Tag: love

The Faithful Witch, or why I don’t need to ‘find God’

Sitting in the soft glow of the Christmas lights on the Tree and those shining from my Altar. Drinking coffee and contemplating faith.

I document some of my mental and physical health struggles. I have a biting sarcastic sense of humour ( carved well from surviving trauma). I am an empath through and through. I am curious. I am kind. I have a temper. I take things personally that I probably shouldn’t. I believe in helping because it’s the right thing to do. I believe the body is only the house of who we are, I do not believe in judging on gender, race, orientation or colour. I have a strong sense of spirituality and faith. I am Pagan.

Working with chronic illness I encourage my clients to include a faith based practice. I tell them, that these practices and communities are so important to healing. It is another pillar needed for survival. I never tell them what it should look like. I tell them it should be what speaks to them, what elevates them to their higher good, where they find comfort and connection.

Do I think it solves everything? No. Do I believe that alone will heal? No. Do I believe it takes struggle away? No.

Being Pagan, for me, means I am not beholden to one God. I do not bow to my Deity, I do not hand over my ills, nor do I blame or credit them with everything that happens in my life. I believe we are all interconnected. We are the stuff made of stars, we are nature. I believe this interconnection ( magic) binds us to be responsible in our actions and their effects on the world around us. I believe that science and magic work hand in hand. I believe there are things unseen and unknown. I believe my ancestors hold wisdom that can guide me if I listen.

Do I believe this makes me better than you if our Gods do not share the same name? No. I believe all roads eventually lead back to the same and you put the face on it you are most comfortable with.

I do find offence if you’re God demands that you make others conform to your understanding. I am offended if your God leads you to believe you are morally superior because of what you believe. I am offended if your God punishes people for perceived ‘sins’ or character flaws.

I am not offended if you hold me in your prayers, if it is to protect and share love, for that I am deeply moved and honoured.

I am offended if you are praying for my redemption because I’m not like you.

I am offended if you are judging me on my writing, humour or very human flaws and struggles, because you believe these things mean I have yet to find god….. I am offended if your belief makes you think it is ok to tell me that this is what I need.

My faith has so far seen me through some very dark moments. My faith has helped me have compassion and purpose. My faith keeps me curious and in wonder. I have found Myself with in it.

As we move through this season, be joyful, be kind and be open. There are many of us celebrating many things, there are many of us struggling with many things, but I think we can all agree that we should celebrate together, work together and create something better than what we have. Together.

❤️🔮

A Moment of Healing

Trust yourself

Place your hands on the warmth of your skin

Breathe, you are here

There is no sting

Pressure of the phantom hand

Trust yourself

Place your hands with compassion, the places once scarred, mark the beautiful start

Breathe, you are here

Place your hands, the fleshy parts, once blue, now rosy pink. There is no harm

Only honour, only love

Trust yourself

Place your hands, over your heart. Offer compassion to the place ruined not by love but by betrayal

Breathe, you are here

Place your fingers on the softness of your throat, the strong vibration of words now clearly spoken, from a place once stolen

Trust yourself

Place your hands upon the place where your soul resides, accepting both the light and the dark

Breathe, you are here

Place your hands amongst the spaces where your power hums heavy, intimately yours, you owe it no access from others.

Trust. Yourself.

Can’t I just enjoy the moment?

I have been working on details for my daughter’s upcoming birthday.

She’s asked for something small, simple. In part because of Covid, in part because she’s 12, in junior high and her tastes have changed.

And this morning the trigger pulled so quick it was like a starters pistol. The take down by a wall of emotion was swift. These are some of the last of my critical markers to pass.

42, the age my Mother was when she died, I cleared that hurdle.

Grade 6, for my kid- which strangely reflected mine for loss.

I left school months before it ended ( my Mother was ill and we were waiting for her passing.) I never went back to finish. I spent a lonely summer with my dog before grade 7.

In turn Lily was forced from her life ( as were all) by a virus, her grade 6 experience cut short, her summer had very little friend contact and she spent it with her dog.

While my own 12th marked a hard end to my childhood, I see for Lily ( and blessedly so) her own childhood is softly receding.

But this morning I’m overwhelmed by emotion.

A mix of grieving for myself, and the young girl who really needed her Mom.

Excitement that I’m here to share this with Lily, and share her future.

A somewhat irrational fear that it’s a tease and I won’t be here much past this for her. Disappointment at the altered landscape she has to experience. Frustration that both myself and my kid never got ‘normal’ at this age. ( what does that mean really?!)

Fear that I know even less of what to do parenting wise than I did before.

I think my monsters and I have been wrestling with this in the background for a while. Hidden by the immediacy of other battles.

I’m not sure what to do with this.

I’m blessed, I know. It’s irrational I know, ( welcome to the tasty cocktail of mental illness, trauma and life stress ). But it is, for the moment my reality.

I now have a moment before she gets up to start her day, to pack it all away, for now. To get back to helping her with the little details of her birthday, let her excitement be infectious, her smile warm the chill of my fears.

She really is an amazing young lady, and I’m so lucky to be her mom. ❤️

Moon

I closed my eyes. Let Her silver glow wash over me.

The words I long to have heard, I speak to Her through still lips.

The coolness of the air prickling my skin, little reminders of how alive I really am.

My cheeks are wet, I am comforted by her soft embrace.

Blessed are the children of the Moon, for no Mother is more forgiving of our shortcomings than She.

DM.

After This Week

What I am going to do to help. 

I will show up. 

I will ask questions.

I will be willing to listen openly.

I will be willing to learn.

I will be willing to stand by those of any colour, orientation, gender, and faith- with the understanding that they to should be willing to stand by others. 

I will use my place and my voice to raise awareness, educate and change.

I admit that I have biases I have never really questioned. 

I admit that I have stood by the sidelines because ‘it doesn’t really affect me.’

I admit that there are experiences I will never have due to who I am.

I am sad. I am angry. I am horrified.

I am hopeful. I am ready to fight for you.

Growing Pains

You wake up one morning and feel it. 

You can’t ignore it any more You’ve been talking a great game – but action? Nah, fear holds you back. 

This morning I knew- what I thought had been a Phoenix rising moment for me a few years ago was completely false. There was only rising on wax wings. 

It was just the real beginning of my Tower collapse ( those of you familiar with Tarot will get the reference).

Aspects of my self had started emerging. Other pieces ripped away. Continually masks being pulled off. People moving in and out and around my life with alarming speed. Facilitating much creation, joy and destruction, grief. Wonderful things introduced to explore, teased and then taken away. My darkness and light mixing like ink and water. 

This last 8 months especially, I have felt raw. Pulled open, heart dissected. No skin, no face. A collection of demons, damage, scars, pain, faith, love, humility, inquisitiveness, hope and beauty. 

I jumped deep into exploring my Faith, Beliefs, Myself. Looking for reflections of myself in the things around me. Not always liking what I see. Falling deeply in love with who I want to be, and bringing her to life. This work is hard. This work is lonely. 

I still want my Village 

I still want my Circle

to celebrate and work with.

 But first I must find my Village within. My circle around myself. No one will accept me as I am, until I accept myself. 
It is not a straight line. It is ongoing. 

I am love. I am light. I am dark. I am sadness. I am joyful. I am powerful. I am weak. I am intense. I am needy. I am giving. I am compassion. I am empathy. I am love. I am broken. I am whole. I see the best in myself. I see the best in others. 
I have talents, gifts, knowledge and love to share. 

The fire is burning bright. The ashes will scatter. And finally the imperfect Phoenix will begin to rise. 

Tired Thoughts

Vulnerability is to be strong. So I have read. We all have the desire to be loved, encouraged and accepted for who we are.

There was so much more I was going to write. And part way through, I realized it is pointless.

Wether I am kind or cutting. Giving or closed off. It will never be correct as people put their own meaning on the things others do. We will always be the bad guy or the weak jerk in someone’s story, no matter the intent.

It’s easy to let that removed judgement defeat us. Turn us cold, label people as toxic, cruel – hold on to anger, hurt.
To stop trying, loving, understanding, trusting, accepting, respecting, connecting……. we do not allow vulnerability, where true healing is found.
We turn this on ourselves, to reinforce kindness comes with payment, we are unworthy of love and acceptance, we are unworthy of working towards better.
And so the cycle goes.

Whether I am a good character or bad character in the story you tell yourself- I can not change this. But I am learning to accept I am a whole character trying hard to hang on in a world that makes it very hard to be vulnerable, content, kind and forgiving.

❤️

Communicate

Communicate. Say what’s on your mind, even if it’s hard. Own how you feel.

Before you open your mouth understand it’s origins. Understand where it comes from, inside you- Do not attack.

Be mindful that you will NOT full understand the motivations of others. Don’t walk away on assumptions. If there are good things to tell, do that too.

For a writer, I have never been good at conveying my personal feelings without over explaining, or thinking that people should just know. These opposite ends of the spectrum are heightened by my mental illness, there seems to be no in-between. It leads me to taking everything personally (victim mind set). “What did I do? How can I fix this?” It leaves very little room for other person because I have created the narrative already.

I have been working on learning the difference between what is mindful compassion for yourself and the other and what is falling on the sword martyrdom.

Falling on the sword martyrdom- “I know I am horrible and I am the reason you are angry/sad. I have ruined everything, but I wouldn’t have if you weren’t so mean. Tell me what i did wrong? But I will change, I will be the perfect one.- or- I have done nothing, I will withdraw, that’ll show them, they will realize what they have done and miss me 😒”

Mindful compassion- “Things seem off, and I am feeling that there is some anger/tension and I’d like to discus the situation. It is making me uncomfortable/sad.”

The catch? The other person may not be receptive to this style, they may not be willing to participate in this way.

The lesson is to not take that personally. Which is hard if you are really trying to come from a place of mindful compassion, and it feels they are not.

It won’t always work. You are still human. They are still human. All you can do is try- especially if the relationship was significant. At least if it can’t be fixed it can go out on a respectful end. And you might be surprised at what you learn, what can be worked on, what can be achieved.

Communicate with intent, love and respect.
Rambling 5 am thoughts…. Thanks for reading

Faith

Energy. It is the basis of everything. 

I believe it is all connected. 

I believe we are all connected.

I believe we are here to learn. 

I believe we are here to help each other.

I believe in past lives.

I believe that a multiverse is a probability.

Energy never ceases to exist. It just changes.

I believe not everything is predestined.

I believe in timeless connections

I believe in soul families

I believe in levelling up

I believe in being of service

I believe in love