Writers Block

I’ve been trying to write for weeks.

It is something that sustains me, it is something that heals me and when I don’t feel heard it as a way to make my voice amplified, to connect and not feel so stuck in my head.

There’s been points in my life where I stepped away from it, much to my detriment.

A few years back, with a renewed energy the stories began to pour out, I committed to working on the shadow side of myself, and from there a few narratives were born. There was some collaboration, tidal wave of inspiration and such trust that the stories and essays would flow.

While this particular bout of writer’s block feels like it came on just after the start of the pandemic, truly, when I look back, it has been a slow death since last fall.

First the fiction. There was the death of two cherished characters. They showed such promise and longevity, and were exhilarating to write.

But unfortunately that once promised epic story has became representative of what has become a bittersweet and painful period for me. In a tortuous narrative, (as devastating as I felt) they met their end. Silenced, stopped in mid journey. In the ether they now languish.

Though I did find the courage just before shut down to submit a short version to a few publications.

There has been a fair amount of interest in what may have come next and some suggestions for editing. The real possibilities to see it in print.

But now I am frozen. I can not bring myself to open the file, to polish it up and let it move forward. I did not anticipate how raw I still feel about all that was lost at that time, including the grief about the two leads. How much I miss them. How much they still have to say.

I’ve been able to hiccup some poems and the odd paragraph out, but even the ability to write essays has withered.

Those are my best connection to navigate the world around me and my mental health. But it has been near impossible to write anything I feel confident with.

I want to add hope, insight and support to the people that read my stuff. But all I can muster is despondent rage, and no adequate words to explain.

Life as we knew it has always had its hardships. But this global clusterfuck has added a layer of grimy soot that has not left anyone untouched.

I wait… wait for the words to come. I hope that there are characters choose to speak. I hope the characters ( myself) I laid waste to may someday forgive me. I wait for wisdom, knowledge and hope to share. I wait for the insight to be able to move through, over, under or around this block that feels insurmountable.

I wait….

Realizations of the soul

I closed my eyes to the sun. It’s early morning fire burning behind my lids. Do the Gods hear me?

I pray the heat ignites my determination. Keep moving forward, it’s the only place to go.

Pull the brambles from my cloak as I keep moving towards the light, away from this dark bog, fraught with prickles, poisonous thorns and things that bite from the shadows.

I call out, the echo answers.

Exhausted, my flesh longs to rest on the cool moss, allowing the bog to swallow me whole.

Slow through the mud, each step a 1000 pounds.

Will I find myself? Will I find the soul kin I believed were there? Was this all just a theatre for the trickster’s amusement?

When I was nameless, I could feel them, hear them.

I claimed my name, they faded violently from my grasp.

I open my eyes to the sun. Memories serve only to puncture.

The only message from the Gods is too keep moving, nameless once again.

Moon

I closed my eyes. Let Her silver glow wash over me.

The words I long to have heard, I speak to Her through still lips.

The coolness of the air prickling my skin, little reminders of how alive I really am.

My cheeks are wet, I am comforted by her soft embrace.

Blessed are the children of the Moon, for no Mother is more forgiving of our shortcomings than She.

DM.

Downturn in Covid-Upturn in Human Rights and The Mental Monster Dance

I woke up at 2 am feeling sick, dizzy and weepy. The monsters are loud today. 

It’s been a couple of weeks since my anxiety had gotten the better of me. And for that I’m proud that I have been keeping it at bay. Given what’s going on globally, personally and adding the extra fun of a full moon and eclipse just to rev things up, it hasn’t been easy to keep my own monsters quiet. 

I had stepped outside of my own head in some ways in this last while. But I have had to look at my own self and the system I was born into. I have wept for the dead and the oppressed. 
I have equally wept and been enraged by the system I live in. A system that does not really protect women, but I’m still steps ahead on that being white and not a POC. I am enraged at knowing having mental health issues have also put me in a place to be judged and vulnerable, but I’m still steps ahead because I am white and not a POC. 

I know I am still privileged. I have spent this last while trying to learn. Learn the permissive history that allows this. Not the stuff we’ve been taught ( the bullshit written by the oppressors), but the stories and history of the real people that have all been but buried deep. I have been reading, watching and asking questions so I can put my voice and my privilege to better use. 

I have taken for granted that my fight for mental health, my fight for feminism, my allyship with LGBTQ was enough, I was woke.

I have now been schooled, that while these are very valid, very needed battles, but I have been over looking the very real need for inclusion and visibility for POC in these causes as well. That my voice could not just represent my point of view of feeling oppressed within these channels ( it feels wrong to even say that atm), I now need to champion, and pull forward with me the POC fighting for survival every day with these same issues, only compounded and very oppressed due to the colour of their skin. I have committed in my heart to keep learning, listening and doing what I can, from where I am. 

But today my battle is mine. There are still very hard moments of my own self journey that easily defeat me. I woke, not only with the big physical symptoms of a major ‘mental monster take down’ but a random list on screaming repeat in my head. 

  • why are you trying to help the world at large when you still have so much mess of your own? 
  • You are not enough to do anything helpful
  • Why do you keep letting the same things in to eat at you? 
  • You get played so easily, and you are stupid for believing in the good of people. 
  • You don’t mean nearly as much to those around you as you think. 
  • I’m told I have a great ability to read people and see who they really are meant to be. I want to trust that. I know I see that. Yet I am left with confusion about why some things are the way they are, and if I really have that ability or I’m just foolish in empathy and forgiveness? 
  • I am fearful, I have asked some questions that there have been no answers to, or confusing signs ( I see those often too, but am now prone to second guessing).
  • Needing answers – so I can quit having the possible false narratives rolling around my head and be able to cleanly heal, move forward and get what I need. 
  • I need my emotional and rational brain to work together, when it comes to my own matters.
  • I have to stop needing to believe I should matter to all those who, at some point mattered so much to me, needing to be validated that I gave something good, that distance isn’t always my fault, that I am not hated or disrespected. That I am not the monster I have been made to feel I am.
  • I need to remember even though the defeating silence and invisibility I feel rip at me, there is someone, somewhere who hears and sees, and it matters, I just might not know it. 
  • That my discomfort in some situations does not mean enough to be eased by the people around and I should take it for the warning it is…. this is the hardest. For the acceptance of this will change some fundamental things in my life, some connections and events I viewed very differently than what they are really appearing to be. This will change how and why I connect with people. This will take work to not let it make me bitter while I work through living grief and disappointment. 

Today my battle is within. Today I must reestablish the team I need ( now that Covid is easing) to willingly and supportively help me move mentally, emotionally and physically forward. Today I need myself more than others need me. When I can muster getting myself off the floor, dry my eyes, and straightening my crown, I will once again raise my voice, not only for me, but for those that need it more. AKF 💜

After This Week

What I am going to do to help. 

I will show up. 

I will ask questions.

I will be willing to listen openly.

I will be willing to learn.

I will be willing to stand by those of any colour, orientation, gender, and faith- with the understanding that they to should be willing to stand by others. 

I will use my place and my voice to raise awareness, educate and change.

I admit that I have biases I have never really questioned. 

I admit that I have stood by the sidelines because ‘it doesn’t really affect me.’

I admit that there are experiences I will never have due to who I am.

I am sad. I am angry. I am horrified.

I am hopeful. I am ready to fight for you.

Growing Pains

You wake up one morning and feel it. 

You can’t ignore it any more You’ve been talking a great game – but action? Nah, fear holds you back. 

This morning I knew- what I thought had been a Phoenix rising moment for me a few years ago was completely false. There was only rising on wax wings. 

It was just the real beginning of my Tower collapse ( those of you familiar with Tarot will get the reference).

Aspects of my self had started emerging. Other pieces ripped away. Continually masks being pulled off. People moving in and out and around my life with alarming speed. Facilitating much creation, joy and destruction, grief. Wonderful things introduced to explore, teased and then taken away. My darkness and light mixing like ink and water. 

This last 8 months especially, I have felt raw. Pulled open, heart dissected. No skin, no face. A collection of demons, damage, scars, pain, faith, love, humility, inquisitiveness, hope and beauty. 

I jumped deep into exploring my Faith, Beliefs, Myself. Looking for reflections of myself in the things around me. Not always liking what I see. Falling deeply in love with who I want to be, and bringing her to life. This work is hard. This work is lonely. 

I still want my Village 

I still want my Circle

to celebrate and work with.

 But first I must find my Village within. My circle around myself. No one will accept me as I am, until I accept myself. 
It is not a straight line. It is ongoing. 

I am love. I am light. I am dark. I am sadness. I am joyful. I am powerful. I am weak. I am intense. I am needy. I am giving. I am compassion. I am empathy. I am love. I am broken. I am whole. I see the best in myself. I see the best in others. 
I have talents, gifts, knowledge and love to share. 

The fire is burning bright. The ashes will scatter. And finally the imperfect Phoenix will begin to rise. 

Tired Thoughts

Vulnerability is to be strong. So I have read. We all have the desire to be loved, encouraged and accepted for who we are.

There was so much more I was going to write. And part way through, I realized it is pointless.

Wether I am kind or cutting. Giving or closed off. It will never be correct as people put their own meaning on the things others do. We will always be the bad guy or the weak jerk in someone’s story, no matter the intent.

It’s easy to let that removed judgement defeat us. Turn us cold, label people as toxic, cruel – hold on to anger, hurt.
To stop trying, loving, understanding, trusting, accepting, respecting, connecting……. we do not allow vulnerability, where true healing is found.
We turn this on ourselves, to reinforce kindness comes with payment, we are unworthy of love and acceptance, we are unworthy of working towards better.
And so the cycle goes.

Whether I am a good character or bad character in the story you tell yourself- I can not change this. But I am learning to accept I am a whole character trying hard to hang on in a world that makes it very hard to be vulnerable, content, kind and forgiving.

❤️

Covid Rage

Here it is folks- This day’s contemplation rant, RAGE. 

I am tired. I have been trying for quite a while now to find the right words, to express myself about what is happening in my life, my community, my province, my country, my world. 

Humanity does not seem to be winning. I see so much fear, misinformation and emotional hostage taking, Random arguments picked. Desperation to get back to what was, with out considering the cost. Resistance to what could be, because it seems unclear. 

The din of voices drowning out common sense and decency. We are a bunch of selfish toddlers in this society. 

So, from my cosy little corner on the couch, with coffee in hand, well aware of the world’s ills and that everyone is entitled to their own opinion, I shall say this with much frustrated love- 

SHUT THE FUCK UP. 

Just for a minute.

Everyone take a collective breath. 

Here it is as I see it (make no bones, I KNOW in so many ways I am privileged, but there is much of my life that has not been.) So here goes.

You- yeah you over there thinking your ‘rights’ are being taken away by being told to stay home, wear a mask and practice social distancing, putting off some vanity haircut, tanning whatever. Where the hell is your social consciousness?! Are you so selfish that you can not look beyond your own wants- make no mistake that is what they are, wants, not needs. Just because it might not be someone in your immediate circle affected does not mean it won’t eventually affect you- perhaps you aren’t invincible, you can get sick too. And to clarify, WE ALL have to right to be SAFE, not the ‘right’ for a dye job…… stop letting your privilege show.

And you over there- whining that we are being too cautious because the numbers in Canada have stayed relatively low- HOW else do you think that happened? Your logic makes as much sense as putting a helmet on immediately after falling off your bike and dripping your brains on the sidewalk. 

All the rally cries of all the things that kill more people a year- we know- but your comparisons are faulty, for most of your arguments about diseases, there are treatments (not perfect) available to help or those numbers would be much higher. For the comparisons about mental health, addiction, suicide and domestic violence, this current state of the world is going to elevate those numbers astronomically- this will be the third deadly wave of the pandemic. SO rather than wringing your hands what are we going to do? How are you going to be proactive, so the numbers don’t get any higher. By the way, as of this writing over 320,000 people have died from this single virus )

Now, let’s move past us average folks, who by and large are really doing the best we can with what we have. Most of our anger, fear and frustration comes from what we are being shown and told by the powers that are in charge. The bullshit some of you are willing to buy into. Look what it’s turning you into, turning you blind to…….This is where my real vitriol is. 

There are many I could call out by name, not just the few I am willing to, but these are just the examples of what horrifies me most about the world I am raising my daughter in.

Hey, Jeff Bezos, Richard Branson, Kevin O’Leary, Brett Wilson, and all of you with more money that you actually need. Put your money where your mouth is. 

You want congrats Jeff for providing your staff T-shirts that say Frontline hero’s ? Fuck you- pay them living wages, proper benefits. 

Hey Brett, how would your Grandparents or Mom feel about knowing you think their lives are expendable? Proud they raised such an upstanding man? 

Same for you Richard, you could help out the poorest of the poor, and it would not even cause a major hiccup in your bank account. 

And Kevin, your politic of putting money before the well being of the average person is disgusting. 

But hey, if the politicians are going to allow it and play ball in your arena then it must be ok. Right?! 

You tell them the only way to get our economy going is to listen to you because ‘look what we’ve built’- beats chest mightily in the process…. On who’s backs? The people you won’t take care of, but will willingly sacrifice to illness and death, which is more likely due to socioeconomic standing than luck. 

And all you ‘self made millionaires’, 

1: You weren’t self made, there were many who helped you, who you used and stepped on on your way to the bloat. 

2: No more bullshit that this system can be accessed by anyone, it’s not, it never has been, it’s rigged in favour of white males. The few not from that particular ilk who have busted through the ranks are mostly the ones doing the quiet helpful work now.

3: Really not your fault that you have been sheltered by a corrupt political system, you’re just using what’s there. Kinda like bloated ticks on a poor hound.

The banks too- It is so tempting at this point to want to scratch my eyes out if I see one more ‘we are here to help you in these uncertain times’ commercial. NO YOU ARE NOT. Smoke and mirrors, you will not sacrifice profit, bonuses or payouts to your investors to help me with my business or home, I’d have to already be rich for you to approve me.

My real dislike is for some very specific Politicians willing to continually gut the system, especially now, during this very uncertain time. 

Your constituents need help- Yes Jason Kenney, this one is personal. Even before the pandemic hit you were systematically wanting to emulate your hero trump. 

Your priority should have been helping our Indigenous Peoples access clean water, better education/social programs and cultural education- nope, let’s focus on an out of date industry.

Your priority should have been education, helping make it affordable for all, instilling diversified programs to build up multiple industries in our province- nope. Let’s cut funding for all schools- starting with primary, classes of 30-50 are fine, we will standardize, no one needs critical thinking skills anyway (that might lead to questions). Teachers don’t need more resources, kids don’t need programs to help them navigate social or mental health issues. Special programs aren’t needed to help educate- they may not come out with much but what does it matter no one fails anyway because we don’t have the room. 

Oh and those whiny post secondary- you can always (not) get a loan, except we will change those rules, so you better have top grades or you are not worthy. You also better be in an urban centre because you are not worthy of access other wise. Better cut funding to the schools to, for your (imaginary) war room- you know the real important stuff. No arts are needed, they can do with out. But really, since most of us have been home what have we relied on for unity/sanity- THE ARTS.

You hand big O&G companies vast sums of money, without assurances that it would really benefit Albertans, so many up and moved their offices after that. Great plan.

Healthcare- well come on, private is the way to go. Why make a fair access system in the Government, you and your friends can’t make money off of that (yes Shandro I am looking at you).

There are so many other things, taking away access to mostly women’s health procedures, slowly chipping away at rights LGBTQ have fought hard and so richly deserve, I could go on.

And I will- even during this crisis you continue with this bullshit- your southern idol picks a fight with China, you follow suit, you challenge our own national government for money- but mostly for O&G, you wait to see what they are going to give the masses during the pandemic before you decide what you ‘have to do’ for them. Still picking fights with our much needed doctors, so many still planing to leave when the worst of this pandemic subsides, because of you and Shandro.

You throw our own chief medical officer under the bus more than once, and then like a school yard bully, when things show signs of getting better because we follow her advice, decide you now have to give the ‘good’ news so you can look like a good guy. 

You need the economy to get started (as do we all) you announce opening dates and no effing plan, so then you have to walk back on some of it. You say you want a fair equity deal from Ottawa- not for the people just for O&G. You outrightly insult any other industry that may have had a thought to come here to build (your insult to green energy was infantile). I am not against O&G but it must update and diversify if it is to not sink in the tar pits like the dinosaur it is. 

I see much about how all this money used to help us now has to come from somewhere (it did, those are the taxes we pay), and we are not dumb, you will want to claw every bit back- but ask yourself, if you weren’t wasting so much chasing your dream and stroking your privileged buddies, wouldn’t there have been more of OUR money to use for us?

You refuse to help renters (commercial and home) with protections because they can’t pay- Leads me to wonder how many buildings you own. You own pathetic privilege is showing. You congratulate the citizens of Alberta for coming together and helping each other- what else were we going to do? I didn’t see you offering to take a cut in pay (or anyone in your cabinet for that matter) to let that money help out a local business or cover rent for someone? You could survive this pandemic not working for 3 months, It’s getting pretty razor’s edge for me and many I know. I don’t know what’s coming next. I know I can’t really look to you. I don’t trust you. 

We have to fight. You and your cohorts must be help accountable for the things you are trying to slide past us now. You were hired by the masses, (I was not one), but you still work for us and your review is not great. I know there are people who think you are doing a bang up job, but you have spent much time subtly feeding their fear of loosing oil, that sense of us against them. I am glad you are not quite as vile and inept as your orange faced hero, but you really ought to rethink following his lead. 

Meanwhile, WE need to look out for each other, socially, physically and mentally. 

Support local, respect those who have been working this whole time, those now trying to find their way back, be gentle with those fearful.

Wash your hands, wear your masks, be responsible for and to one another. It’s really all we have.

End rant.

Communicate

Communicate. Say what’s on your mind, even if it’s hard. Own how you feel.

Before you open your mouth understand it’s origins. Understand where it comes from, inside you- Do not attack.

Be mindful that you will NOT full understand the motivations of others. Don’t walk away on assumptions. If there are good things to tell, do that too.

For a writer, I have never been good at conveying my personal feelings without over explaining, or thinking that people should just know. These opposite ends of the spectrum are heightened by my mental illness, there seems to be no in-between. It leads me to taking everything personally (victim mind set). “What did I do? How can I fix this?” It leaves very little room for other person because I have created the narrative already.

I have been working on learning the difference between what is mindful compassion for yourself and the other and what is falling on the sword martyrdom.

Falling on the sword martyrdom- “I know I am horrible and I am the reason you are angry/sad. I have ruined everything, but I wouldn’t have if you weren’t so mean. Tell me what i did wrong? But I will change, I will be the perfect one.- or- I have done nothing, I will withdraw, that’ll show them, they will realize what they have done and miss me 😒”

Mindful compassion- “Things seem off, and I am feeling that there is some anger/tension and I’d like to discus the situation. It is making me uncomfortable/sad.”

The catch? The other person may not be receptive to this style, they may not be willing to participate in this way.

The lesson is to not take that personally. Which is hard if you are really trying to come from a place of mindful compassion, and it feels they are not.

It won’t always work. You are still human. They are still human. All you can do is try- especially if the relationship was significant. At least if it can’t be fixed it can go out on a respectful end. And you might be surprised at what you learn, what can be worked on, what can be achieved.

Communicate with intent, love and respect.
Rambling 5 am thoughts…. Thanks for reading

Motherhood and Us

Mother’s day is tomorrow. My Mother’s birthday is in two days, she would have been 79.

There have been years past that the grief ripped at me. I needed my Mom, I needed a her advice on how to be a parent, a wife, me. Other years I feel just a hollow, a wash of grief. This year is different, this year that grief, that longing, is mired up in so many other things, it seems just a piece. All that comes to mind about her is this: I miss and love you Mom, everyday. Happy Mother’s Day. Happy Birthday.

I very much have a kaleidoscope view of what Mother is. I did not raise my first born. He has an amazing Mother that I love and admire. Yet I feel very ‘motherly’ toward him, he is still my child (grown man), and I will be protective of him until my last breath. My daughter, whom I have raised, provides me the day to day prism colours of Motherhood. The intricate dance between the joy and frustration of parenting. The deep connection and love we have, watching her grow, and the bittersweet acknowledgment of her budding autonomy into a young woman. I have been told that I am a mentor and appreciated by some, I hold much gratitude for this, and I feel protective of so many that I know, regardless of age. I believe it is my strong connection to the Goddess that allows this maternal feeling toward life in general to be so present in my life.

So today- in this very skewed world, I am not in a place where I am desperate for my own Mother’s guidance. Perhaps it is because she would not have had experience to draw from to teach me how to be, what to do, right now. Part of me is grateful she is not here, it would be a constant state of worry about her health and what could happen. I am glad she did not see the mess the world has become. But I really could use her hug, a place to weep my tears of frustration and confusion. A place where I could fall apart, just for a moment.

I am feeling ferociously protective of all I know, yet aside from sharing the odd bit of food (doorstep drop off), and removed electronic communication, I don’t feel connected to a majority of my world. To the people I can help, the people I enjoy, I feel cut off, energetically deprived.

My son is safe and healthy, but removed, living his life and I trust doing well. He is very much a young man with a beautiful life of his own, but I worry as does his Mother, these times are messy and we want to make sure he is secure.

I am trying so hard to protect my daughter and guide her through this. Not unscarred, but to trust there will be wisdom that will come from this. To help her keep balanced as best as she can. I allow her to feel as she will, angry, lonely, joy, humour and frustration. There is no handbook for this. It is the best that can be done. I let her know that I am also experiencing these things, and that we will be ok, together.

This Mother’s day is odd. Do I feel like I have been a great mom? No. But I appreciate that all I do comes from a deep love and appreciation of all I have, all the people (born to me and not) that I adore. I believe my children know I will always do what I can to help them be their own best selves. I feel I often come up short, limping along, slipping up in a frustrated moment. I feel all too fragile when I need to be strong. I feel all too stupid, when I should know what to do. I feel all too human, when I really want to be a superhero. The overwhelmed emotion I feel this Mother’s day is not just because I miss my own Mother, it is a reflection of this time we are trying to navigate.

I celebrate all the Mom’s I know – we are tired, frustrated, angry, calm, messy, loving, beautiful and perfectly human. We try so hard and many of us feel we come up short. The emotional load this pandemic has added is unbelievable, we were already operating from an overwhelmed place that we have allowed society to dictate. I admire all the Mom’s (wether you have children born to you, raised them, don’t have any of your own, we all bring the divine maternal to many elements in our lives), I think you are amazing. I think you are so much more than you see, than you feel. I see you all operating from a place of deep love, and that is the most Motherly thing we can do. I love each of you in this sisterhood immensely.

So this weekend, remember who you are. Love yourself for the complexity, love yourself for doing what you can. Love yourself. Happy Mother’s Day- rest, you deserve it.