Tag: dark thoughts

Inside war

This morning, I allowed my self to feel some of the anger that’s been bubbling. I looked deep into where inside this is sitting. I am so angry and disgusted with myself. As most of you know, simultaneously my knee and my shoulder have been failing me.
Three years ago I was building a strong body, I had found some relative freedom from my mental monsters. Through life circumstances and a couple of freak falls the physical and mental took a few hits.
The pain is constant, and some times workable. But has chipped away at my physicality.
Yesterday walking was nauseatingly painful. This morning, while I was achey I thought it might be workable. So I tried to stretch, a bit of yoga and a few other things to get moving. The knee and shoulder screamed all the while.
I crumpled to child’s pose and wept. I am so angry that I can not do what I could before. I am so frustrated I have all but lost the gains I had worked so hard for. I am so disappointed I gave into some old patterns. I am broken hearted that I feel so little compassion for myself.

I want to keep trying. I have to keep trying. There are a few things that I have kept with. There are a few things that keep me going. I can do my day to day. But these things were not done for self compassion, these were done for functioning, so I can work, so I can do the day to day. But not done of love of self. This makes me saddest of all.

I see this in others, I offer compassion and uncompromising care for them. Trying to let them know/feel that they deserve better. I have gallons of outward empathy. Yet inward is empty.

What is it that makes us feel unworthy? Being unseen for the beautiful creatures we are? Being told we are too much or not enough? Being discounted? Being shunned when we offer love and compassion to others- setting the seeds that even our best is met with disdain so me must be grotesque.

I am allowing the pain in today. In my body, in my heart, I will not dull with medication so I can ignore it. I will accept it as a part of me, for now. I will try ever so hard to find the compassion for myself that it’s ok to feel what I’m feeling. I will accept my disappointment. I will sit with this. I will try to love self despite these perceived failings, I will try to love these broken pieces too.

This world is hard. We all carry so much. Be kind. Be loving. To all. But most of all to SELF.
❤️

Muted

It felt like a sigh

But really it was a deflation

To be heard, felt, understood.

This is where heaven lies.

But words had failed

The barbs she tried to pull from her soul

To show, to show what it felt like in her head

Somehow became seen as weapons

Her ugliness rebuked, disdain, failure

Then came the sigh

Wrap the ugliness in the deflated self

A costume again applied

To be accepted to the proper place again

A Prayer for Chronic Illness

Now I lay me down to sleep

I pray the pain is low and meek

If it rises before I wake

I pray for the right meds to take

Now I lay me down to sleep

It’s quiet here, so I can weep

The smile I wore all day was fake

It’s almost more than I can take

Now I lay me down to sleep

I pray for rest, for I feel weak

Let the monsters be still, until I wake

So to the next morning I will make.

Emerging

There comes a moment 

when you are struggling against the dark tide

The noise ceases

It is no longer oppressive, 

But weightless

Fear is lifted

Shame liquifies, evaporates

And the knowledge comes

With that

perhaps peace

Perhaps hope 

returns trust

Sovereignty of self

Faith

The pain still present

The frustration still palatable

Calmly acknowledged, accepted

No more struggle, release

The tide gently carries toward the soft first light

There comes a moment

Light on the Other Side

It can not be all tragedy, twitches and triggers.

This shadow work has also begun to highlight pieces of me that are beautiful, spiritual, mysterious, loving and strong.

My capacity to love is deep. I recognize wounds in others, I can see the best in most.

I want to be of service, I want to give a hand up or a soft place where I can.

I am creative, insightful and have a bawdy sense of humour.

I have an easy smile, and a big heart. I am inquisitive, I am intelligent. I am sensitive. I try to not pass judgment but to be understanding. I feel contentment just as deeply as I feel pain,

I am gentle. I am ferociously loyal. I love to laugh. 

I can feel the magic that surrounds me and moves through my senses.

I feel the elements, I have known peace.

I appreciate others, their talents, their stories.

It may take time, but I am resilient.

I am tenacious.  

I am sensitive. I cry, for joy, for sorrow, for pain, not just mine, but for all those I connect with.

These things too, were born in me, at the times the monsters were created. These things too were fostered in the same environment.

Sometimes the monsters win and I forget. 

But sometimes they don’t, and I remember, I am love, I am kindness. I can stand firm as a badass warrior. The battle scars earned, as are the moments of grace.

I will not be defined by my traumas and my mental health issues. I will be defined by how I live despite them. 

This mantra I repeat to myself often. This is why I share my story. Not for pity. Not for sympathy. Not for adulation.

But to connect. To inspire compassion, kindness and healing. To help someone find the words, as others have helped me (music can be my saviour), to soothe a damaged heart.

No, it is not all monsters and dark, it’s a wild mix of colour and light too. And I am so grateful for that.