Standing Still at the Speed of Light
Writing, true life, random facts and fiction
I open my mouth
The words come out
But they are not mine
Ask me my dreams
Then tell me what they are
Ask me who I am
Then tell me who it is
Clear my throat
Louder I try
Offence is taken
At my louder clarity
Do I frighten you?
Does my truth not fit?
I am not yours to create
You say I misinterpret
You say it is my fault
This crushes
But I’m learning to dig my feet in
And to keep clearing my throat
I open my mouth
Clear
It is your filter that is broken
Goodbye sweet spirit.
We knew each other such a long time. Much mutual admiration for such hard roads travelled. We never really knew each other deeply, I was too young and frightened to invest, I owed you more.
Your art was moving, and spoke of the depth that travelled though you despite all of the challenges that held you under.
You inspired me. I’m not sure if I ever told you. I wish I had. You told me how much you loved Lily and loved hearing/ seeing her growing. I am grateful for this for reasons more personal and complex and that just belong to us ❤️.
The hardest part of this journey for you is done , the broken body that held your determined fiery spirit is now at rest. The chains that held you back are released, you are whole and free.
Thank you my friend, for your compassion, interest and inclusion. Forgive me my failings here, you really do inspire me. The beauty you witnessed and created with pencil to paper will always be a reminder of the big space you filled.
Tonite I look at the setting sun. On my exhale are the prayers for your peace, release and safety in the Mother’s Arms.
I hope in Transition my friend you hear and feel what I mistakenly did not adequately say in life.
Blessed Be Dear Soul. I look forward to the time we break bread together again ❤️
Today I broke.
It’s been along time coming, this is beyond the ‘ugly’ cry. This was pure unadulterated rage and disappointment.
Curled up in the corner of the tub, hot water running over me, mixing with the hot tears streaming down my face. The rhythm from the water providing a background to the guttural howl ripping through my throat
Today I can’t. Yet I have to.
Dangled carrot of some normality my brain is refusing, for fear of let down
Trying to reconcile how we treat each other vs the good game most of us talk
Crushed by the weight of constant uncertainty, distrust, disappointment
The chronic pain I thought I had a handle on, has been chipping away at my ability to do my self care, my life
Screaming into the void
Feeling like I’m saying the same thing over and over, on deafness it falls
Today wrap me in softness, sit with me, allow me to cry, allow me to rage, allow me to hurt and not feel guilty for it.
I’m not asking for a fix, I’m not wanting pity.
I’m not wanting to hear it will get better
I don’t want to hear how strong I am.
Today I’m asking to be heard, loved, validated as is. Because today I’m not ok.
When do you call time?
Jam your hands and feet against the wall
Brace against the fall.
STOP
Enough now, it’s time.
From a distance what you’d have witness would be this.
A beautiful scene. Tall tower, blue sky-
The cracks began to show.
In a blink fire, explosion
The tower collapses
Ruble everywhere.
STOP
The destruction is done, no more
The air acrid with smoke- the tower has fallen
The sky blotted out, the tower is no more.
The landing was painful
I am not unscathed
There is blood, breaks, putrid wounds
Tears, fear, a heavy heart
STOP
Stillness, let it settle, let the pieces fall
Time to clean wounds, set the breaks
Wipe the soot from my eyes.
The lightening dark, clearing of smoke.
This hurts, but it’s purifying
Dissolve to ash.
STOP
Time to start again, from the elements
Air, Water, Fire, Earth,
Spirit
Weave together, first form the heart
Then breath.
Bone, nerve, muscle
Skin- sensation
Brain, thought, creative, memory
Ahh memory and wisdom
Those scars I’ll bear
BEGIN
A rush of emotion today. I first became a mom almost 28 years ago-
I made one of the best and hardest decisions of my life. That child has grown to a fine man, and I am forever grateful to the Mom I chose for him, she is the template I strive to emulate.
13 years ago, the little bean in my belly was months away from being born, and today my gratitude for the beautiful soul that chose me only grows. There’s been challenges, mistakes, adventures, laughter and frustrations but all of it with love.
36 years ago, the two women who raised me, were lost to me. My Mom and my Nan went to summerland when I was 12, but I can still recall smells, touches, snippets of wisdom and silliness ( although the true sound of the voices are but phantoms). My Nan’s wisdom and curiosity reside in my heart and soul. My Mom’s love and humour I imagine are woven into my life’s armour.
There have been women in my life who have mothered me gently, who have mothered me firmly and offered their wisdom, guidance and love. I hold much gratitude for all of them.
Today is a mix of joy and grief. The intensity of love. ❤️
“But what is grief if not love persevering?” – Vision
We are born of love. Love is our Mother – Rumi
The night before.
I have so much in my head.
I’m sitting thinking of what this night may have been like for my mom.
I’m thinking about how she never got to see this number for herself.
I’m thinking about how I’m not sure I’ve done enough with this gift of time.
I’m thinking about who I want to be
I’m thinking about who I am
I’m thinking about the things that have broken my heart.
I’m thinking about the things that have bandaged my heart.
I’m thinking about what kind of cake there might be tomorrow.
Happy Birth Day 💜
Take a breath
I know your fear
If the tears start
They won’t stop
The choice becomes
Do you drown from the inside
Or from the outside
It’s ok.
Vulnerability is hard, but I don’t judge you for it.
I don’t judge you for not knowing. For finding it so difficult.
Your tears don’t frighten me.
Your fears don’t frighten me.
I see your overwhelmed humanness
I never had any other expectations- you had already placed so many upon yourself.
I can not fix it for you. But I will be here while you try. A hand to hold, a shoulder to lean, an ear to listen and a heart full of compassion to rest in.
The walls you built to hold you up imprison you with your demons. You have made it hard to reach you, the noise so deafening you can not hear. The frustration of self so loud you think the sound is outside your head and coming from my lips.
If you looked in my eyes, the reflection of you that you would see is one of gentleness, kindness, love
Not the unworthy monster you believe is lurking.
Yet- you think I must lie. How can I see your strength, your beauty, your worth? You demonstrated it over and over to those around, but forgotten to save a bit of light for yourself.
The light you gave me to hold once, when my own battle became so dark I could not see, is a treasure I wish to return to you, to light your way. But you can not see enough to take it.
My heart aches watching you battle. Seeing your wounds erupt from within. I can not love you enough to fill the holes you keep tearing. How can you believe your grace is poison?
How can you believe you are not loved?
I ask the Gods to help you, to hear you, to guide you through. I’ll always be here, when you release yourself from the dark.
Torture to see pain and fear in your child’s eyes
How do we explain the world? The lack of empathy. The constant fear drum being beat relentlessly.
Wanting to say everything will be alright, feeling the words dry up on your tongue because you don’t know. Never make promises you can’t keep.
Her heart is heavy. Mine is breaking.
I hold her, wipe away the tears, fighting back my own.
Hope, hope, find it, enough to share. I can not bare one more thing.
Until I have to.
Tell her ‘bout the wheel, how it will turn. It won’t stay like this forever. It can’t.
A piece of childhood shattered. Another bit lost.
I must be her port. Hold steady despite my fear.
Standing Still at the Speed of Light 