grayed in dawn , the silence and took in a big breath.
The noise in my head has been so loud, the pain that comes along with that has been so sharp.
The inner and outer worlds have been clashing for a while. I’ve tried to hold steady.
The faint trace of smoke is in the air, as I breathe down into my lungs and push my feet into the cold cold grass.
Touchstones, the cold of the grass reminds me I’m real, the taste of the smoke reminds me I’m real, I haven’t yet disappeared, I haven’t yet faded with the mist of the dawn.
I do not know if today holds battle, or a blessed retreat and peace. All I know is in this fractured moment I find stillness.
Dawn is coming later and later now. The cool chill of the navy and grey are what I am met with on my way in the morning. The first hint of light reaching up. At first the darkness still seems oppressive, to push back the coming light. But the golds and oranges gain power as they cut through and begin to illuminate the horizon.
This is symbolic of the ‘always tomorrow’. The light will come, the dark will recede to corners and cliffs.
AKF
Standing Still at the Speed of Light 