Growing Pains

You wake up one morning and feel it. 

You can’t ignore it any more You’ve been talking a great game – but action? Nah, fear holds you back. 

This morning I knew- what I thought had been a Phoenix rising moment for me a few years ago was completely false. There was only rising on wax wings. 

It was just the real beginning of my Tower collapse ( those of you familiar with Tarot will get the reference).

Aspects of my self had started emerging. Other pieces ripped away. Continually masks being pulled off. People moving in and out and around my life with alarming speed. Facilitating much creation, joy and destruction, grief. Wonderful things introduced to explore, teased and then taken away. My darkness and light mixing like ink and water. 

This last 8 months especially, I have felt raw. Pulled open, heart dissected. No skin, no face. A collection of demons, damage, scars, pain, faith, love, humility, inquisitiveness, hope and beauty. 

I jumped deep into exploring my Faith, Beliefs, Myself. Looking for reflections of myself in the things around me. Not always liking what I see. Falling deeply in love with who I want to be, and bringing her to life. This work is hard. This work is lonely. 

I still want my Village 

I still want my Circle

to celebrate and work with.

 But first I must find my Village within. My circle around myself. No one will accept me as I am, until I accept myself. 
It is not a straight line. It is ongoing. 

I am love. I am light. I am dark. I am sadness. I am joyful. I am powerful. I am weak. I am intense. I am needy. I am giving. I am compassion. I am empathy. I am love. I am broken. I am whole. I see the best in myself. I see the best in others. 
I have talents, gifts, knowledge and love to share. 

The fire is burning bright. The ashes will scatter. And finally the imperfect Phoenix will begin to rise. 

Tired Thoughts

Vulnerability is to be strong. So I have read. We all have the desire to be loved, encouraged and accepted for who we are.

There was so much more I was going to write. And part way through, I realized it is pointless.

Wether I am kind or cutting. Giving or closed off. It will never be correct as people put their own meaning on the things others do. We will always be the bad guy or the weak jerk in someone’s story, no matter the intent.

It’s easy to let that removed judgement defeat us. Turn us cold, label people as toxic, cruel – hold on to anger, hurt.
To stop trying, loving, understanding, trusting, accepting, respecting, connecting……. we do not allow vulnerability, where true healing is found.
We turn this on ourselves, to reinforce kindness comes with payment, we are unworthy of love and acceptance, we are unworthy of working towards better.
And so the cycle goes.

Whether I am a good character or bad character in the story you tell yourself- I can not change this. But I am learning to accept I am a whole character trying hard to hang on in a world that makes it very hard to be vulnerable, content, kind and forgiving.

❤️

Covid Rage

Here it is folks- This day’s contemplation rant, RAGE. 

I am tired. I have been trying for quite a while now to find the right words, to express myself about what is happening in my life, my community, my province, my country, my world. 

Humanity does not seem to be winning. I see so much fear, misinformation and emotional hostage taking, Random arguments picked. Desperation to get back to what was, with out considering the cost. Resistance to what could be, because it seems unclear. 

The din of voices drowning out common sense and decency. We are a bunch of selfish toddlers in this society. 

So, from my cosy little corner on the couch, with coffee in hand, well aware of the world’s ills and that everyone is entitled to their own opinion, I shall say this with much frustrated love- 

SHUT THE FUCK UP. 

Just for a minute.

Everyone take a collective breath. 

Here it is as I see it (make no bones, I KNOW in so many ways I am privileged, but there is much of my life that has not been.) So here goes.

You- yeah you over there thinking your ‘rights’ are being taken away by being told to stay home, wear a mask and practice social distancing, putting off some vanity haircut, tanning whatever. Where the hell is your social consciousness?! Are you so selfish that you can not look beyond your own wants- make no mistake that is what they are, wants, not needs. Just because it might not be someone in your immediate circle affected does not mean it won’t eventually affect you- perhaps you aren’t invincible, you can get sick too. And to clarify, WE ALL have to right to be SAFE, not the ‘right’ for a dye job…… stop letting your privilege show.

And you over there- whining that we are being too cautious because the numbers in Canada have stayed relatively low- HOW else do you think that happened? Your logic makes as much sense as putting a helmet on immediately after falling off your bike and dripping your brains on the sidewalk. 

All the rally cries of all the things that kill more people a year- we know- but your comparisons are faulty, for most of your arguments about diseases, there are treatments (not perfect) available to help or those numbers would be much higher. For the comparisons about mental health, addiction, suicide and domestic violence, this current state of the world is going to elevate those numbers astronomically- this will be the third deadly wave of the pandemic. SO rather than wringing your hands what are we going to do? How are you going to be proactive, so the numbers don’t get any higher. By the way, as of this writing over 320,000 people have died from this single virus )

Now, let’s move past us average folks, who by and large are really doing the best we can with what we have. Most of our anger, fear and frustration comes from what we are being shown and told by the powers that are in charge. The bullshit some of you are willing to buy into. Look what it’s turning you into, turning you blind to…….This is where my real vitriol is. 

There are many I could call out by name, not just the few I am willing to, but these are just the examples of what horrifies me most about the world I am raising my daughter in.

Hey, Jeff Bezos, Richard Branson, Kevin O’Leary, Brett Wilson, and all of you with more money that you actually need. Put your money where your mouth is. 

You want congrats Jeff for providing your staff T-shirts that say Frontline hero’s ? Fuck you- pay them living wages, proper benefits. 

Hey Brett, how would your Grandparents or Mom feel about knowing you think their lives are expendable? Proud they raised such an upstanding man? 

Same for you Richard, you could help out the poorest of the poor, and it would not even cause a major hiccup in your bank account. 

And Kevin, your politic of putting money before the well being of the average person is disgusting. 

But hey, if the politicians are going to allow it and play ball in your arena then it must be ok. Right?! 

You tell them the only way to get our economy going is to listen to you because ‘look what we’ve built’- beats chest mightily in the process…. On who’s backs? The people you won’t take care of, but will willingly sacrifice to illness and death, which is more likely due to socioeconomic standing than luck. 

And all you ‘self made millionaires’, 

1: You weren’t self made, there were many who helped you, who you used and stepped on on your way to the bloat. 

2: No more bullshit that this system can be accessed by anyone, it’s not, it never has been, it’s rigged in favour of white males. The few not from that particular ilk who have busted through the ranks are mostly the ones doing the quiet helpful work now.

3: Really not your fault that you have been sheltered by a corrupt political system, you’re just using what’s there. Kinda like bloated ticks on a poor hound.

The banks too- It is so tempting at this point to want to scratch my eyes out if I see one more ‘we are here to help you in these uncertain times’ commercial. NO YOU ARE NOT. Smoke and mirrors, you will not sacrifice profit, bonuses or payouts to your investors to help me with my business or home, I’d have to already be rich for you to approve me.

My real dislike is for some very specific Politicians willing to continually gut the system, especially now, during this very uncertain time. 

Your constituents need help- Yes Jason Kenney, this one is personal. Even before the pandemic hit you were systematically wanting to emulate your hero trump. 

Your priority should have been helping our Indigenous Peoples access clean water, better education/social programs and cultural education- nope, let’s focus on an out of date industry.

Your priority should have been education, helping make it affordable for all, instilling diversified programs to build up multiple industries in our province- nope. Let’s cut funding for all schools- starting with primary, classes of 30-50 are fine, we will standardize, no one needs critical thinking skills anyway (that might lead to questions). Teachers don’t need more resources, kids don’t need programs to help them navigate social or mental health issues. Special programs aren’t needed to help educate- they may not come out with much but what does it matter no one fails anyway because we don’t have the room. 

Oh and those whiny post secondary- you can always (not) get a loan, except we will change those rules, so you better have top grades or you are not worthy. You also better be in an urban centre because you are not worthy of access other wise. Better cut funding to the schools to, for your (imaginary) war room- you know the real important stuff. No arts are needed, they can do with out. But really, since most of us have been home what have we relied on for unity/sanity- THE ARTS.

You hand big O&G companies vast sums of money, without assurances that it would really benefit Albertans, so many up and moved their offices after that. Great plan.

Healthcare- well come on, private is the way to go. Why make a fair access system in the Government, you and your friends can’t make money off of that (yes Shandro I am looking at you).

There are so many other things, taking away access to mostly women’s health procedures, slowly chipping away at rights LGBTQ have fought hard and so richly deserve, I could go on.

And I will- even during this crisis you continue with this bullshit- your southern idol picks a fight with China, you follow suit, you challenge our own national government for money- but mostly for O&G, you wait to see what they are going to give the masses during the pandemic before you decide what you ‘have to do’ for them. Still picking fights with our much needed doctors, so many still planing to leave when the worst of this pandemic subsides, because of you and Shandro.

You throw our own chief medical officer under the bus more than once, and then like a school yard bully, when things show signs of getting better because we follow her advice, decide you now have to give the ‘good’ news so you can look like a good guy. 

You need the economy to get started (as do we all) you announce opening dates and no effing plan, so then you have to walk back on some of it. You say you want a fair equity deal from Ottawa- not for the people just for O&G. You outrightly insult any other industry that may have had a thought to come here to build (your insult to green energy was infantile). I am not against O&G but it must update and diversify if it is to not sink in the tar pits like the dinosaur it is. 

I see much about how all this money used to help us now has to come from somewhere (it did, those are the taxes we pay), and we are not dumb, you will want to claw every bit back- but ask yourself, if you weren’t wasting so much chasing your dream and stroking your privileged buddies, wouldn’t there have been more of OUR money to use for us?

You refuse to help renters (commercial and home) with protections because they can’t pay- Leads me to wonder how many buildings you own. You own pathetic privilege is showing. You congratulate the citizens of Alberta for coming together and helping each other- what else were we going to do? I didn’t see you offering to take a cut in pay (or anyone in your cabinet for that matter) to let that money help out a local business or cover rent for someone? You could survive this pandemic not working for 3 months, It’s getting pretty razor’s edge for me and many I know. I don’t know what’s coming next. I know I can’t really look to you. I don’t trust you. 

We have to fight. You and your cohorts must be help accountable for the things you are trying to slide past us now. You were hired by the masses, (I was not one), but you still work for us and your review is not great. I know there are people who think you are doing a bang up job, but you have spent much time subtly feeding their fear of loosing oil, that sense of us against them. I am glad you are not quite as vile and inept as your orange faced hero, but you really ought to rethink following his lead. 

Meanwhile, WE need to look out for each other, socially, physically and mentally. 

Support local, respect those who have been working this whole time, those now trying to find their way back, be gentle with those fearful.

Wash your hands, wear your masks, be responsible for and to one another. It’s really all we have.

End rant.

Communicate

Communicate. Say what’s on your mind, even if it’s hard. Own how you feel.

Before you open your mouth understand it’s origins. Understand where it comes from, inside you- Do not attack.

Be mindful that you will NOT full understand the motivations of others. Don’t walk away on assumptions. If there are good things to tell, do that too.

For a writer, I have never been good at conveying my personal feelings without over explaining, or thinking that people should just know. These opposite ends of the spectrum are heightened by my mental illness, there seems to be no in-between. It leads me to taking everything personally (victim mind set). “What did I do? How can I fix this?” It leaves very little room for other person because I have created the narrative already.

I have been working on learning the difference between what is mindful compassion for yourself and the other and what is falling on the sword martyrdom.

Falling on the sword martyrdom- “I know I am horrible and I am the reason you are angry/sad. I have ruined everything, but I wouldn’t have if you weren’t so mean. Tell me what i did wrong? But I will change, I will be the perfect one.- or- I have done nothing, I will withdraw, that’ll show them, they will realize what they have done and miss me 😒”

Mindful compassion- “Things seem off, and I am feeling that there is some anger/tension and I’d like to discus the situation. It is making me uncomfortable/sad.”

The catch? The other person may not be receptive to this style, they may not be willing to participate in this way.

The lesson is to not take that personally. Which is hard if you are really trying to come from a place of mindful compassion, and it feels they are not.

It won’t always work. You are still human. They are still human. All you can do is try- especially if the relationship was significant. At least if it can’t be fixed it can go out on a respectful end. And you might be surprised at what you learn, what can be worked on, what can be achieved.

Communicate with intent, love and respect.
Rambling 5 am thoughts…. Thanks for reading

Motherhood and Us

Mother’s day is tomorrow. My Mother’s birthday is in two days, she would have been 79.

There have been years past that the grief ripped at me. I needed my Mom, I needed a her advice on how to be a parent, a wife, me. Other years I feel just a hollow, a wash of grief. This year is different, this year that grief, that longing, is mired up in so many other things, it seems just a piece. All that comes to mind about her is this: I miss and love you Mom, everyday. Happy Mother’s Day. Happy Birthday.

I very much have a kaleidoscope view of what Mother is. I did not raise my first born. He has an amazing Mother that I love and admire. Yet I feel very ‘motherly’ toward him, he is still my child (grown man), and I will be protective of him until my last breath. My daughter, whom I have raised, provides me the day to day prism colours of Motherhood. The intricate dance between the joy and frustration of parenting. The deep connection and love we have, watching her grow, and the bittersweet acknowledgment of her budding autonomy into a young woman. I have been told that I am a mentor and appreciated by some, I hold much gratitude for this, and I feel protective of so many that I know, regardless of age. I believe it is my strong connection to the Goddess that allows this maternal feeling toward life in general to be so present in my life.

So today- in this very skewed world, I am not in a place where I am desperate for my own Mother’s guidance. Perhaps it is because she would not have had experience to draw from to teach me how to be, what to do, right now. Part of me is grateful she is not here, it would be a constant state of worry about her health and what could happen. I am glad she did not see the mess the world has become. But I really could use her hug, a place to weep my tears of frustration and confusion. A place where I could fall apart, just for a moment.

I am feeling ferociously protective of all I know, yet aside from sharing the odd bit of food (doorstep drop off), and removed electronic communication, I don’t feel connected to a majority of my world. To the people I can help, the people I enjoy, I feel cut off, energetically deprived.

My son is safe and healthy, but removed, living his life and I trust doing well. He is very much a young man with a beautiful life of his own, but I worry as does his Mother, these times are messy and we want to make sure he is secure.

I am trying so hard to protect my daughter and guide her through this. Not unscarred, but to trust there will be wisdom that will come from this. To help her keep balanced as best as she can. I allow her to feel as she will, angry, lonely, joy, humour and frustration. There is no handbook for this. It is the best that can be done. I let her know that I am also experiencing these things, and that we will be ok, together.

This Mother’s day is odd. Do I feel like I have been a great mom? No. But I appreciate that all I do comes from a deep love and appreciation of all I have, all the people (born to me and not) that I adore. I believe my children know I will always do what I can to help them be their own best selves. I feel I often come up short, limping along, slipping up in a frustrated moment. I feel all too fragile when I need to be strong. I feel all too stupid, when I should know what to do. I feel all too human, when I really want to be a superhero. The overwhelmed emotion I feel this Mother’s day is not just because I miss my own Mother, it is a reflection of this time we are trying to navigate.

I celebrate all the Mom’s I know – we are tired, frustrated, angry, calm, messy, loving, beautiful and perfectly human. We try so hard and many of us feel we come up short. The emotional load this pandemic has added is unbelievable, we were already operating from an overwhelmed place that we have allowed society to dictate. I admire all the Mom’s (wether you have children born to you, raised them, don’t have any of your own, we all bring the divine maternal to many elements in our lives), I think you are amazing. I think you are so much more than you see, than you feel. I see you all operating from a place of deep love, and that is the most Motherly thing we can do. I love each of you in this sisterhood immensely.

So this weekend, remember who you are. Love yourself for the complexity, love yourself for doing what you can. Love yourself. Happy Mother’s Day- rest, you deserve it.

An Open Letter to My Massage Friends and Clients

To All my Therapist Friends, and anyone who misses massage
One of the things I have noticed having been in this field for such a long time is that there is a general quality most therapists have, we genuinely want to help people. We want to see people be a better version of themselves. We want to do the best we can for them. I am proud that the therapists I know are extremely diligent in their client care. They are well educated, compassionate people. But we are very human too.
When we were first asked to close because of the pandemic, there was much fear about our practices, our clients, our finances. How long would this last? What were we going to do? How would we, and by extension, our clients manage?
We adapted
In that time since we shuttered I have talked with many of the therapists I know. Many set up contact with their regular clients, keeping up with check ins and reminders of self care. Many are trying to calmly just wait it out. Many are just in limbo, doing the best they can. We talked of how we were feeling, the frustration at not being able to work, concern about finance, wanting to be out in the world. Hoping for a quick and secure resolution.
We are now facing something else, even more nerve wracking that what we were facing a mere eight weeks ago. The anxiety, fear and anger is palpable.
The powers that be, feel we are ready to start opening, slowly. Our profession is slated as ‘phase 2’. This announcement first brought with it some hurt prideful feelings, how were we not considered as important as hairstylists (somehow they are in phase 1). Even client’s of mine were wondering why we weren’t given the same priority as physios and such. Then there was a collective pause.
We see many of those slated for the first wave of opening are asking why? Shouldn’t we wait longer? Is it really safe? Others are relieved to be able to start getting out in the world. But in the same breath we are told we are going to start opening up, we are told that not all the symptoms are as they appear, we are to maintain social distancing, there will be a second wave that threatens to be much worse than the first wave. Can we really trust the majority of the public will be responsible with social distancing and general common sense?
The numbers have not spiked in an uncontrollable way. But there has been no significant decrease either. On paper it looks to be on the rise, but the math must be considered. There is more testing available, we must also look at the number of resolved cases and of that, the percentage of fatal cases. But this brings little comfort, with the din of all other mixed messages. Pictures of unsafe gatherings of people, people protesting to have things of convenience reopen. The community spread that has become more prevalent.
There is no clear plan of how we practice safely, for ourselves and our clients. Are we going to be forced to practice? If we personally choose to wait will the government cut aid off? Is it worth it? Will people come back?
There is no specific answer to even the simplest of questions. Colleagues have been directed to watch the training for what nurses need to observe for physical safety to work with people. From what I have seen, I am not even sure when that would be available, how to locate the approved type or what the cost of that kind of PPE would be. Not to mention that it would not be conducive to an effective massage at all.The fear is understandable, we work, for an extended period of time, in very close proximity to our clients. So now we wait, we wait to see how the early and first phase roll out. There will be much to learn here. Much to consider.
The only thing I can say, is trust your gut my therapist friends. Follow the science, use your best judgment. When or if you choose to work, follow the rules, keep everything clean. Some of us will go back to work as soon as the green light hits.Some of us will ease back into it.Some of us will wait.Some of us may not come back.
Let’s support each other. Do not judge another for their choice to work, wait or not. Pass helpful information. Be understanding of the fear and anxiety. Most of all be safe.
Take care my friends

TFTFL- Confusion in the Muck

This battle.

This fucking battle….. 

To start off with the , ‘we are in unprecedented times,’ (no shit Sherlock), is a patronizing sticky glob. I think by now most people recognize that since the last official World War, there has not been an event that has effected people on such a large scale.

Will it go back to normal? What was normal? What will we try to take away from this? At this moment, sitting in my chair, trying to focus on the task at hand (it is not this I can assure you) I don’t fucking care what human kind decides. I am trying to decide what will get me through the day. I believe this is where many people are at. 

The pandemic and its isolating measures have compressed many things. We can not be together, we are told to rely on electronic communication. We know how often electronic communication is miscommunication. Everything is a dichotomy. There is no right way to handle what these times bring, yet we are all so vocal about what we need, it feels like constant chatter that no one is actually listening to.

In the shut down, important tools have been taken away from people that help them in their daily lives. This is what is eating at me. This is what is dissolving me. This is what is defeating me. 

I am still trying to be helpful, maintain purpose, be the thing I want have in this world. Offer space, reminders of self care, empathy. Not only to those I can (family, friends, clients), but to myself. It is wearing thin.

There is now speak of going back to work. Being able to resume getting people back on my table. In my heart I know how badly some need this. I know how badly I need to do this. I love my job, it fills my cup. And trust me, I do have gratitude. I am terrified.

I have been shown much appreciation and love and kindness over this last while. People letting me know that my messages of kindness, respect and empathy have been helpful, checking in with them has meant so much. That I am missed, valued and they can not wait until we can see each other again. For this I am grateful.

Yet today I feel so broken, so fake, so tired, so full of fucking pain. Full of fear that I can not do this any more. 

As my clients have come to rely on massage to alleviate their pain levels so they can function, feel whole, connected, calm and that their core person is valued enough to receive that care, I have come to rely on the same. 

My body had determined about two years ago, that weekly treatment worked best. This is a unique thing, to find the rhythm of care, but I had. My own chronic clients understand this all too well. We get maintenance care (some things can not be fixed, just patched ), and due to lifestyle, and other factors those patches can wear off in a week, two, maybe even a month. Then the pain and/or disfunction return, sometimes creeping in, sometimes like a freight train. To those that do not live in my head or body, my weekly treatment may have appeared excessive. It is has now been weeks since I last received the skilled hands on that help to let me function, move, think and feel ‘normal’. I am acutely aware of how far down I am.

Old injuries that are destroying my joints are screaming. I can not move with out feeling something sharp, restricted and weak. I have been mildly joking I am like a T-Rex. There have been moments i need my daughter to brush and pull my hair into a ponytail, because I have neither the range or strength to do it. I try to push to exercise (this is a much needed piece to myself care ) but it too has become a source of frustration rather than salvation. My mental health pain is determined to make its presence physically known, is at levels that are making rational emotional thought a monumental task. The physical and mental pain has become a loop.

So my voice is added to the babble. Lost in the expressed chorus of wants and needs of others. Trying to catch myself and the negative patterning. Trying to not take others (non)reactions personally. Trying to allow for understanding. I feel like I am screaming into the ether. I feel like I do nothing but complain.

‘Buck up. Shit has to be done. No point in whining. I HURT. I can not keep doing this. Pain meds hardly work. I need a soft place of understanding, not patronizing. Thank you for the love. Fuck why can’t you hear me? I’ll stop talking about it. Please listen I am not well. I am fine, it just is what it is. Do you see now why care is so important? FUCK THIS!! Please hear me, talk with me. LEAVE ME ALONE. I just want to get dressed with out feeling nauseous. I want to sleep. Don’t patronize me I am not weak. Help me please.’

I work at distraction, try to busy myself to be of service where I can. Step out when the noise becomes too much. To ride through the sharper parts of the pain. To manage what I can.

I am tired. How do I navigate getting ready to go again, with whatever version of normal that will be? When I am not sure I have even been navigating the now with any great aplomb. I feel for my daughter, trying to help her move through her altered life. My husband, my friends who all face their own challenges, all have their own needs. How to make it fit. Make it work.

So as I sit here, in my chair, desperately trying to focus on the task at hand, the refrain that the powers that be keep telling us, ‘we are all in this together.’ is thrumming the the fog of my brain, and all I can think is that I think, I have never felt so alone.

How are you doing?

Tomorrow is another day. 

Middle of the Night

Tired does not begin to describe

Torn does not even come close

You don’t see me

You don’t hear me, unless you need

It’s your need, your play ground

You say ‘I know you work hard’

But the list of to do becomes longer

You tell me how things should be

But wait to see if I lead, guide or just do

You don’t see me

You don’t hear me, unless you need

It’s your need, your playground

I repeat, I repeat so often

You say ‘how was I supposed to know?’

I am so tired, I am so torn, I am so hollow

You don’t see me, you don’t hear me