Category: Uncategorized

An Open Letter to My Massage Friends and Clients

To All my Therapist Friends, and anyone who misses massage
One of the things I have noticed having been in this field for such a long time is that there is a general quality most therapists have, we genuinely want to help people. We want to see people be a better version of themselves. We want to do the best we can for them. I am proud that the therapists I know are extremely diligent in their client care. They are well educated, compassionate people. But we are very human too.
When we were first asked to close because of the pandemic, there was much fear about our practices, our clients, our finances. How long would this last? What were we going to do? How would we, and by extension, our clients manage?
We adapted
In that time since we shuttered I have talked with many of the therapists I know. Many set up contact with their regular clients, keeping up with check ins and reminders of self care. Many are trying to calmly just wait it out. Many are just in limbo, doing the best they can. We talked of how we were feeling, the frustration at not being able to work, concern about finance, wanting to be out in the world. Hoping for a quick and secure resolution.
We are now facing something else, even more nerve wracking that what we were facing a mere eight weeks ago. The anxiety, fear and anger is palpable.
The powers that be, feel we are ready to start opening, slowly. Our profession is slated as ‘phase 2’. This announcement first brought with it some hurt prideful feelings, how were we not considered as important as hairstylists (somehow they are in phase 1). Even client’s of mine were wondering why we weren’t given the same priority as physios and such. Then there was a collective pause.
We see many of those slated for the first wave of opening are asking why? Shouldn’t we wait longer? Is it really safe? Others are relieved to be able to start getting out in the world. But in the same breath we are told we are going to start opening up, we are told that not all the symptoms are as they appear, we are to maintain social distancing, there will be a second wave that threatens to be much worse than the first wave. Can we really trust the majority of the public will be responsible with social distancing and general common sense?
The numbers have not spiked in an uncontrollable way. But there has been no significant decrease either. On paper it looks to be on the rise, but the math must be considered. There is more testing available, we must also look at the number of resolved cases and of that, the percentage of fatal cases. But this brings little comfort, with the din of all other mixed messages. Pictures of unsafe gatherings of people, people protesting to have things of convenience reopen. The community spread that has become more prevalent.
There is no clear plan of how we practice safely, for ourselves and our clients. Are we going to be forced to practice? If we personally choose to wait will the government cut aid off? Is it worth it? Will people come back?
There is no specific answer to even the simplest of questions. Colleagues have been directed to watch the training for what nurses need to observe for physical safety to work with people. From what I have seen, I am not even sure when that would be available, how to locate the approved type or what the cost of that kind of PPE would be. Not to mention that it would not be conducive to an effective massage at all.The fear is understandable, we work, for an extended period of time, in very close proximity to our clients. So now we wait, we wait to see how the early and first phase roll out. There will be much to learn here. Much to consider.
The only thing I can say, is trust your gut my therapist friends. Follow the science, use your best judgment. When or if you choose to work, follow the rules, keep everything clean. Some of us will go back to work as soon as the green light hits.Some of us will ease back into it.Some of us will wait.Some of us may not come back.
Let’s support each other. Do not judge another for their choice to work, wait or not. Pass helpful information. Be understanding of the fear and anxiety. Most of all be safe.
Take care my friends

TFTFL- Confusion in the Muck

This battle.

This fucking battle….. 

To start off with the , ‘we are in unprecedented times,’ (no shit Sherlock), is a patronizing sticky glob. I think by now most people recognize that since the last official World War, there has not been an event that has effected people on such a large scale.

Will it go back to normal? What was normal? What will we try to take away from this? At this moment, sitting in my chair, trying to focus on the task at hand (it is not this I can assure you) I don’t fucking care what human kind decides. I am trying to decide what will get me through the day. I believe this is where many people are at. 

The pandemic and its isolating measures have compressed many things. We can not be together, we are told to rely on electronic communication. We know how often electronic communication is miscommunication. Everything is a dichotomy. There is no right way to handle what these times bring, yet we are all so vocal about what we need, it feels like constant chatter that no one is actually listening to.

In the shut down, important tools have been taken away from people that help them in their daily lives. This is what is eating at me. This is what is dissolving me. This is what is defeating me. 

I am still trying to be helpful, maintain purpose, be the thing I want have in this world. Offer space, reminders of self care, empathy. Not only to those I can (family, friends, clients), but to myself. It is wearing thin.

There is now speak of going back to work. Being able to resume getting people back on my table. In my heart I know how badly some need this. I know how badly I need to do this. I love my job, it fills my cup. And trust me, I do have gratitude. I am terrified.

I have been shown much appreciation and love and kindness over this last while. People letting me know that my messages of kindness, respect and empathy have been helpful, checking in with them has meant so much. That I am missed, valued and they can not wait until we can see each other again. For this I am grateful.

Yet today I feel so broken, so fake, so tired, so full of fucking pain. Full of fear that I can not do this any more. 

As my clients have come to rely on massage to alleviate their pain levels so they can function, feel whole, connected, calm and that their core person is valued enough to receive that care, I have come to rely on the same. 

My body had determined about two years ago, that weekly treatment worked best. This is a unique thing, to find the rhythm of care, but I had. My own chronic clients understand this all too well. We get maintenance care (some things can not be fixed, just patched ), and due to lifestyle, and other factors those patches can wear off in a week, two, maybe even a month. Then the pain and/or disfunction return, sometimes creeping in, sometimes like a freight train. To those that do not live in my head or body, my weekly treatment may have appeared excessive. It is has now been weeks since I last received the skilled hands on that help to let me function, move, think and feel ‘normal’. I am acutely aware of how far down I am.

Old injuries that are destroying my joints are screaming. I can not move with out feeling something sharp, restricted and weak. I have been mildly joking I am like a T-Rex. There have been moments i need my daughter to brush and pull my hair into a ponytail, because I have neither the range or strength to do it. I try to push to exercise (this is a much needed piece to myself care ) but it too has become a source of frustration rather than salvation. My mental health pain is determined to make its presence physically known, is at levels that are making rational emotional thought a monumental task. The physical and mental pain has become a loop.

So my voice is added to the babble. Lost in the expressed chorus of wants and needs of others. Trying to catch myself and the negative patterning. Trying to not take others (non)reactions personally. Trying to allow for understanding. I feel like I am screaming into the ether. I feel like I do nothing but complain.

‘Buck up. Shit has to be done. No point in whining. I HURT. I can not keep doing this. Pain meds hardly work. I need a soft place of understanding, not patronizing. Thank you for the love. Fuck why can’t you hear me? I’ll stop talking about it. Please listen I am not well. I am fine, it just is what it is. Do you see now why care is so important? FUCK THIS!! Please hear me, talk with me. LEAVE ME ALONE. I just want to get dressed with out feeling nauseous. I want to sleep. Don’t patronize me I am not weak. Help me please.’

I work at distraction, try to busy myself to be of service where I can. Step out when the noise becomes too much. To ride through the sharper parts of the pain. To manage what I can.

I am tired. How do I navigate getting ready to go again, with whatever version of normal that will be? When I am not sure I have even been navigating the now with any great aplomb. I feel for my daughter, trying to help her move through her altered life. My husband, my friends who all face their own challenges, all have their own needs. How to make it fit. Make it work.

So as I sit here, in my chair, desperately trying to focus on the task at hand, the refrain that the powers that be keep telling us, ‘we are all in this together.’ is thrumming the the fog of my brain, and all I can think is that I think, I have never felt so alone.

How are you doing?

Tomorrow is another day. 

Middle of the Night

Tired does not begin to describe

Torn does not even come close

You don’t see me

You don’t hear me, unless you need

It’s your need, your play ground

You say ‘I know you work hard’

But the list of to do becomes longer

You tell me how things should be

But wait to see if I lead, guide or just do

You don’t see me

You don’t hear me, unless you need

It’s your need, your playground

I repeat, I repeat so often

You say ‘how was I supposed to know?’

I am so tired, I am so torn, I am so hollow

You don’t see me, you don’t hear me

Ghosts

I saw a few things I wanted to pass along to you. Things I thought would make you laugh or at least a moment of respite from life. I caught myself….almost too late.  I remembered. You are not there. It would be lost to the ether. By choice or by design some endings will never be understood. 

I miss you. I miss laughing with you. I miss our interesting and challenging conversations. I miss the meals we shared. I missed the fun we created. 

This hit home this morning. I dreamt of you and others I have lost. We were at a table filled with oddities, pretties and food, we were celebrating with so many more friends and family, those I brought to you, and you to me, that have intertwined our lives. When I woke you were still untouchable, lost.

I popped online and the first thing I saw, I knew would make you laugh……. and it began again.

I wish you peace, you touched my life in ways I can’t explain. Some day the loss of you will sting a little less and the remembered laughter will feel a little warmer. Until then……

Pieces

Her voice came out in pieces.

Important words lost to silence 

Her meaning distorted by perception 

Her voice came out in pieces 

Soft words of understanding devoured 

Her own requests spat out like gristle 

Her voice came out in pieces 

The songs others wanted to hear 

Pulled from the fragments 

Her voice came out in pieces 

Although she thought she spoke well 

She came to understand it was in a language no one knew 

Her voice stayed whole inside her

TFTFL- Isolation and My Monsters

For most of my life, my anxiety issues, at their very worst, have lead me to feeling isolated. Trapped inside my own head. It is a lonely, loud place, it can be very dark. 

In my mid twenties for a time, I became agoraphobic, I was able to go from work to home, and that was all. Anywhere else was like torture, vertigo, nausea, my ears would ring and it took a lot of control not to cry. I had every excuse in the book to find ways to stay home. 

During that time I also became anxious and fearful of using the phone. 

I learned then, that having few trusted people in close in physical proximity was very helpful to me amongst other things.

It took the better part of two years before my anxiety about being in the outside world eased gradually. It took until this past winter (20+ years) for me to use the phone and not feel severely ill. It was a goal I had set for myself this past fall. Another goal I had set was to conquer a different social anxiety that had set in in the last couple of years. More recently, symptoms of social anxiety had again begun to show. This time it has manifested in getting together with people I know. We used to be known for our gatherings, meals and parties, but that came to crashing halt after my 45th birthday.  There are a series of pin point triggers that I have identified, but have not yet been able to get past with much success. But I was determined. I was going to try to host a Spring Equinox dinner, or at least celebrate my birthday this year. Then Covid took over the world.

We are now asked to isolate. We are encouraged to keep in contact at a distance. We are being asked to save physical lives by limiting physical contact. There has been some discussion of how this will affect mental health. But this will be a cost for so many tallied well into the future.

I have learned that a good portion of my emotional and mental health wellbeing is contingent on physical contact and conversation. I also invest heavily into my job and life to be of service. Currently this has become somewhat impossible. 

I am trying to be adaptable. I am trying to reach out, I am trying to be open and understanding. I am trying to be hopeful. I am trying to create what I can for myself and others. I am trying to be gracious for all the kindness and connection I have received. I am trying to stay a float. I am trying to use my awareness of mental health to be proactive, helpful and supportive.

The fatigue with this is not just my own. I know the people around me are feeling it too. Not only the ones with existing mental health issues, but those that until now, have never experienced mental health problems. I know that we all respond differently to these difficulties. Some close in and down, some reach out and try to be proactive. 

My own anxiety has me fighting myself not to take lack of communication personally. Has me fighting myself that reaching out does not make me annoying or overly needy. Yet… I have hit reoccurring patterns. I have come up against my own expectations of what I am willing to do for others, but do not feel is being invested back. I am up against wondering why I matter less to some than others. Has me second guessing my energy investments. Things I believe I had made peace with and moved past. It has me giving in to letting the physical pain I feel exacerbate the fog and pain in my head. I can feel the fog, the heightened drama, the things the monsters believe are unforgivable pieces of me. I am fighting. I am winning slightly more than I am losing this week. But the battles are getting bigger.

This is not the time. This is not the time to be taken down from the inside. This is not the time to give in to the paranoia. This is not the time to give up asking for what I need. This is not the time to recede from what I can give to those who need more than I do regardless of their ability to create reciprocal support. This is not the time.

I am trying to be gentle with others, myself and the world as we navigate the now and what is to come next. I am frightened. I am tired. I am sad. 

In moments I also can feel hopeful, calm, engaged in helping.

All I can say- keep an eye on yourself, and on those around you. We need each other more than ever. We need kindness, forgiveness and compassion. If you need contact, tell someone. It is easy to let people slip away. It is easy to fall into moments of scarcity and self preservation. But that is not the lesson here.

Hold space, love and kindness. Check in, check often. Share love, kind word, even a hello. It doesn’t have to be big or time consuming, but it can make the difference to how we survive this.

Thanks for reading.

TFTFL: Virus Interruptus- This Effing Sucks

I have been wrestling with much in my head. There is so much I want to write, so many pieces to our current situation I want to dissect and understand. But nothing was coming. It’s a jumble. So I shall begin with myself. Not the science of the virus. Not the frustration with the politic. Not with the frustration of the public. Not the admiration of humanity. But with me. In my heart I know the majority of you out there are going to share in much of what I am saying. I know fundamentally my experience is not unique. I know that some people are in far more dire circumstances than I. 

When this viral freight train started baring down on the place where I live, I made some very conscious decisions for my mental health. I would limit negative and hysterical social media. Look to reputable resources for information. Stay in contact with trusted people. Be of service when and where I can. Get rest, eat responsibly and follow my self care plan. Ask for help when I need. Be easy on myself about my daily to do lists. 

With every rise in number affected, hysterical reaction (toilet paper?! I mean come on…), good and questionable government response, restriction of places to go and number of people to see, I kept to my plan.

The last few days have gotten harder. Where I am, we are near the start of the third week of ‘social distancing.’ The restrictions have continued to tighten as portions of the public are not heeding the advice of the very well trained doctors. nurses and scientists. This is frustrating, and by far one the scariest pieces to this. People’s need to be extreme, it either complete lockdown, or just amble along and what ever will happen will happen. The fear, frustration and confusion are palpable for this Empath. Even sitting in the quiet dark of the early morning as I am now, when I am disconnected from the internet and tv, I can feel it lapping at me, like ocean waves moving up the beach at high tide. I have been diligent about checking in on people I care about. Knowing that this situation negatively impacts mental health and communication and support are key. But we are all feeling it and the struggle to maintain balance is getting harder.

I had read an account from someone in China, where they are much farther down this path than we are, that the third week is the hardest. That after that point, it was almost a resignation to the new normal. We are in the start of week three here, and I feel my hope shrinking, I feel the isolation eating at me.

In the last few days, my wide circle of support has shrank, everyone is trying to come to their own terms of what this means financially, physically and emotionally for their own immediate families. The fear is rising as there is much confusion and frustration trying to access programs for financial help, figure out education for our kids and try to gauge what are the normal responses to this very abnormal situation. So they are closing ranks, closing down. Even within my home, where thankfully I am not alone, I have my husband and my daughter. Each of us trying to manage our own and help each other. But the fractures are beginning to show.

My husband still has his job, the hours are iffy, but we are thankful. He is our house’s designate to go out into the ghostly world. It is scary out there, it is different. I don’t envy that. He is inundated with being out there, so he is remiss to discuss much of it when he gets home, he is quite silent as he is trying to cope with his stress response to this. At first this wasn’t the case, there was still lively discourse and positivity that this is all temporary. But it is wearing on him. He doesn’t want to rehash the politic or the new numbers, he sees it all day long. He is frustrated. He is tired.

My eleven year old daughter is trying to come to grips with the loss of school, dance and her social circle. I am trying to help her navigate assimilating all of this, keep her engaged, entertained and educated. She has no sibling in the house with which to spend time with. She uses social media, but I am the only warm human body in the house all day, and given how scary the world is, I am the one she is stuck to. She is frustrated, scared and bored.

I love these two with my whole heart. I deeply care for my friends and clients as well. I have been doing my best to forage ahead, plan, encourage, support and acknowledge the individual feelings. I have done my best to stay informed enough to calmly pass along good information. 

The last two days have been by far the hardest. I have not been reaching out just to check in on others, but I have been reaching out for my own mental health. When the question comes of “how are you?” I pass it off with a trite- ‘surviving like the rest of us.’ But with it wearing on all of us, I have not felt I can speak up much, desperately wanting someone to ask, or at the very least see me. I feel guilty complaining. It feels wrong asking for the type of support I know others need, probably worse than I do. I feel weak for whining. I feel bad saying I need.

I need adult interaction. I need recognition that I too have lost my job, part of my identity. I am not in my element homeschooling, I am afraid, I am angry, I am terrified how this is affecting my child and I am not doing the right things to safe guard her emotionally and mentally. I don’t know the right thing to do. I feel lesser than, because I am not contributing to my household financially. I feel useless I can not treat my clients.

I need it acknowledged that MY feelings are valid and worthy of compassion and space to express, not comparison, overridden or “well it’s everywhere and we are all going through this, others have it worse.” I need it acknowledged that I am grieving the temporary loss of my jobs, which are a major way that I am able to help others. 

I need it acknowledged that in navigating the responsible restrictions we have been given, I have had to give up an important parts of my own self care. Therefore my body pain is staying elevated, my anxiety is humming. This in turn is making some of my other selfceare avenues of exercise and meditation harder. I need my tears dried. I need it acknowledged that for me, right now, this FUCKING SUCKS DONKEY BALLS. I need a big hug. 

And so, after a good cry in the bathroom, or in the dark of the early morning, after venting blindly to you my readers, I will get on with it. I will check in and still help where I can. I will cheerlead, I will support, I will navigate, I will educate. I will cook, clean, try to bring something helpful and beautiful to the world. I will get on with it. You will get on with it. We will get on with it.

Thank you for reading. Be kind. Be smart. Be aware. Be compassionate.