Standing Still at the Speed of Light
Writing, true life, random facts and fiction
This moment keeps repeating
A loop
The answer I claim not to know
Sits low in the pit of my stomach
Every time the moment loops
The pit grows
But
What if?
How many times can I ask myself this?
The loop comes again
Tonight I almost felt swallowed by it
Sorrow weighs heavy
I can talk myself out of anything
Almost
Until the moment loops again
Sigh
We can take today to be confused, angry and disappointed. We can wonder how people worry more about money but not about the most vulnerable in their communities. We can be wounded that it feels like people’s basic needs are not as important as ravaging the earth for commerce. We can, for a moment take this personally.
What we CAN NOT do is give up. We can dream that ‘elsewhere’ will be better. But it’s not. This ideology is seeded everywhere.
What we must do…. Fight, education and appeal. The majority was NOT a landslide, that means, there are many of us who feel the community and working to the greater good is important. We must come together and use our voices ( it still is a democracy) and our actions to keep this government in check. Educate those around us about the cost of doing business with the UCP. Appeal to the basic humanity of those supporters when it comes to marginalized people.
It feels exhausting, it feels easier to pack up and go, but what we are saying then, is that we are only willing to care for each other when the majority makes it easier, not when times are tough and the vulnerable need it more, not to be abandoned.
Take the time to find balance, it’s out there, there are people and programs doing great things. Find them, amplify and support them. Yes we need to point out the ick and gross treatment/ideals and methods of the far R, but make the community minded people heard as well.
For every ‘can you believe this 💩’ angry post you do, I challenge you to amplify 1 or 2 ‘look at the amazing things people are doing’ posts. We can do this.
Do you know what the true quiet quitting is?
When you want the time, attention, effort and energy you put out to be appreciated and in some form returned and you come to the realization it is not.
When you yearn so much to be validated, seen, and heard, and when you recognize it doesn’t materialize and you just give up.
Quietly of course, your opinions get quieter and smaller, you begin to ask less, you begin to do less and you feel the shrinking taking place.
It happens in small ways at first, and not in every place in your life at the same time. It’s barely even noticeable because nothing was noticeable to begin with in that space.
Until finally the space that you took up is all but folded it on itself and winked out like a little fairy light.
That my friends is a quiet quitting,
everyone trying so hard to be heard and very few taking the time to listen. We eventually stop putting in the extra time and attention in the places we feel undervalued.
This happens in every place we inhibit, work, school, friend relationships, family relationships- our daily lives.
Nothing is ever truly balanced, that is one of life’s hard truths. Another, is that no one ( not even ourselves) can live up to the expectations we create. Compassion and understanding are needed for moments of unbalance, but should not have to be the space you always operate from.
Perhaps this is the truest form of self love? To often this disconnect is unnoticed, or blame shifted to the person receding. A reaction of fear that the person/place being receded from may need to be accountable.
What are/have you quietly quit? What was the outcome? Who has quietly quit from a work or personal relationship with you? Do you understand, will you admit your role in the dissolution? Have you ever noticed the places you quietly quit on yourself?
Lately the anxiety is bubbling just under the surface. I have had a wild month. Slings, arrows, bricks, mortar, silence and a deafening cacophony.
I had a big slip- with some help I fought back most of the way.
I have been fighting hard to breath life into the amazing opportunities in front of me.
To not be crushed by feelings of doubt and inadequacies. To not rely on ample input from the outside. To believe the reasons I’ve been given about why I’m the one who can accomplish these tasks. To trust I’m making the right choices. To not build my hopes of success by the involvement or encouragement of others. To choose carefully how I build, what I build and with who.
Trust trust trust myself
Today is shaky. Today is overwhelming. Today is very isolating. I know this place. And today, in this glorious Solstice, I cant seem to find it in me to get the monsters to be quiet, I cant seem to shake the dark. I cant seem to find my way. I am tired. I am sore. I have no voice but the inside screaming isn’t stopping.
Yet…. I have to, and I will do what needs to be done today. Measured breath, clenched jaw, head down and do what I can. Ride it out.
So tonight when I am finished doing what I must, I’m going to go to my favourite places amongst the trees, maybe find a Fae door or two. Breathe, ground, and let this finally wash through me. To let the God(dess) hold me steady, this too shall pass.
Today would have been your 81st birthday. 37 years since you were on this side of the veil. In years past I often would feel a sadness or longing on this day.
But this year feels different. There has been much mental health and trauma work done this year. Uncovering some wounds that had scarred over, the scars had created a choking trap, I’ve finally found the courage to start undoing, breaking patterns, healing.
This year feels different. Longing and sadness are marred by hurt and frustration. I still miss you, I will always love you and I’m trying to find some compassion and grace for the choices you made. The choices that had consequences for so many.
A moment of quiet, a breath, remembrance, questioning and love. Happy Birthday Mom.
I didn’t get my first tattoo until I was beginning my 40s. In a few days, I’ll be 49. Today I just got my 9th tattoo.
Each tattoo is a symbol for something. This past decade I have been through some very dark moments, and have shed many things of myself.
Things started to get a little shaky for me. Mental health wise I shut down. A mix of burnout and elevation of anxiety and old trauma surfacing. Being compounded by upheaval and high tension around me.
I have been doing intense work over the last year. Working on releasing trauma patterning, learning about myself, the light and dark. At times the realizations have been hard. The pain uncovered, the isolation. Things I want to repair but am unsure how, setting firm boundaries. Again I’ve called to the Morrigan to remind me that I’m am strong, a worthy warrior.
I do not know what this last year of my 40s will bring, what I do know is, that this past decade has had incredible highs and lows. I’ve gained and lost so much. I am hoping my 50s will be more learning but less drops. I know it will be recorded, the pictures on my skin a reminder to myself of my journey, my growth and my power.
The rage is almost unbearable
I want to scream till I am spent
Childhood lessons:
refining sensitivities to others, anticipate the needs to keep the peace, prove my worth.
Do not ask, do not demand, it is selfish, you are not worthy to ask so much.
Adult lessons:
I taught you how to treat me. She is kind, giving, forgiving and hardly asks for a thing, we love her.
But when she does she’s needy, an emotional sucking hole that has the audacity to want to be first. Know your place.
The rage ( at self) comes from trying to change and loosing out when I’m no longer suitable. The rage ( outwards) comes from not being considered, from not having someone, anyone anticipate how tender I am and how I might be affected. The disgust I feel ( at self) for this ridiculous notion and foolish hope.
The sadness and exhaustion comes from knowing what saved me in childhood can be dangerous to me in my adult life if I am not careful, also knowing that my empathic skill can still be a superpower.
Rage at seeing the cycle, more rage at the seemingly inability to break it meaningfully. Disgust knowing I can not demand to hold value with others until I hold value within. Frustration knowing my self worth has been dependent for so long on how others need me.
She beats her fists against the glass and still insists she’s a valid lass
The 12 days of Yule have begun. It is also the night before Winter Solstice. I had been thinking over the weekend how I wanted to honour the start and celebrate my Ancestors, my Kin and my own Spirit.
The Universe directed me. I have hit a wall, a hard one. Physically, emotionally and mentally.
By the time I finished my ‘official’ day yesterday I was done, my body and mind were heavy and exhausted.
I went to bed early. Knowing enough to try to rest as today was another full tilt one.
This morning I had a headache and I felt like I ran a marathon ( this is a common body response when my anxiety has been high). While I have had some anxiety peaks in the last month, I did not feel this was the sole cause of my malaise.
I am burned out. The stress of the outside world has pecked away consistently at my armour. I have been on go for so long I’m not sure, other than when receiving a massage, when else I’ve actually hit pause. Even sleep feels like a momentary dead drop and right back at it.
It’s almost amusing, because one of the things on my never ending ‘to do’ list is to rearrange my schedule in the new year to have more ‘life, quiet, creative, connection time.’ It moved up the list to a top spot.
On this first day of Yule, the day to honour the Mother, the strong feminine, I honoured myself.
So today, I hit a full pause. I am grateful for the clients who understood, rebooked for another time and encouraged my day of rest.
I kept my pjs on. I ate light, I slept, read, listened to podcasts, curled up with my dogs.
I honoured my wisdom to listen to my body, my strength to not push through, I nurtured myself.
There is guilt lurking in the back ground, things left undone, not productive enough for the day. But the self talk I am practicing is that, this is what I needed, this was critical soul food. That in order to be present and participate, I needed this recharge.
Do I feel whole? No, but I feel a little more peace. The burning stiffness that anxiety trails through my muscles has softened. The pounding in my head receded. I don’t feel as emotionally drained.
I am not the only one. But I am one of the few that finally gave myself permission to stop.
I should have done it sooner. I have been the one who did not listen, who crashed hard with illness and yet kept going. Waiting for someone else to tell me it’s ok, that I am deserving to rest.
Do you feel this? Are you just trying to carry on despite everything?
On this first night of Yule, my gift to you is permission to hit pause.
You are worthy and you are very deserving.
Rest, move mindfully and know that’s more than enough.
‘You deserve to be pain free.’
This statement has been sitting with me for a few days. A simple statement. One that felt like it had been in a foreign language I had never heard. I hadn’t realized until that moment that I hadn’t believed it to be true. A statement that pierced something deep- my reflex was to just talk/excuse over it. But here it sits, still rolling around my brain like a loose marble.
These last few years have been really hard on my body. I have been hard on my body.
My mental health monsters cause physical pain.
Past and current injuries sometimes sing in unison, sometimes compete for the lead.
There is not a day where I am not aware of something, burning, aching, stabbing, tightening….
It is not as though I don’t do anything for the pain I feel.
But the levels are now consistent and high enough that over the counter pain relievers don’t do a lot.
I still use them, along with multiple other things to help keep me functioning in my life. I use hot and cold, stretching, topical potions, cbd/thc and massage. Most giving me a few hours of decreased pain, massage being the one that brings better, longer relief, yet still temporary. The one thing I haven’t added in was any form of prescription pain relieving narcotic.
I have a complicated history with most pharmaceuticals. They often don’t do what they are meant to in my body. My genetic history is riddled with mental health and addiction markers. I am very reluctant to use strong pain relievers, especially in the opiate family.
‘You deserve to be pain free’
So why did this statement hit me so hard?
It was nothing I had considered before. My reasoning makes sense in many ways. Worry about side effects, cost and the biggest worry falling into addiction. It has me contemplating my hard stance.
That statement reminded me it doesn’t have to be all or nothing. That with care, consideration and proper support, it is an avenue that may be of service to me.
That gentle statement has led me to contemplating more…..
Do I punish myself? Am I resigned to carry this physical discomfort with restricted relief.? Why is this ok? How do I allow this with myself? Do I feel supported? Where do these barriers come from……
Deeper into the shadows I go for more answers.
Other stories on this blog do a decent job of explaining a few things about me. As this journal progresses I imagine so much more will be revealed. But a little back story to what brought me to this ‘start point’.
I’m firmly entrenched in midlife, chronologically but in my head I still feel like I’m in my early 20s- I’d like to think that is perpetuated by my eternal curiosity.
I had a lot of trauma in my younger years. I have GAD ( generalized anxiety disorder) and CPTSD, those two combined at time are a big rollercoaster of hellish fun.
I struggle with chronic pain, some resulting from my mental health issues, some from old injuries and sadly I’m sure some is a little from age.
I am a practicing Pagan, a Grey Witch ( if such a title is needed).
I am a survivor of rape and abuse.
I work as a massage therapist, energy healer, teacher, tarot reader, intuitive and writer.
I am a mother to an incredible teen daughter and a biological mother to an amazing young man.
I am a wife, sister and friend.
I am amazingly strong and easily hurt.
I have hope that seems to stay like a beacon of light even when I feel taken down by despair
How did I come to the ‘dark night’ awakening?
I can not pin point one moment, but a cascade of things.
I dreaded my 40s for as long as I could remember, a fatalistic view really. My mother died at 44, I was 12. That death shadow hung over me, somewhere in my head I had always believed I too would be gone young. To that end, I did enough for my mental health to ‘survive’ to keep a lid on all the poison. I had fooled myself into believing I had a handle on my ‘stuff’. Because honestly could someone who didn’t ‘have it together’ how could I achieve so much?
I thought I had begun to do positive work, building a strong life.
Just after my 45th birthday there was a tipping event involving betrayal, abandonment, humiliation and a break down of self.
I was so lost, just trying to make it through the day and fill the expectations of the roles I play. My anxiety was getting worse, social anxiety symptoms that I hadn’t experienced in years took me down hard. To complicate matters, within a year, as a planet we entered a pandemic that is ongoing and we are feeling the acceleration of the effects of climate change. The darkness and fear was closing in. The grasping of things, friends, comprise of self, use of substances for escape all becoming a sand trap I was silently drowning in.
The cross roads epiphany struck like lightening ‘work through this, find your life spark or face soul and/or real death.’
First came the stacks of books, workshops and podcasts. I journaled, I had recognitions, insight and so much, however the amount of information and emotion surfacing became overwhelming.
Then the inner knowledge I need help filtering the all information in relation to myself. Due to the tipping event I did not feel that anyone in my circle was a reliable source of deep support. Also knowing that I was entering a place of really wanting to be able to observe myself with a ( hopefully loving) critical eye, professional help was needed. This was hard for me, I had not done therapy since I was a kid, I’d always believed I was self sufficient/smart enough to work through my things with books, workshops and podcasts. Finally making that decision, I was choosing self love. The Shadow work was really about to take a deep direction.
And so it began…
Standing Still at the Speed of Light 