Tag: anxiety sucks

My Steady

Inspired by my encounter with the old man at the train I was called to visit another Old Man on my way home.

Although my to do pile threatens to topple at any moment I had to take the time to come and see my steadfast friend.

He listens with out judgment. He does not tell me I’m dramatic. He lets me lean in, and does not shift away. He has seen my true broken self, heard my anguished cries, my whispers of joy, my tenuous hope and still welcomes me to the quiet safe haven.

I am sinking. I am in pain. I am overwhelmed. I am overwrought. I have failed at so much.

My words feel lost. I feel ungrateful. I feel selfish. I feel invisible. I feel exhausted. I weep at his feet. I try to slow my breath to match his ancient rhythm. I try hard to hear his message from the Gods.

For a moment there is stillness. For a moment the monsters stop talking. For a moment…….

As I take my leave, I let the late summer sun dry my tears. I give thanks for the gift he has been in my life. Off to do battle once more.

Dawn

Dawn is coming later and later now. The cool chill of the navy and grey are what I am met with on my way in the morning. The first hint of light reaching up. At first the darkness still seems oppressive, to push back the coming light. But the golds and oranges gain power as they cut through and begin to illuminate the horizon.

This is symbolic of the ‘always tomorrow’. The light will come, the dark will recede to corners and cliffs.

AKF

Writers Block

I’ve been trying to write for weeks.

It is something that sustains me, it is something that heals me and when I don’t feel heard it as a way to make my voice amplified, to connect and not feel so stuck in my head.

There’s been points in my life where I stepped away from it, much to my detriment.

A few years back, with a renewed energy the stories began to pour out, I committed to working on the shadow side of myself, and from there a few narratives were born. There was some collaboration, tidal wave of inspiration and such trust that the stories and essays would flow.

While this particular bout of writer’s block feels like it came on just after the start of the pandemic, truly, when I look back, it has been a slow death since last fall.

First the fiction. There was the death of two cherished characters. They showed such promise and longevity, and were exhilarating to write.

But unfortunately that once promised epic story has became representative of what has become a bittersweet and painful period for me. In a tortuous narrative, (as devastating as I felt) they met their end. Silenced, stopped in mid journey. In the ether they now languish.

Though I did find the courage just before shut down to submit a short version to a few publications.

There has been a fair amount of interest in what may have come next and some suggestions for editing. The real possibilities to see it in print.

But now I am frozen. I can not bring myself to open the file, to polish it up and let it move forward. I did not anticipate how raw I still feel about all that was lost at that time, including the grief about the two leads. How much I miss them. How much they still have to say.

I’ve been able to hiccup some poems and the odd paragraph out, but even the ability to write essays has withered.

Those are my best connection to navigate the world around me and my mental health. But it has been near impossible to write anything I feel confident with.

I want to add hope, insight and support to the people that read my stuff. But all I can muster is despondent rage, and no adequate words to explain.

Life as we knew it has always had its hardships. But this global clusterfuck has added a layer of grimy soot that has not left anyone untouched.

I wait… wait for the words to come. I hope that there are characters choose to speak. I hope the characters ( myself) I laid waste to may someday forgive me. I wait for wisdom, knowledge and hope to share. I wait for the insight to be able to move through, over, under or around this block that feels insurmountable.

I wait….

Downturn in Covid-Upturn in Human Rights and The Mental Monster Dance

I woke up at 2 am feeling sick, dizzy and weepy. The monsters are loud today. 

It’s been a couple of weeks since my anxiety had gotten the better of me. And for that I’m proud that I have been keeping it at bay. Given what’s going on globally, personally and adding the extra fun of a full moon and eclipse just to rev things up, it hasn’t been easy to keep my own monsters quiet. 

I had stepped outside of my own head in some ways in this last while. But I have had to look at my own self and the system I was born into. I have wept for the dead and the oppressed. 
I have equally wept and been enraged by the system I live in. A system that does not really protect women, but I’m still steps ahead on that being white and not a POC. I am enraged at knowing having mental health issues have also put me in a place to be judged and vulnerable, but I’m still steps ahead because I am white and not a POC. 

I know I am still privileged. I have spent this last while trying to learn. Learn the permissive history that allows this. Not the stuff we’ve been taught ( the bullshit written by the oppressors), but the stories and history of the real people that have all been but buried deep. I have been reading, watching and asking questions so I can put my voice and my privilege to better use. 

I have taken for granted that my fight for mental health, my fight for feminism, my allyship with LGBTQ was enough, I was woke.

I have now been schooled, that while these are very valid, very needed battles, but I have been over looking the very real need for inclusion and visibility for POC in these causes as well. That my voice could not just represent my point of view of feeling oppressed within these channels ( it feels wrong to even say that atm), I now need to champion, and pull forward with me the POC fighting for survival every day with these same issues, only compounded and very oppressed due to the colour of their skin. I have committed in my heart to keep learning, listening and doing what I can, from where I am. 

But today my battle is mine. There are still very hard moments of my own self journey that easily defeat me. I woke, not only with the big physical symptoms of a major ‘mental monster take down’ but a random list on screaming repeat in my head. 

  • why are you trying to help the world at large when you still have so much mess of your own? 
  • You are not enough to do anything helpful
  • Why do you keep letting the same things in to eat at you? 
  • You get played so easily, and you are stupid for believing in the good of people. 
  • You don’t mean nearly as much to those around you as you think. 
  • I’m told I have a great ability to read people and see who they really are meant to be. I want to trust that. I know I see that. Yet I am left with confusion about why some things are the way they are, and if I really have that ability or I’m just foolish in empathy and forgiveness? 
  • I am fearful, I have asked some questions that there have been no answers to, or confusing signs ( I see those often too, but am now prone to second guessing).
  • Needing answers – so I can quit having the possible false narratives rolling around my head and be able to cleanly heal, move forward and get what I need. 
  • I need my emotional and rational brain to work together, when it comes to my own matters.
  • I have to stop needing to believe I should matter to all those who, at some point mattered so much to me, needing to be validated that I gave something good, that distance isn’t always my fault, that I am not hated or disrespected. That I am not the monster I have been made to feel I am.
  • I need to remember even though the defeating silence and invisibility I feel rip at me, there is someone, somewhere who hears and sees, and it matters, I just might not know it. 
  • That my discomfort in some situations does not mean enough to be eased by the people around and I should take it for the warning it is…. this is the hardest. For the acceptance of this will change some fundamental things in my life, some connections and events I viewed very differently than what they are really appearing to be. This will change how and why I connect with people. This will take work to not let it make me bitter while I work through living grief and disappointment. 

Today my battle is within. Today I must reestablish the team I need ( now that Covid is easing) to willingly and supportively help me move mentally, emotionally and physically forward. Today I need myself more than others need me. When I can muster getting myself off the floor, dry my eyes, and straightening my crown, I will once again raise my voice, not only for me, but for those that need it more. AKF 💜

Tired Thoughts

Vulnerability is to be strong. So I have read. We all have the desire to be loved, encouraged and accepted for who we are.

There was so much more I was going to write. And part way through, I realized it is pointless.

Wether I am kind or cutting. Giving or closed off. It will never be correct as people put their own meaning on the things others do. We will always be the bad guy or the weak jerk in someone’s story, no matter the intent.

It’s easy to let that removed judgement defeat us. Turn us cold, label people as toxic, cruel – hold on to anger, hurt.
To stop trying, loving, understanding, trusting, accepting, respecting, connecting……. we do not allow vulnerability, where true healing is found.
We turn this on ourselves, to reinforce kindness comes with payment, we are unworthy of love and acceptance, we are unworthy of working towards better.
And so the cycle goes.

Whether I am a good character or bad character in the story you tell yourself- I can not change this. But I am learning to accept I am a whole character trying hard to hang on in a world that makes it very hard to be vulnerable, content, kind and forgiving.

❤️

Pieces

Her voice came out in pieces.

Important words lost to silence 

Her meaning distorted by perception 

Her voice came out in pieces 

Soft words of understanding devoured 

Her own requests spat out like gristle 

Her voice came out in pieces 

The songs others wanted to hear 

Pulled from the fragments 

Her voice came out in pieces 

Although she thought she spoke well 

She came to understand it was in a language no one knew 

Her voice stayed whole inside her

TFTFL- Isolation and My Monsters

For most of my life, my anxiety issues, at their very worst, have lead me to feeling isolated. Trapped inside my own head. It is a lonely, loud place, it can be very dark. 

In my mid twenties for a time, I became agoraphobic, I was able to go from work to home, and that was all. Anywhere else was like torture, vertigo, nausea, my ears would ring and it took a lot of control not to cry. I had every excuse in the book to find ways to stay home. 

During that time I also became anxious and fearful of using the phone. 

I learned then, that having few trusted people in close in physical proximity was very helpful to me amongst other things.

It took the better part of two years before my anxiety about being in the outside world eased gradually. It took until this past winter (20+ years) for me to use the phone and not feel severely ill. It was a goal I had set for myself this past fall. Another goal I had set was to conquer a different social anxiety that had set in in the last couple of years. More recently, symptoms of social anxiety had again begun to show. This time it has manifested in getting together with people I know. We used to be known for our gatherings, meals and parties, but that came to crashing halt after my 45th birthday.  There are a series of pin point triggers that I have identified, but have not yet been able to get past with much success. But I was determined. I was going to try to host a Spring Equinox dinner, or at least celebrate my birthday this year. Then Covid took over the world.

We are now asked to isolate. We are encouraged to keep in contact at a distance. We are being asked to save physical lives by limiting physical contact. There has been some discussion of how this will affect mental health. But this will be a cost for so many tallied well into the future.

I have learned that a good portion of my emotional and mental health wellbeing is contingent on physical contact and conversation. I also invest heavily into my job and life to be of service. Currently this has become somewhat impossible. 

I am trying to be adaptable. I am trying to reach out, I am trying to be open and understanding. I am trying to be hopeful. I am trying to create what I can for myself and others. I am trying to be gracious for all the kindness and connection I have received. I am trying to stay a float. I am trying to use my awareness of mental health to be proactive, helpful and supportive.

The fatigue with this is not just my own. I know the people around me are feeling it too. Not only the ones with existing mental health issues, but those that until now, have never experienced mental health problems. I know that we all respond differently to these difficulties. Some close in and down, some reach out and try to be proactive. 

My own anxiety has me fighting myself not to take lack of communication personally. Has me fighting myself that reaching out does not make me annoying or overly needy. Yet… I have hit reoccurring patterns. I have come up against my own expectations of what I am willing to do for others, but do not feel is being invested back. I am up against wondering why I matter less to some than others. Has me second guessing my energy investments. Things I believe I had made peace with and moved past. It has me giving in to letting the physical pain I feel exacerbate the fog and pain in my head. I can feel the fog, the heightened drama, the things the monsters believe are unforgivable pieces of me. I am fighting. I am winning slightly more than I am losing this week. But the battles are getting bigger.

This is not the time. This is not the time to be taken down from the inside. This is not the time to give in to the paranoia. This is not the time to give up asking for what I need. This is not the time to recede from what I can give to those who need more than I do regardless of their ability to create reciprocal support. This is not the time.

I am trying to be gentle with others, myself and the world as we navigate the now and what is to come next. I am frightened. I am tired. I am sad. 

In moments I also can feel hopeful, calm, engaged in helping.

All I can say- keep an eye on yourself, and on those around you. We need each other more than ever. We need kindness, forgiveness and compassion. If you need contact, tell someone. It is easy to let people slip away. It is easy to fall into moments of scarcity and self preservation. But that is not the lesson here.

Hold space, love and kindness. Check in, check often. Share love, kind word, even a hello. It doesn’t have to be big or time consuming, but it can make the difference to how we survive this.

Thanks for reading.

Tales From the Front Line- Looking at the Map

I have been focused on my childhood and some of the events that I believe may have shaped some of my monsters. But our formation does not stop there. We do continue to evolve and be shaped by our environment, no matter the age. 

I have had some profound relationships throughout my life, that have altered, and in some cases righted, the course I have taken. (I imagine, there will be more to come). Not all of them lovers or romantic, but each of them deeply intimate, and all of them occupy a place in my heart and soul.  Each relationship at times has had a role (or many) in reenforcing my patterns (good and bad), protecting me, and destroying me in various ways. All have led me to this path of awareness, dismantling and healing that I am currently traveling.

I have been taking the time to examine these profound relationships that came later, when I was past my childhood, into young adulthood and beyond. I have been looking for patterns and reflections in order to try to learn what I can so I can grow.

I believe that the depth to which I have been affected/connected to most of these people originates in the Ether. These are all people I feel like I’ve known forever, even when I haven’t. These are all people who move freely around me, sometimes in close, sometimes far away. All occupying their own orbits. Like we are on stretchy bands. It’s funny I get twitchy when the orbits change, even though I should know better. Even though I can ‘see’ better.

I have, as is my curious nature, (and as my belief structure allows) wanted to understand the energetic (Karmic) connection. 

As some of these relationships are puzzling to me, the appearance, connection, relevance, intensity and timing. Not everything means something, but when you start to see an overall pattern, there is something to be learned.

Sometimes I use Tarot or Oracle cards to help me gain some perspective or understanding. Due to the nature of my monsters I am prone to analyze conversations, actions, inactions, silences…etc…. Sometimes it is very helpful, as long as I can maintain a somewhat neutral observation stance. It gets dangerous if the anxiety paranoia monsters get in on it. It’s a crap shoot sometimes. But when it’s good, it helps me be accountable for my actions, it helps me understand the people around me, be empathetic in a healthy way. When it’s not I can be clingy, dramatic and need constant reassurance, moody and manipulative.

The relationships I have chosen so far to examine were ones that have shown up at watershed moments in my life.

Each of these relationships have taught me so much on spiritual, emotional and resilience levels, that I have only begun to understand some of these lessons. The gratitude for this is emerging, as am I, to celebrate the help, support and joy I have experienced, as well the pain, betrayal, grief and fear in some of these connections. 

One of the biggest, most epic journeys is the first one up. This one saw me from a young teen, to a young woman, into the age I am now. It has taught me more about forgiveness, peace and strength over the years than I ever thought possible.

Next Up: TFTFL: Two Drowning Kids Cling To Each Other 

Emerging

There comes a moment 

when you are struggling against the dark tide

The noise ceases

It is no longer oppressive, 

But weightless

Fear is lifted

Shame liquifies, evaporates

And the knowledge comes

With that

perhaps peace

Perhaps hope 

returns trust

Sovereignty of self

Faith

The pain still present

The frustration still palatable

Calmly acknowledged, accepted

No more struggle, release

The tide gently carries toward the soft first light

There comes a moment