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TFTFL-Virus Interruptus- My Career

An open letter to my Massage Therapist Colleagues and our Clients,

So here we are. Our profession, amongst others, has been temporarily sidelined by COVID-19.

Deemed a nonessential service. We were instructed to shutter. I know some of you took great umbrage to that. But don’t. We know better. Our clients know better.

However, in the best interest of ourselves, our families, colleagues and clients we need to help create the gap to slow this virus down. We must lead by example. But we are far from nonessential.

I have been reading some of the posts on massage sites, and hearing how you are missing your clients, missing caring for people, missing doing your passion. 

In talking to some of you, I hear your worry about those clients that rely on you to help their  day to day function. 

Talking to my own clients, I hear their concern, about how to manage their own issues until they can get back on the table. Some have also expressed their concern for my family’s well being on the economic side of things, offering to pay for the missed appointments or purchase gift certificates, to help where they can. The mutual respect and care between therapist and their charge is a wondrous, and far from nonessential thing.

Right now, in this time of fear, physical distance, anxiety and anger we are also experiencing the physical symptoms of extreme stress. Muscle pain, sleeplessness, headaches, shallow breathing, restlessness and muscle tightness. Some may be feeling exhausted, short tempered, emotional or numb. If someone already has an underlying physical or mental health condition this extra stress can exacerbate issues, and/or create new ones.

This is tough on every body.

Therapists, we will be needed far more that you know. Not just for those clients that have been distancing, but those clients that have been deemed essential workers and had to go out into the altered world day after day. They will need pain relief. They will need compassion. They will need connection. They will need relaxation. They will need us. When we get to the point that we can be of help again, we need to be ready.

I know you all want to get back to work, not only for them, but for ourselves too. We are feeling all of the same things, we are dealing with not knowing how long we will not be able to make our livelihood. We are dealing with the uncertainty of illness. 

We need to look out for each other. So take this time. Rest, exercise, practice self care. If you did not have one already, create a routine for yourself now, because you will need it later. 

We will be back before you know it, doing what we do, and it will get busy. Be proud of your career and what you’ve chosen to do. We are essential.

TFTFL- Virus Interruptus – Last Night I Cried.

Last night I finally cried, hard. 

We have been under the isolation ‘suggestion’ for a week.

Doing our best to minimally go anywhere- just essentials, no playdates, no visitors. We can go outside but must stay the recommended six foot distance away from one another (your same in-house family members don’t count, as long as they are not ill). My job as a Massage Therapist has come to a hard stop. I teach at a local university, my hands on classes are cancelled. I have no real income, (like so many others at this time). 

My husband still has work, but his hours have been cut, and as much as it would be preferable that he work from home, his job and equipment needed will not allow him.

There is no clear answer as to how long this will be. At first we were told two weeks, now it seems more and more we are hearing at least a month. It is all perfectly reasonable, given the unknown factors about this virus. Most will recover just fine, but it has proven fatal in those with immunocompromised systems, and of advanced age. It spreads quickly and they have no known treatment, other than symptomatic. If it moves too fast through the population it will overwhelm our medical systems, and more people will die. This slow controlled isolation is to mitigate that. Those who have gotten really sick from it talk about how painful it is.

But you all know this. You all are living this too. It fucking sucks.

So why did I cry? 

It started with a difference of opinion over how to load a dishwasher. Typical long time living together stuff. But much more heightened. The tears come as my partner chuffed at my voicing the way I have been doing it for the better part of two weeks, (and for years before that, until I got really busy with my career).

For the most part in the last five years the kitchen had been his. He does a majority (90%) of the cooking and all of the grocery shopping. Until the last two weeks. 

With nothing much on the foreseeable horizon for massage and teaching I needed to do something. One of the things I understand for my mental health is that I need to feel productive, connected and of service. So I jumped into building a support community to keep peoples spirits up, cooking, and systematically cleaning the house. 

As all of you out there probably feel as well, I am tired, stressed, I am fearful of how long and what the actual losses are going to be. My anxiety is bad. Now that we seem to be ‘settling’ into this new high stress normal, the rest of life issues that went temporarily on hold when the first wave of panic hit, are letting me know they are still there.

Before this global crisis came knocking on the door, real life was also ganging up on me.  I was given another reality check about things with my body that are altering what I can do as far as my career goes. I have to face the reality that I will live with some form of pain, more than likely for the rest of my life. I had been working through some deep trauma origins to my mental health issues, having some great success with new tools (these are being mightily tested these days), but was starting to feel some fatigue from this and needed break. And my birthday is today. 

My anxiety is high around it, I haven’t felt like celebrating since my 45th, two years ago. That was an amazing party. There were so many people there I cared about. I thought that all was well. But it was not. And in some significant ways this party signified the end of my little clan of people. (There will be another essay on this, when it doesn’t trip me up so much). Now having groups of people together gives me great anxiety and paranoia- yet I am so sad to not do anything at all, as I really loved those gatherings. It is a difficult paradox.

Add these underlying things to the current situation. I am also dealing with the fact that some of my most needed tools will be temporarily unavailable to me, if I am not working, I can not afford to get my own much need massage, to reduce physical pain and help with some major anxiety symptoms. I can not just ‘reach out’ and meet a friend for a coffee, or a hug. Most people don’t have it in them to support much outside of themselves in this time, and physical contact is not to be at the moment. This scares me some, not to have these things available that I know really work. The best tools I have is trying to be of service, and relying on my spiritual practice. So I am trying to offer what emotional support I can by checking in with people I know who also are struggling with this clusterfuck reality. I am trying to offer calm, sage, words and guidance that comes to me through meditation and the cards. I am concentrating on supporting my family as best as I can, cooking, cleaning, loving, listening, kindness…. 

I feel numb and it is hard to write. When I am numb like this I can be productive for organization, taking care of others and chores. Things I can ‘control’.  When my husband and I had our little pointed exchange, I felt my eyes well up instantly and my voice shrink down. The tears were hot, they burned my cheeks. They would not stop. I quietly went to my room and sat. After a bit I stopped trying to stop the flow. It was one long shaky water fall. I wanted to howl, I wanted to scream my pain out. I wanted a hug, I wanted to get out. I wanted to roll into a ball and be very alone. I wanted to throw things, curse, throw up. Instead I silently wept, my body shook. My hands, that have been so steady this last while, still haven’t stymied the jitters. Snot mixing with the tears poured down my face and it was coming faster than I could wipe it away. I allowed this for a few minutes, and did my damnedest to pull it together. The rational voice is always loud when there is no time to fall apart.

I realize I am being controlling and territorial in the kitchen, but I need this place. I need to own it. My identity feels stolen. I am a Mother, Wife, Teacher, Massage Therapist, Pagan, Friend………………. I brought in money that was needed to run the house. But now I have no income, two of my titles are temporarily on hold.  

It is in that moment of exchange over the loading of the dishwasher I realized how lost I felt. I feel I have lost part of my domain, my role…… So much of the fear bubbled out too. The immediate fear and frustration around our current global situation. The deeper pain of all the things that have changed the trajectory of my life that I have not had any control over. Knowing his over reaction to that loading of the dishwasher was simply a byproduct of his fear and anxiety over this large scale situation that we have no control over. I needed control over something and the kitchen is where I staked my claim. 

Today, I will allow my daughter to make the deal out of my birthday that she wants to (even though we can’t go out). and I will be so very grateful that she is safe and with me.

Eventually I will do what I do, I will offer my heart, my ear, kind words, understanding. 

and I will be so very grateful for it. I will continue to seek out hope for myself and others.

But for now, because I know the tears are just under the surface, I will step away and give myself the gift of understanding that I just can’t communicate outside my little world right now. 

Understand that what we are all feeling and going through are completely normal reactions to a very abnormal situation.

Be kind, be compassionate, have patience. 

Thank you for reading

Tales From The Front Line- Virus Interruptus aka WTF?!

This is an uncertain time. It threatens to overwhelm anyone and everyone, but what about those with mental health issues? Anxiety, Depression and PTSD are difficult to manage on any given day, but watching the world be swept up by the very real fears of this pandemic. Fears about health, finance and scarcity. We are also reacting to those around us who feel like they are just hanging on. So what does this mean?

I am so grateful for the self work I have been doing in the last few months, it really made me look at what I can do to mitigate the monsters from taking over. 

I have been setting up new boundaries, I have removed close contact to those who are not supportive and set off my anxiety. Long breaks from social media- reorganizing what is in my feed. Being mindful about limiting caffeine (this is a regular fail…. but I try), decreasing refined sugar and taking my vitamins and drinking water. Working at regular exercise (injury has made this hard but not impossible). Getting regular massage has been so important to decrease the pain, increase relaxation and connection with my body. Meditation and finding comfort within other aspects of my spiritual practice. Creative outlets like reading, writing and painting. More time with nature. Asking for what I need and being mindful of my actions. Trying to be of service to those around me. 

Is it always a fail safe? No. But it’s what I have to work with. Refining this tool belt has been important, but I did not realize how much until now.

So in times like these how does that work? I am in contact with more people through out the day, offering support, and ear, a calm port. I have been on social media and news outlets much more than I have in the last couple of months. Caffeine has increased as I sip coffee mindlessly while voraciously reading what ever information I can find to give me an idea of what the future holds for my career (massage therapist) and family. My injuries have been in a flare up and exercise has gone by the way side. We have all been home together, eating comfort food. I have been taking vitamins, trying to get sleep, meditate, write (this has been somewhat frustrating), stick with my spiritual practices, be of help, but…… 

It is thin ice I am navigating. I would have to say that I have always been able to keep my preverbal shit together when there is a crisis, or big life shifts. My survival mode can carry me a long way. This could very well be where I am at. Months from now, there is a very real possibility that I will have a bad run of the monsters taking over for a good long while about seemingly meaningless stuff. What will really be happening, is all the emotion I may not be expressing/processing right now will find its way to the surface. But there is difference this time.

I am actually aware it is thin ice out here. That is a win, to be able to identify that I am in a place where I may get tripped up. So I am working very hard to stay within the boundaries I have set up for myself.  

I still limit my social media interaction, I am only looking at real information, passing on what is needed. Still limiting my contact to where I feel safe. Taking breaks to put my phone and computer away. I know I am being sought out for comfort, and I will continue to be a service. Which has me accessing social media more than I should. I recognize, if I am tired or expose myself too much to the fear and panic prevailing out there I am no good to anyone.  I must first create quiet within myself, so I step away. 

Today I also recognized some of my comfort behaviours (food, lack of exercise, too much wine, not enough sleep) will lead me to not be able to hold off the monsters very well and slip into old patterns. 

With my daughter being home it has been pretty easy to up my activity- but I think her and I will commit to at least 30 minutes of activity in a day, (not including outside- that is nature not gym class).

I will continue to observe my spiritual path and honour what I learn there, and try to apply it to my life.

Replace the social media distraction with creating of some kind , or quiet reading and reflection. 

Working on connecting with my self and my family. We have all changed and grown so much over the last few years, I think we need a better reconnect. The outside world is much less a distraction as there is no where to go. We must enrich our inner worlds. 

Love my body, and honour it, in all ways.

Practice kindness to my self and non judgment of others.

This is the ideal.

But realistically I am going hour by hour like everyone else in the world right now. Am I going to handle this incredibly intense period of time with grace? I know I am human, I will be ok, some of the time, and the rest of the time I am like everybody else. But I will come back to what I have been learning. Every time. I will come back.

We will come back. Have faith. Be kind. We will come back.

Clear Eyes

The ground is shifting

Everything is moving, yet we have to be still.

Come together to agree to separate.

The language is frightening

The reality of how frail our system built around money has become. 

Lives of many have been sacrificed for the economics of the few.

We can feel the disconnect,

Fear sits in the place of loneliness

Money rules, the masses

Rewards the few

But nature will still prevail

To show how fragile we are when separated

What is she really telling us?

We have come together, collectively 

To sing to one another

Keeping distant, to remain together

She is showing us where the cracks are

Reminding us where the power lies.

Don’t be afraid

There is a stillness

The system is rearranging

It is uncomfortable

It is scary

But we have each other

It Still Hurts

I heard your name today.

My heart broke

The person who mentioned you

Didn’t know

The connection is gone

They thought it was the same

I forced a smile

Pretended it didn’t hurt

I thought I’d made peace

Patched the hole

They spoke so fondly of you

I quietly agreed

How was I to explain

Something I still don’t understand

That nothing is the same

The camaraderie is a memory

Loss fills the space,

silence smothers the laughter once shared.

I heard your name today

My heart broke again

Tales From the Front Line- Looking at the Map

I have been focused on my childhood and some of the events that I believe may have shaped some of my monsters. But our formation does not stop there. We do continue to evolve and be shaped by our environment, no matter the age. 

I have had some profound relationships throughout my life, that have altered, and in some cases righted, the course I have taken. (I imagine, there will be more to come). Not all of them lovers or romantic, but each of them deeply intimate, and all of them occupy a place in my heart and soul.  Each relationship at times has had a role (or many) in reenforcing my patterns (good and bad), protecting me, and destroying me in various ways. All have led me to this path of awareness, dismantling and healing that I am currently traveling.

I have been taking the time to examine these profound relationships that came later, when I was past my childhood, into young adulthood and beyond. I have been looking for patterns and reflections in order to try to learn what I can so I can grow.

I believe that the depth to which I have been affected/connected to most of these people originates in the Ether. These are all people I feel like I’ve known forever, even when I haven’t. These are all people who move freely around me, sometimes in close, sometimes far away. All occupying their own orbits. Like we are on stretchy bands. It’s funny I get twitchy when the orbits change, even though I should know better. Even though I can ‘see’ better.

I have, as is my curious nature, (and as my belief structure allows) wanted to understand the energetic (Karmic) connection. 

As some of these relationships are puzzling to me, the appearance, connection, relevance, intensity and timing. Not everything means something, but when you start to see an overall pattern, there is something to be learned.

Sometimes I use Tarot or Oracle cards to help me gain some perspective or understanding. Due to the nature of my monsters I am prone to analyze conversations, actions, inactions, silences…etc…. Sometimes it is very helpful, as long as I can maintain a somewhat neutral observation stance. It gets dangerous if the anxiety paranoia monsters get in on it. It’s a crap shoot sometimes. But when it’s good, it helps me be accountable for my actions, it helps me understand the people around me, be empathetic in a healthy way. When it’s not I can be clingy, dramatic and need constant reassurance, moody and manipulative.

The relationships I have chosen so far to examine were ones that have shown up at watershed moments in my life.

Each of these relationships have taught me so much on spiritual, emotional and resilience levels, that I have only begun to understand some of these lessons. The gratitude for this is emerging, as am I, to celebrate the help, support and joy I have experienced, as well the pain, betrayal, grief and fear in some of these connections. 

One of the biggest, most epic journeys is the first one up. This one saw me from a young teen, to a young woman, into the age I am now. It has taught me more about forgiveness, peace and strength over the years than I ever thought possible.

Next Up: TFTFL: Two Drowning Kids Cling To Each Other 

Emerging

There comes a moment 

when you are struggling against the dark tide

The noise ceases

It is no longer oppressive, 

But weightless

Fear is lifted

Shame liquifies, evaporates

And the knowledge comes

With that

perhaps peace

Perhaps hope 

returns trust

Sovereignty of self

Faith

The pain still present

The frustration still palatable

Calmly acknowledged, accepted

No more struggle, release

The tide gently carries toward the soft first light

There comes a moment

Wake Me in the Night

A shiver down my spine as your lips pass over my skin.

My eyes closed, I am still

I follow along in my minds eye as you chart your way along my body, 

Lines of heat, tongue traced, a sigh.

My heart flutters, you find the sacred domain, 

I call out to the Gods

The cresting wave, the crash

Catch my breath

Calm settles over

Until it begins again

Delicious torture 

Tales From the Front Line- Matter, Spirit, Past and how I see it tying in

I am a Pagan. I do not represent any one other than myself. I am a polytheist. There are many Gods/Goddess I recognize and worship. I believe that they show us signs and messages. I believe we have Guides, Totems, and Anscestors that help us along if we listen and are mindful. I believe in Prayer and Meditation. Not in order to have your problems taken from you and solved, but to help you access the strength and wisdom to navigate through life.  I believe that you have the right to celebrate and worship who you want, and that we must be respectful to each other about these matters.

I believe am a spiritual being. Therefore part of my spiritual practice to help manage my mental health also involves self care on many other facets including, physical, sexual, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual. This can be hard to manage when the anxiety monsters come, these are the first things they shut down. I did not understand the importance of this as much in my younger years as I have since turning 40. My spiritual practice is the deepest it has ever been in this life. I have much to learn. I’m also trying to figure out the timing to address all facets of health, that can be a full time job in and of itself. A huge priority has been placed on my health, physical and mental.

I believe we pass through here more than once. 

I believe we are connected on different levels with different people at different times. Sometimes we can’t explain it, we just feel it. There are ways of trying to explore those connections by different forms of channelling and divination. 

I have used my own form of connection with the Ether to try to understand some relationships I have in this incarnation. 

How one comes to those conclusions and the methods used may not fit into your particular belief framework

That is perfectly ok. We can just agree, that at one time or another we all have felt connected to another person or animal on a different, deeper level. 

I believe we tend to be with the same souls much of the time. We don’t come back continually in the same combinations (you are always the husband or the wife), I believe we inhabit all manner of humans as we pass through here on repeated returns. So in one life, mother, daughter, possibly in another, brother, sister, or maybe co-workers. 

It may not be a good connection either, it’s easy to romanticize the thought of moving through lifetimes with someone. Sometimes the relationship that has the strongest past life/ karmic connections will have some of the biggest challenges to face. It is amazing to me how much we can change and grow, if we address past life issues not yet finished. It is amazing how this can effect family karma (or curses if you will), to change for the better.

I believe there is a balance between some events that need to happen for our souls growth and to deepen our connection the the Goddess/Gods, and random stuff making us a player in someone else’s growth. 

I believe that I am here to be of service. 

To be able to help people. I am blessed enough to have been gifted a few talents that seem to make a difference for people. People who want to be seen, for who they are and who the aspire to be. People who have wounds that they just want acknowledged, who just want to not be judged. Who want find a way to ease their pain. I am not claiming that I can cure anything. Far from it. But I seem to be able to help people open up to their vulnerability and express their emotion about their pain, and that seems to have an enormous effect on how they cope with their challenges. I am honoured to support. 

There can be a dark side to this. 

When I start to believe that I am the one helping, doing. When I forget I am a facilitator, not the ‘owner’. That is when the anxiety begins. I feed off the external acceptance. I let that dictate my self worth. It becomes a hunger that is not satiated for long. How much I am needed, how much gratitude I am shown, all become my mission. I let matter rule over spirit. The monsters get restless and they begin their run. 

I have mental illness, due to experiences in my life I have chemical changes, and altered pathways that can control how I react in perceived stressful situations. But there are things that I can do to slow, decrease and mitigate an impending anxiety attack/episode. 

When the monsters start to take over, it is here I know I have lost my grounding, and I need some time to reflect before the anxiety gets worse. Often I see that I am eating more sugar than I should be, not exercising as much, not writing or meditating or sleeping very well. That I have overextended myself, taken on too much. Triggers can pop up with out warning. Sometimes I fail to address it. Sometimes I don’t have time to catch it. I end up in it, ride it out and dissect it afterward. I am learning to set up more effective boundaries, the value of ‘no’ and separation of what is mine vs what is not.

One of the first things I try to come back to is grounding myself and calling on the Ether, my Guides, my Gods, to help me find the way back. 

To breathe, to be grateful for what comes my way. 

To make peace and not condemn myself for the anxiety getting a momentary step up on me.

To step outside myself and see if I can give a hand up, an ear, company in the dark, bright connection in the light to someone who needs it. 

To listen to my intuition, not my fear. 

I spend time in Nature, meditation, time at my altar, reflecting and writing.

To me, not only is it important to understand my current life, monsters and reactions so I can be a better human. I also believe understanding my connection to the Goddess/Gods and the Universal Conscious Energy that binds us all will aid in healing, understanding my purpose and better control over my mental illness.

Witch Know Thyself-