Ghosts

I saw a few things I wanted to pass along to you. Things I thought would make you laugh or at least a moment of respite from life. I caught myself….almost too late.  I remembered. You are not there. It would be lost to the ether. By choice or by design some endings will never be understood. 

I miss you. I miss laughing with you. I miss our interesting and challenging conversations. I miss the meals we shared. I missed the fun we created. 

This hit home this morning. I dreamt of you and others I have lost. We were at a table filled with oddities, pretties and food, we were celebrating with so many more friends and family, those I brought to you, and you to me, that have intertwined our lives. When I woke you were still untouchable, lost.

I popped online and the first thing I saw, I knew would make you laugh……. and it began again.

I wish you peace, you touched my life in ways I can’t explain. Some day the loss of you will sting a little less and the remembered laughter will feel a little warmer. Until then……

Pieces

Her voice came out in pieces.

Important words lost to silence 

Her meaning distorted by perception 

Her voice came out in pieces 

Soft words of understanding devoured 

Her own requests spat out like gristle 

Her voice came out in pieces 

The songs others wanted to hear 

Pulled from the fragments 

Her voice came out in pieces 

Although she thought she spoke well 

She came to understand it was in a language no one knew 

Her voice stayed whole inside her

TFTFL- Isolation and My Monsters

For most of my life, my anxiety issues, at their very worst, have lead me to feeling isolated. Trapped inside my own head. It is a lonely, loud place, it can be very dark. 

In my mid twenties for a time, I became agoraphobic, I was able to go from work to home, and that was all. Anywhere else was like torture, vertigo, nausea, my ears would ring and it took a lot of control not to cry. I had every excuse in the book to find ways to stay home. 

During that time I also became anxious and fearful of using the phone. 

I learned then, that having few trusted people in close in physical proximity was very helpful to me amongst other things.

It took the better part of two years before my anxiety about being in the outside world eased gradually. It took until this past winter (20+ years) for me to use the phone and not feel severely ill. It was a goal I had set for myself this past fall. Another goal I had set was to conquer a different social anxiety that had set in in the last couple of years. More recently, symptoms of social anxiety had again begun to show. This time it has manifested in getting together with people I know. We used to be known for our gatherings, meals and parties, but that came to crashing halt after my 45th birthday.  There are a series of pin point triggers that I have identified, but have not yet been able to get past with much success. But I was determined. I was going to try to host a Spring Equinox dinner, or at least celebrate my birthday this year. Then Covid took over the world.

We are now asked to isolate. We are encouraged to keep in contact at a distance. We are being asked to save physical lives by limiting physical contact. There has been some discussion of how this will affect mental health. But this will be a cost for so many tallied well into the future.

I have learned that a good portion of my emotional and mental health wellbeing is contingent on physical contact and conversation. I also invest heavily into my job and life to be of service. Currently this has become somewhat impossible. 

I am trying to be adaptable. I am trying to reach out, I am trying to be open and understanding. I am trying to be hopeful. I am trying to create what I can for myself and others. I am trying to be gracious for all the kindness and connection I have received. I am trying to stay a float. I am trying to use my awareness of mental health to be proactive, helpful and supportive.

The fatigue with this is not just my own. I know the people around me are feeling it too. Not only the ones with existing mental health issues, but those that until now, have never experienced mental health problems. I know that we all respond differently to these difficulties. Some close in and down, some reach out and try to be proactive. 

My own anxiety has me fighting myself not to take lack of communication personally. Has me fighting myself that reaching out does not make me annoying or overly needy. Yet… I have hit reoccurring patterns. I have come up against my own expectations of what I am willing to do for others, but do not feel is being invested back. I am up against wondering why I matter less to some than others. Has me second guessing my energy investments. Things I believe I had made peace with and moved past. It has me giving in to letting the physical pain I feel exacerbate the fog and pain in my head. I can feel the fog, the heightened drama, the things the monsters believe are unforgivable pieces of me. I am fighting. I am winning slightly more than I am losing this week. But the battles are getting bigger.

This is not the time. This is not the time to be taken down from the inside. This is not the time to give in to the paranoia. This is not the time to give up asking for what I need. This is not the time to recede from what I can give to those who need more than I do regardless of their ability to create reciprocal support. This is not the time.

I am trying to be gentle with others, myself and the world as we navigate the now and what is to come next. I am frightened. I am tired. I am sad. 

In moments I also can feel hopeful, calm, engaged in helping.

All I can say- keep an eye on yourself, and on those around you. We need each other more than ever. We need kindness, forgiveness and compassion. If you need contact, tell someone. It is easy to let people slip away. It is easy to fall into moments of scarcity and self preservation. But that is not the lesson here.

Hold space, love and kindness. Check in, check often. Share love, kind word, even a hello. It doesn’t have to be big or time consuming, but it can make the difference to how we survive this.

Thanks for reading.

TFTFL: Virus Interruptus- This Effing Sucks

I have been wrestling with much in my head. There is so much I want to write, so many pieces to our current situation I want to dissect and understand. But nothing was coming. It’s a jumble. So I shall begin with myself. Not the science of the virus. Not the frustration with the politic. Not with the frustration of the public. Not the admiration of humanity. But with me. In my heart I know the majority of you out there are going to share in much of what I am saying. I know fundamentally my experience is not unique. I know that some people are in far more dire circumstances than I. 

When this viral freight train started baring down on the place where I live, I made some very conscious decisions for my mental health. I would limit negative and hysterical social media. Look to reputable resources for information. Stay in contact with trusted people. Be of service when and where I can. Get rest, eat responsibly and follow my self care plan. Ask for help when I need. Be easy on myself about my daily to do lists. 

With every rise in number affected, hysterical reaction (toilet paper?! I mean come on…), good and questionable government response, restriction of places to go and number of people to see, I kept to my plan.

The last few days have gotten harder. Where I am, we are near the start of the third week of ‘social distancing.’ The restrictions have continued to tighten as portions of the public are not heeding the advice of the very well trained doctors. nurses and scientists. This is frustrating, and by far one the scariest pieces to this. People’s need to be extreme, it either complete lockdown, or just amble along and what ever will happen will happen. The fear, frustration and confusion are palpable for this Empath. Even sitting in the quiet dark of the early morning as I am now, when I am disconnected from the internet and tv, I can feel it lapping at me, like ocean waves moving up the beach at high tide. I have been diligent about checking in on people I care about. Knowing that this situation negatively impacts mental health and communication and support are key. But we are all feeling it and the struggle to maintain balance is getting harder.

I had read an account from someone in China, where they are much farther down this path than we are, that the third week is the hardest. That after that point, it was almost a resignation to the new normal. We are in the start of week three here, and I feel my hope shrinking, I feel the isolation eating at me.

In the last few days, my wide circle of support has shrank, everyone is trying to come to their own terms of what this means financially, physically and emotionally for their own immediate families. The fear is rising as there is much confusion and frustration trying to access programs for financial help, figure out education for our kids and try to gauge what are the normal responses to this very abnormal situation. So they are closing ranks, closing down. Even within my home, where thankfully I am not alone, I have my husband and my daughter. Each of us trying to manage our own and help each other. But the fractures are beginning to show.

My husband still has his job, the hours are iffy, but we are thankful. He is our house’s designate to go out into the ghostly world. It is scary out there, it is different. I don’t envy that. He is inundated with being out there, so he is remiss to discuss much of it when he gets home, he is quite silent as he is trying to cope with his stress response to this. At first this wasn’t the case, there was still lively discourse and positivity that this is all temporary. But it is wearing on him. He doesn’t want to rehash the politic or the new numbers, he sees it all day long. He is frustrated. He is tired.

My eleven year old daughter is trying to come to grips with the loss of school, dance and her social circle. I am trying to help her navigate assimilating all of this, keep her engaged, entertained and educated. She has no sibling in the house with which to spend time with. She uses social media, but I am the only warm human body in the house all day, and given how scary the world is, I am the one she is stuck to. She is frustrated, scared and bored.

I love these two with my whole heart. I deeply care for my friends and clients as well. I have been doing my best to forage ahead, plan, encourage, support and acknowledge the individual feelings. I have done my best to stay informed enough to calmly pass along good information. 

The last two days have been by far the hardest. I have not been reaching out just to check in on others, but I have been reaching out for my own mental health. When the question comes of “how are you?” I pass it off with a trite- ‘surviving like the rest of us.’ But with it wearing on all of us, I have not felt I can speak up much, desperately wanting someone to ask, or at the very least see me. I feel guilty complaining. It feels wrong asking for the type of support I know others need, probably worse than I do. I feel weak for whining. I feel bad saying I need.

I need adult interaction. I need recognition that I too have lost my job, part of my identity. I am not in my element homeschooling, I am afraid, I am angry, I am terrified how this is affecting my child and I am not doing the right things to safe guard her emotionally and mentally. I don’t know the right thing to do. I feel lesser than, because I am not contributing to my household financially. I feel useless I can not treat my clients.

I need it acknowledged that MY feelings are valid and worthy of compassion and space to express, not comparison, overridden or “well it’s everywhere and we are all going through this, others have it worse.” I need it acknowledged that I am grieving the temporary loss of my jobs, which are a major way that I am able to help others. 

I need it acknowledged that in navigating the responsible restrictions we have been given, I have had to give up an important parts of my own self care. Therefore my body pain is staying elevated, my anxiety is humming. This in turn is making some of my other selfceare avenues of exercise and meditation harder. I need my tears dried. I need it acknowledged that for me, right now, this FUCKING SUCKS DONKEY BALLS. I need a big hug. 

And so, after a good cry in the bathroom, or in the dark of the early morning, after venting blindly to you my readers, I will get on with it. I will check in and still help where I can. I will cheerlead, I will support, I will navigate, I will educate. I will cook, clean, try to bring something helpful and beautiful to the world. I will get on with it. You will get on with it. We will get on with it.

Thank you for reading. Be kind. Be smart. Be aware. Be compassionate. 

TFTFL-Virus Interruptus- My Career

An open letter to my Massage Therapist Colleagues and our Clients,

So here we are. Our profession, amongst others, has been temporarily sidelined by COVID-19.

Deemed a nonessential service. We were instructed to shutter. I know some of you took great umbrage to that. But don’t. We know better. Our clients know better.

However, in the best interest of ourselves, our families, colleagues and clients we need to help create the gap to slow this virus down. We must lead by example. But we are far from nonessential.

I have been reading some of the posts on massage sites, and hearing how you are missing your clients, missing caring for people, missing doing your passion. 

In talking to some of you, I hear your worry about those clients that rely on you to help their  day to day function. 

Talking to my own clients, I hear their concern, about how to manage their own issues until they can get back on the table. Some have also expressed their concern for my family’s well being on the economic side of things, offering to pay for the missed appointments or purchase gift certificates, to help where they can. The mutual respect and care between therapist and their charge is a wondrous, and far from nonessential thing.

Right now, in this time of fear, physical distance, anxiety and anger we are also experiencing the physical symptoms of extreme stress. Muscle pain, sleeplessness, headaches, shallow breathing, restlessness and muscle tightness. Some may be feeling exhausted, short tempered, emotional or numb. If someone already has an underlying physical or mental health condition this extra stress can exacerbate issues, and/or create new ones.

This is tough on every body.

Therapists, we will be needed far more that you know. Not just for those clients that have been distancing, but those clients that have been deemed essential workers and had to go out into the altered world day after day. They will need pain relief. They will need compassion. They will need connection. They will need relaxation. They will need us. When we get to the point that we can be of help again, we need to be ready.

I know you all want to get back to work, not only for them, but for ourselves too. We are feeling all of the same things, we are dealing with not knowing how long we will not be able to make our livelihood. We are dealing with the uncertainty of illness. 

We need to look out for each other. So take this time. Rest, exercise, practice self care. If you did not have one already, create a routine for yourself now, because you will need it later. 

We will be back before you know it, doing what we do, and it will get busy. Be proud of your career and what you’ve chosen to do. We are essential.

TFTFL- Virus Interruptus – Last Night I Cried.

Last night I finally cried, hard. 

We have been under the isolation ‘suggestion’ for a week.

Doing our best to minimally go anywhere- just essentials, no playdates, no visitors. We can go outside but must stay the recommended six foot distance away from one another (your same in-house family members don’t count, as long as they are not ill). My job as a Massage Therapist has come to a hard stop. I teach at a local university, my hands on classes are cancelled. I have no real income, (like so many others at this time). 

My husband still has work, but his hours have been cut, and as much as it would be preferable that he work from home, his job and equipment needed will not allow him.

There is no clear answer as to how long this will be. At first we were told two weeks, now it seems more and more we are hearing at least a month. It is all perfectly reasonable, given the unknown factors about this virus. Most will recover just fine, but it has proven fatal in those with immunocompromised systems, and of advanced age. It spreads quickly and they have no known treatment, other than symptomatic. If it moves too fast through the population it will overwhelm our medical systems, and more people will die. This slow controlled isolation is to mitigate that. Those who have gotten really sick from it talk about how painful it is.

But you all know this. You all are living this too. It fucking sucks.

So why did I cry? 

It started with a difference of opinion over how to load a dishwasher. Typical long time living together stuff. But much more heightened. The tears come as my partner chuffed at my voicing the way I have been doing it for the better part of two weeks, (and for years before that, until I got really busy with my career).

For the most part in the last five years the kitchen had been his. He does a majority (90%) of the cooking and all of the grocery shopping. Until the last two weeks. 

With nothing much on the foreseeable horizon for massage and teaching I needed to do something. One of the things I understand for my mental health is that I need to feel productive, connected and of service. So I jumped into building a support community to keep peoples spirits up, cooking, and systematically cleaning the house. 

As all of you out there probably feel as well, I am tired, stressed, I am fearful of how long and what the actual losses are going to be. My anxiety is bad. Now that we seem to be ‘settling’ into this new high stress normal, the rest of life issues that went temporarily on hold when the first wave of panic hit, are letting me know they are still there.

Before this global crisis came knocking on the door, real life was also ganging up on me.  I was given another reality check about things with my body that are altering what I can do as far as my career goes. I have to face the reality that I will live with some form of pain, more than likely for the rest of my life. I had been working through some deep trauma origins to my mental health issues, having some great success with new tools (these are being mightily tested these days), but was starting to feel some fatigue from this and needed break. And my birthday is today. 

My anxiety is high around it, I haven’t felt like celebrating since my 45th, two years ago. That was an amazing party. There were so many people there I cared about. I thought that all was well. But it was not. And in some significant ways this party signified the end of my little clan of people. (There will be another essay on this, when it doesn’t trip me up so much). Now having groups of people together gives me great anxiety and paranoia- yet I am so sad to not do anything at all, as I really loved those gatherings. It is a difficult paradox.

Add these underlying things to the current situation. I am also dealing with the fact that some of my most needed tools will be temporarily unavailable to me, if I am not working, I can not afford to get my own much need massage, to reduce physical pain and help with some major anxiety symptoms. I can not just ‘reach out’ and meet a friend for a coffee, or a hug. Most people don’t have it in them to support much outside of themselves in this time, and physical contact is not to be at the moment. This scares me some, not to have these things available that I know really work. The best tools I have is trying to be of service, and relying on my spiritual practice. So I am trying to offer what emotional support I can by checking in with people I know who also are struggling with this clusterfuck reality. I am trying to offer calm, sage, words and guidance that comes to me through meditation and the cards. I am concentrating on supporting my family as best as I can, cooking, cleaning, loving, listening, kindness…. 

I feel numb and it is hard to write. When I am numb like this I can be productive for organization, taking care of others and chores. Things I can ‘control’.  When my husband and I had our little pointed exchange, I felt my eyes well up instantly and my voice shrink down. The tears were hot, they burned my cheeks. They would not stop. I quietly went to my room and sat. After a bit I stopped trying to stop the flow. It was one long shaky water fall. I wanted to howl, I wanted to scream my pain out. I wanted a hug, I wanted to get out. I wanted to roll into a ball and be very alone. I wanted to throw things, curse, throw up. Instead I silently wept, my body shook. My hands, that have been so steady this last while, still haven’t stymied the jitters. Snot mixing with the tears poured down my face and it was coming faster than I could wipe it away. I allowed this for a few minutes, and did my damnedest to pull it together. The rational voice is always loud when there is no time to fall apart.

I realize I am being controlling and territorial in the kitchen, but I need this place. I need to own it. My identity feels stolen. I am a Mother, Wife, Teacher, Massage Therapist, Pagan, Friend………………. I brought in money that was needed to run the house. But now I have no income, two of my titles are temporarily on hold.  

It is in that moment of exchange over the loading of the dishwasher I realized how lost I felt. I feel I have lost part of my domain, my role…… So much of the fear bubbled out too. The immediate fear and frustration around our current global situation. The deeper pain of all the things that have changed the trajectory of my life that I have not had any control over. Knowing his over reaction to that loading of the dishwasher was simply a byproduct of his fear and anxiety over this large scale situation that we have no control over. I needed control over something and the kitchen is where I staked my claim. 

Today, I will allow my daughter to make the deal out of my birthday that she wants to (even though we can’t go out). and I will be so very grateful that she is safe and with me.

Eventually I will do what I do, I will offer my heart, my ear, kind words, understanding. 

and I will be so very grateful for it. I will continue to seek out hope for myself and others.

But for now, because I know the tears are just under the surface, I will step away and give myself the gift of understanding that I just can’t communicate outside my little world right now. 

Understand that what we are all feeling and going through are completely normal reactions to a very abnormal situation.

Be kind, be compassionate, have patience. 

Thank you for reading

Tales From The Front Line- Virus Interruptus aka WTF?!

This is an uncertain time. It threatens to overwhelm anyone and everyone, but what about those with mental health issues? Anxiety, Depression and PTSD are difficult to manage on any given day, but watching the world be swept up by the very real fears of this pandemic. Fears about health, finance and scarcity. We are also reacting to those around us who feel like they are just hanging on. So what does this mean?

I am so grateful for the self work I have been doing in the last few months, it really made me look at what I can do to mitigate the monsters from taking over. 

I have been setting up new boundaries, I have removed close contact to those who are not supportive and set off my anxiety. Long breaks from social media- reorganizing what is in my feed. Being mindful about limiting caffeine (this is a regular fail…. but I try), decreasing refined sugar and taking my vitamins and drinking water. Working at regular exercise (injury has made this hard but not impossible). Getting regular massage has been so important to decrease the pain, increase relaxation and connection with my body. Meditation and finding comfort within other aspects of my spiritual practice. Creative outlets like reading, writing and painting. More time with nature. Asking for what I need and being mindful of my actions. Trying to be of service to those around me. 

Is it always a fail safe? No. But it’s what I have to work with. Refining this tool belt has been important, but I did not realize how much until now.

So in times like these how does that work? I am in contact with more people through out the day, offering support, and ear, a calm port. I have been on social media and news outlets much more than I have in the last couple of months. Caffeine has increased as I sip coffee mindlessly while voraciously reading what ever information I can find to give me an idea of what the future holds for my career (massage therapist) and family. My injuries have been in a flare up and exercise has gone by the way side. We have all been home together, eating comfort food. I have been taking vitamins, trying to get sleep, meditate, write (this has been somewhat frustrating), stick with my spiritual practices, be of help, but…… 

It is thin ice I am navigating. I would have to say that I have always been able to keep my preverbal shit together when there is a crisis, or big life shifts. My survival mode can carry me a long way. This could very well be where I am at. Months from now, there is a very real possibility that I will have a bad run of the monsters taking over for a good long while about seemingly meaningless stuff. What will really be happening, is all the emotion I may not be expressing/processing right now will find its way to the surface. But there is difference this time.

I am actually aware it is thin ice out here. That is a win, to be able to identify that I am in a place where I may get tripped up. So I am working very hard to stay within the boundaries I have set up for myself.  

I still limit my social media interaction, I am only looking at real information, passing on what is needed. Still limiting my contact to where I feel safe. Taking breaks to put my phone and computer away. I know I am being sought out for comfort, and I will continue to be a service. Which has me accessing social media more than I should. I recognize, if I am tired or expose myself too much to the fear and panic prevailing out there I am no good to anyone.  I must first create quiet within myself, so I step away. 

Today I also recognized some of my comfort behaviours (food, lack of exercise, too much wine, not enough sleep) will lead me to not be able to hold off the monsters very well and slip into old patterns. 

With my daughter being home it has been pretty easy to up my activity- but I think her and I will commit to at least 30 minutes of activity in a day, (not including outside- that is nature not gym class).

I will continue to observe my spiritual path and honour what I learn there, and try to apply it to my life.

Replace the social media distraction with creating of some kind , or quiet reading and reflection. 

Working on connecting with my self and my family. We have all changed and grown so much over the last few years, I think we need a better reconnect. The outside world is much less a distraction as there is no where to go. We must enrich our inner worlds. 

Love my body, and honour it, in all ways.

Practice kindness to my self and non judgment of others.

This is the ideal.

But realistically I am going hour by hour like everyone else in the world right now. Am I going to handle this incredibly intense period of time with grace? I know I am human, I will be ok, some of the time, and the rest of the time I am like everybody else. But I will come back to what I have been learning. Every time. I will come back.

We will come back. Have faith. Be kind. We will come back.

Clear Eyes

The ground is shifting

Everything is moving, yet we have to be still.

Come together to agree to separate.

The language is frightening

The reality of how frail our system built around money has become. 

Lives of many have been sacrificed for the economics of the few.

We can feel the disconnect,

Fear sits in the place of loneliness

Money rules, the masses

Rewards the few

But nature will still prevail

To show how fragile we are when separated

What is she really telling us?

We have come together, collectively 

To sing to one another

Keeping distant, to remain together

She is showing us where the cracks are

Reminding us where the power lies.

Don’t be afraid

There is a stillness

The system is rearranging

It is uncomfortable

It is scary

But we have each other

It Still Hurts

I heard your name today.

My heart broke

The person who mentioned you

Didn’t know

The connection is gone

They thought it was the same

I forced a smile

Pretended it didn’t hurt

I thought I’d made peace

Patched the hole

They spoke so fondly of you

I quietly agreed

How was I to explain

Something I still don’t understand

That nothing is the same

The camaraderie is a memory

Loss fills the space,

silence smothers the laughter once shared.

I heard your name today

My heart broke again