Motherless Grief and Wound Healing

Today would have been your 81st birthday. 37 years since you were on this side of the veil. In years past I often would feel a sadness or longing on this day.

But this year feels different. There has been much mental health and trauma work done this year. Uncovering some wounds that had scarred over, the scars had created a choking trap, I’ve finally found the courage to start undoing, breaking patterns, healing.

This year feels different. Longing and sadness are marred by hurt and frustration. I still miss you, I will always love you and I’m trying to find some compassion and grace for the choices you made. The choices that had consequences for so many.

A moment of quiet, a breath, remembrance, questioning and love. Happy Birthday Mom.

Exhausted Disappointment

I could rant here- point the finger at Jason Kenney, Tyler Shandro- Covid deniers, personal freedom without responsibility twats, science deniers, the media at large, Adriana LaGrange, those determined to make human life politic, but I am tired and really deeply sad- the best word I can think of is…….

Defeated, that is the only word that is coming to mind right now. For so many reasons I feel almost hopeless. The last straw today was having to cancel an event (again), but it’s bigger than that.

There are people I love making decisions I don’t understand. Basic human care and well being has been politicized. We are are becoming a more entitled callous hateful species, than I ever wanted to believe was possible.There is a disconnect between understanding the differences between rights, choices, freedoms, responsibilities and basic science. The distrust sewn by the grotesque rhetoric spewed by politicians has permeated every facet of life. People are exhausted, angry and frightened. I am angry, I am so very sad and I am at the point where this constant distance and exposure to the vitriol out in the world is reenforcing the very thing I am working real hard to battle. I could post another rant, but what good does that do? I can’t make people care about anyone else. I can’t battle with misinformation and manipulated facts. I can add my angry voice to the countless others wondering what the fuck is wrong with people, why people are not being rational, kind or compassionate. Why we are a society of ‘if it doesn’t directly affect me I won’t give a fuck.’ But today I don’t have the energy.

I’ve done my best to speak up, support those that are in a more vulnerable position than I. I have done my best to check in on, lend an ear, provide a space, try to remind that I care and encourage hope. And what has it gotten me? Friends too exhausted, anxious or distracted to respond. Financial instability. Can’t turn on any media with out a barrage of opinions (rarely based in fact, but bloated noise fanning the fractures). And me trying so hard to work on pre-exisiting issues, build hope, protect my family and try to find the village I have been seeking out, in what feels forever.
Something I have been planning to help my own mental health is getting cancelled yet again.

Here’s what gets me:
Just over 3 years ago, events conspired in my life that triggered crippling social anxiety- I once loved to entertain and for many reasons I lost that. But I have been working really hard to come back from that. It used to be a very important part of my life. So I had an idea for an outdoor party- invite people that I have missed for a long time, bring my little community of people I care for together and try to begin again. The Covid numbers were reasonable low, it is summer and it just might be a turning point.
There was scepticism when our current government decided that Covid was over and we should throw caution to the wind, but there was a window of time that i might be able to reconnect.

I really wanted to support a friend of mine in her singing career, I adore her songs/stories and her passion and talent. I thought how wonderful if I can include this in my journey. And everyone I know likes live music. (You can find her wonderful talent in and around Calgary, on youtube and I believe Patreon. Sonia Deleo is her name, for those I invited, I am sorry I could not personally introduce her- check her out anyway!) It took me a long time to put it together, I was so nervous to invite people, to bring everyone together. People seemed receptive. I felt I could step into this risk. Some of the people I initially invited couldn’t come, I had to work at that a little not to perceive that as personal (this is such a mental battle for me), but it was coming together.

Then the fires and smoke. It made it impossible to be outside. So we postponed. Just by a few weeks. But this would take more mental work for me, but maybe it meant that this time all the people I had wanted to come could make it.

So here we are a couple of days away…… I put out a reminder earlier this week. I really didn’t hear back from anyone, not really with a yay or nay. But I had a bad feeling once again, I had been working hard to get myself to a place where I could just be excited about the prospect of having friends together, and it turns out again it is all for naught. Thanks to the grotesque mismanagement by the government we are in a crisis they are ignoring, the numbers are high for infections and hospitals are almost at critical mass. It is now targeting children (who were not eligible to be vaccinated) and even though the vaccinated get a much milder case, we still become sick and carriers. The right decision is to cancel again. All the mental work to conquer this hill is for nothing. A lost gig for my friend. Lost opportunities to reestablish connections. A lost moment to repair some fractures caused by my mental monsters. A great opportunity for some laughter and fun and a small amount of ‘normalcy’ to be experienced.

I am angry, sad and disconnected. I don’t expect this to matter much to some of you. I imagine some of you could twist this to fit your narrative. I know many people I would turn to for support have very little left for themselves, because they too are overwhelmed, frustrated and disappointed at humanity. mI recognize that there are far more devastating things happening, there is loss of life, but this was important to me. This was part of my mental health survival.

Anger and Shame and an Anxious Brain

Guided Shadow work has brought me to a place of reckoning. I am trying now to reconcile things within myself that were once survival mechanisms. Some I believed to be positive traits others are chains around me.

To survive as a child I needed to be helpful, good and quiet. I needed to read the people around me to anticipate their needs so it stayed safe and I would be welcome.

I learned that I could belong if I was kind, helpful and did what I could to aid others.

As I grew I really bought into the idea of ‘be what you seek.’ Bought in so deeply that it is now a reflex.

I do not want this to come across as a complaint necessarily, it is a twisted mess at the moment, of roses and shit, as all gardens are.

I am an empath, I believe I would have been no matter my upbringing. Perhaps if things had been different I would have had better boundaries, better ways of guarding my energy, heart and spirit. But I had the upbringing I did. I was the youngest in a troubled family. I was easily lost or ignored, considered a blight. There was trauma (stories for another time), and there was some very normal childhood things.

I learned early on how to be a pleaser. If I did as my brother asked, he wouldn’t beat me up. If I did as my father asked maybe he wouldn’t drink and we could breath. If I did as my mother asked, maybe her pain would lessen.

I did not ask for much, although others in my family and their remembrances will tell you that I was a spoiled child who had everything.

My voice was encouraged by mentors in middle school- there were teachers who saw me, heard me through the words I wrote back then. The people who “loved me most’ weren’t interested. This has become a theme I have allowed through out my life.

I am not saying I do not have people around me who care and love me. I do.

But I have set up some ineffective communication.

I easily give up or make small, things that interest me to not upset the boat or make anyone uncomfortable.

I have a hard time with anger, I think long and hard about the why and my response, I want to be articulate about the issue and not fight dirty. To the point I will make up the other person’s reasoning about their part in things. Or I will throw myself on the proverbial sword and take the blame for everything.

I will forgive easily and more often than I should, especially to those who may have thrown me a moment of kindness, or momentarily seen something important to me, but then comes much more coolness and shade. So I work harder.

I had always believed that if I showed enough compassion, love, interest and support to those around me, that I would receive the same. This is not so.

The amusing part is that my professional life is also set up to be of service, offering solace, space, insight and care. And it works well, I feel fulfilled and successful here.

It is in, what I hoped was my tightest safety net, where I feel tired, depleted, sad and fearful.

In initially trying to teach myself new communication boundaries and skills, I have been told I am too much, too different, too needy, too opinionated and ‘why so many new things?”

After an initial rush of this new found moment of power, I shrank, I gave up so much of myself that I had just discovered.

Trying to find a voice to be firm has been one of the hardest things I have ever tried to do. To try to let it be known that there are things that have deeply wounded me is a place I dipped a toe into only to be cut off with cold silence. Reenforcing that worthlessness I felt when I was a child and was ignored or cast aside.

Am I a victim?

Only of myself, my expectations and my survival mechanisms.

I had always figured (as do most of us) that everyone else’s brain works like mine. That most people think of how their actions affect others before they act. That most people want to care for and see the best for those around them and be there to help. That people will put in the effort without being asked. That people would benefit from a collective (we all talk so much about finding our ‘tribe’, ‘village’ and ‘coven’), a place to feel safe, seen and be encouraged to grow.

I want(ed) this so much. I had put blinders on to the people themselves. I led with my heart. I thought that new adventures, learning and energy was coming. I thought I’d found my spiritual kin. I thought I had a foundation from which to spring. I thought/hoped that I could be enough to make it all fit because I craved it to be so.

I want to say that the disconnect was swift and unexpected. But in looking back, it was an illusion from the beginning. It wasn’t the party only crowd of my younger years. I believed that a mature, magical, creative community was going to come together. The kids would hang out- the adults could share and prepare meals together, lend a hand to whom ever needs it. Gently challenge each other to grow and learn. Times filled with laughter and conversation. But these are real people not characters that I write. The dream I had was never solid, it was after all a dream.

There was a short time with a mix of old and new that was of shared creative, shared meals, shared laughs, and for such a brief time I felt safe to share pieces of myself to people in the flesh, not the quasi anonymous internet or page. I say quasi anonymous because there are very few who intimately know me that will read this. Then came the shame.

Some did not like others, no matter how much I tried to show similarities, ways to connect and reassurance that all had a place. Some did not want to put in the effort. Some did not understand the place I come from, I had surpassed a point in my life I never thought I would get to and wanted to celebrate and bloom! My intentions were misread, misunderstood and found to be intense.

I did not know how to temper my joy, desire and excitement. Not since my days in theatre had I felt so inspired in a group of people.

I feel shame that people are angry with me. I feel shame that others begun to see me as an intrusive monster. I feel shame that I was so easy to walk away from. I feel shame that I withdrew my interests and creativity from my focus. I feel shame now, that I am the only one who misses what was, could have been. At least the only one who has expressed it. I feel shame that I believed this could have been a reality. I feel shame that no one seems to think it matters that I am hurting and grieving these things I believed could be. I feel shame that I believed I held high importance as myself and worthy of understanding and patience. I feel shame I can’t articulate my anger. I feel shame that I have anger. I feel shame my anger only gets turned on myself. I feel shame I don’t trust that I am worthy and forgivable for having human strong emotions. I feel shame that I seem ungrateful for the support I get, because there is some, and it is beautiful, but the imbalance within leads me to focus on the imbalance outside. I feel shame that I worry that being angry will drive people away. I feel shame that I am lonely anyway because I am not being true to me. I feel shame that I worry about this so much.

No toxic positivity here. This shit is dark. This shit is painful. This shit needs to be spoken. This shit is not to be pitied, but worked through, embraced and accepted .

Covid Rage

Here it is folks- This day’s contemplation rant, RAGE.

I am tired. I have been trying for quite a while now to find the right words, to express myself about what is happening in my life, my community, my province, my country, my world.

Humanity does not seem to be winning. I see so much fear, misinformation and emotional hostage taking, Random arguments picked. Desperation to get back to what was, with out considering the cost. Resistance to what could be, because it seems unclear.

The din of voices drowning out common sense and decency. We are a bunch of selfish toddlers in this society.

So, from my cosy little corner on the couch, with coffee in hand, well aware of the world’s ills and that everyone is entitled to their own opinion, I shall say this with much frustrated love-

SHUT THE FUCK UP.

Just for a minute.

Everyone take a collective breath.

Here it is as I see it (make no bones, I KNOW in so many ways I am privileged, but there is much of my life that has not been.) So here goes.

You- yeah you over there thinking your ‘rights’ are being taken away by being told to stay home, wear a mask and practice social distancing, putting off some vanity haircut, tanning whatever. Where the hell is your social consciousness?! Are you so selfish that you can not look beyond your own wants- make no mistake that is what they are, wants, not needs. Just because it might not be someone in your immediate circle affected does not mean it won’t eventually affect you- perhaps you aren’t invincible, you can get sick too. And to clarify, WE ALL have to right to be SAFE, not the ‘right’ for a dye job…… stop letting your privilege show.

And you over there- whining that we are being too cautious because the numbers in Canada have stayed relatively low- HOW else do you think that happened? Your logic makes as much sense as putting a helmet on immediately after falling off your bike and dripping your brains on the sidewalk.

All the rally cries of all the things that kill more people a year- we know- but your comparisons are faulty, for most of your arguments about diseases, there are treatments (not perfect) available to help or those numbers would be much higher. For the comparisons about mental health, addiction, suicide and domestic violence, this current state of the world is going to elevate those numbers astronomically- this will be the third deadly wave of the pandemic. SO rather than wringing your hands what are we going to do? How are you going to be proactive, so the numbers don’t get any higher. By the way, as of this writing over 320,000 people have died from this single virus )

Now, let’s move past us average folks, who by and large are really doing the best we can with what we have. Most of our anger, fear and frustration comes from what we are being shown and told by the powers that are in charge. The bullshit some of you are willing to buy into. Look what it’s turning you into, turning you blind to…….This is where my real vitriol is.

There are many I could call out by name, not just the few I am willing to, but these are just the examples of what horrifies me most about the world I am raising my daughter in.

Hey, Jeff Bezos, Richard Branson, Kevin O’Leary, Brett Wilson, and all of you with more money that you actually need. Put your money where your mouth is.

You want congrats Jeff for providing your staff T-shirts that say Frontline hero’s ? Fuck you- pay them living wages, proper benefits.

Hey Brett, how would your Grandparents or Mom feel about knowing you think their lives are expendable? Proud they raised such an upstanding man?

Same for you Richard, you could help out the poorest of the poor, and it would not even cause a major hiccup in your bank account.

And Kevin, your politic of putting money before the well being of the average person is disgusting.

But hey, if the politicians are going to allow it and play ball in your arena then it must be ok. Right?!

You tell them the only way to get our economy going is to listen to you because ‘look what we’ve built’- beats chest mightily in the process…. On who’s backs? The people you won’t take care of, but will willingly sacrifice to illness and death, which is more likely due to socioeconomic standing than luck.

And all you ‘self made millionaires’,

1: You weren’t self made, there were many who helped you, who you used and stepped on on your way to the bloat.

2: No more bullshit that this system can be accessed by anyone, it’s not, it never has been, it’s rigged in favour of white males. The few not from that particular ilk who have busted through the ranks are mostly the ones doing the quiet helpful work now.

3: Really not your fault that you have been sheltered by a corrupt political system, you’re just using what’s there. Kinda like bloated ticks on a poor hound.

The banks too- It is so tempting at this point to want to scratch my eyes out if I see one more ‘we are here to help you in these uncertain times’ commercial. NO YOU ARE NOT. Smoke and mirrors, you will not sacrifice profit, bonuses or payouts to your investors to help me with my business or home, I’d have to already be rich for you to approve me.

My real dislike is for some very specific Politicians willing to continually gut the system, especially now, during this very uncertain time.

Your constituents need help- Yes Jason Kenney, this one is personal. Even before the pandemic hit you were systematically wanting to emulate your hero trump.

Your priority should have been helping our Indigenous Peoples access clean water, better education/social programs and cultural education- nope, let’s focus on an out of date industry.

Your priority should have been education, helping make it affordable for all, instilling diversified programs to build up multiple industries in our province- nope. Let’s cut funding for all schools- starting with primary, classes of 30-50 are fine, we will standardize, no one needs critical thinking skills anyway (that might lead to questions). Teachers don’t need more resources, kids don’t need programs to help them navigate social or mental health issues. Special programs aren’t needed to help educate- they may not come out with much but what does it matter no one fails anyway because we don’t have the room.

Oh and those whiny post secondary- you can always (not) get a loan, except we will change those rules, so you better have top grades or you are not worthy. You also better be in an urban centre because you are not worthy of access other wise. Better cut funding to the schools to, for your (imaginary) war room- you know the real important stuff. No arts are needed, they can do with out. But really, since most of us have been home what have we relied on for unity/sanity- THE ARTS.

You hand big O&G companies vast sums of money, without assurances that it would really benefit Albertans, so many up and moved their offices after that. Great plan.

Healthcare- well come on, private is the way to go. Why make a fair access system in the Government, you and your friends can’t make money off of that (yes Shandro I am looking at you).

There are so many other things, taking away access to mostly women’s health procedures, slowly chipping away at rights LGBTQ have fought hard and so richly deserve, I could go on.

And I will- even during this crisis you continue with this bullshit- your southern idol picks a fight with China, you follow suit, you challenge our own national government for money- but mostly for O&G, you wait to see what they are going to give the masses during the pandemic before you decide what you ‘have to do’ for them. Still picking fights with our much needed doctors, so many still planing to leave when the worst of this pandemic subsides, because of you and Shandro.

You throw our own chief medical officer under the bus more than once, and then like a school yard bully, when things show signs of getting better because we follow her advice, decide you now have to give the ‘good’ news so you can look like a good guy.

You need the economy to get started (as do we all) you announce opening dates and no effing plan, so then you have to walk back on some of it. You say you want a fair equity deal from Ottawa- not for the people just for O&G. You outrightly insult any other industry that may have had a thought to come here to build (your insult to green energy was infantile). I am not against O&G but it must update and diversify if it is to not sink in the tar pits like the dinosaur it is.

I see much about how all this money used to help us now has to come from somewhere (it did, those are the taxes we pay), and we are not dumb, you will want to claw every bit back- but ask yourself, if you weren’t wasting so much chasing your dream and stroking your privileged buddies, wouldn’t there have been more of OUR money to use for us?

You refuse to help renters (commercial and home) with protections because they can’t pay- Leads me to wonder how many buildings you own. You own pathetic privilege is showing. You congratulate the citizens of Alberta for coming together and helping each other- what else were we going to do? I didn’t see you offering to take a cut in pay (or anyone in your cabinet for that matter) to let that money help out a local business or cover rent for someone? You could survive this pandemic not working for 3 months, It’s getting pretty razor’s edge for me and many I know. I don’t know what’s coming next. I know I can’t really look to you. I don’t trust you.

We have to fight. You and your cohorts must be help accountable for the things you are trying to slide past us now. You were hired by the masses, (I was not one), but you still work for us and your review is not great. I know there are people who think you are doing a bang up job, but you have spent much time subtly feeding their fear of loosing oil, that sense of us against them. I am glad you are not quite as vile and inept as your orange faced hero, but you really ought to rethink following his lead.

Meanwhile, WE need to look out for each other, socially, physically and mentally.

Support local, respect those who have been working this whole time, those now trying to find their way back, be gentle with those fearful.

Wash your hands, wear your masks, be responsible for and to one another. It’s really all we have.

End rant.