I keep looking 

The random message you’d send 

Checking in. 

A funny 

An inspiration of some sort 

The safe place I’d need for moments like this 

Talk of shenanigans 

You are not there 

I have to keep to stopping myself 

From sending the funny thing 

The random observation 

Checking in to see how you are 

You are not there 

I came to count on you 

As family 

My heart is broken 

There’s so much in my life 

Because of you 

Today that is a painful comfort 

You are not here

My nervous system reacts.
Not only to the immediate moment
but to all the ‘moments’ that came before. Moments that were never healed.
Moments there were no breaks from.
I do not welcome this.
It’s not an overreaction to the now
It’s safety training stuck in high alert
Bind me in loving restraints
Tell me I’m a good girl

My nervous system reacts
Safely in the moment
Releasing some of the moments that came before
Healed
Breaking
I welcome this
It’s opening into the now
Safely retraining dialling down the alert
Bind me in loving restraints
Tell me I’m a good girl

I’m watching the rain in the sun.
Wrestling with my brain.
How appropriate that it’s raining, the sun is shining
I want to apologize
To you
To myself
I am disappointed at the compromises
Of self
I have made
I’m making plans to be better
As I sink
I return to ‘her’
I want to be me
The one I think you see
The unfuzzy
The unmasked
I want to apologize
To you
To myself
I’m watching the sun in the rain
Wrestling with my heart
How appropriate the sun is shining in the falling rain

In the mirror I still see her
Hidden in my eyes
Playful imp
Open armed Mother
Goddess of Sex
Joy
Magic
Years of systematic dismantling
Silencing
Trauma
Have dulled the eyes
Made stern the imp
Armoured the mother
Buried the sex
Dampened the joy
Compressed the magic
I want her back
I’m not sure how to find her

I woke to the reverberation of your voice
A dream
Not words,
just resonance
Sitting low, sacred
It’s always on the periphery
Never acknowledged
Real
Something familiar
From another time
Past
Future
The dream resonance
Awakens something primal
Memory
Fantasy

I want to –
stop thinking
Be torn open
Unearthed
Be a quest
Not die
A thousand little silent deaths
Roar
Not be afraid
That this is all, muted finish, cold
Worship one, be worshiped
Be consumed by fire and drown in the other
I want to
Feel
Stop thinking

Fuck disappearing.
I’m just evaporating.
Little by little. No rebuild.
No phoenix rising.
No more buying into the hollow with hopes it’s meaningful.
What’s the fucking point?
Build a ‘community’ No one comes
You should write No one reads
You’re such an awesome person.
No one talks, reaches out, makes plans.
I keep swallowing the bitter, trying to not take it personal, ‘everyone has thier stuff’ but when it is always everyone at the same time?!
It ain’t them sweetheart it’s you
👻…