Truth time. 

I am not as I appear. I have realized something, and it has shaken me. 

About 3 years ago, I began, in earnest a journey to become a healthy me. It started with the shell. And boy, was I diligent in my workouts and food. And the difference- I never knew what my body could do. At first it made me so uneasy, my outside armour was shrinking, so even though my strength was increasing, my comfort in the world was not. 

It took a year or so and then I started to find my confidence, I started to sparkle, to explore pieces of myself that had been dormant for a long time. 

As with any change in vibration it causes discomfort around you, engages new, disrupts old. 

But I really began to believe I was this strong, red headed warrior, that was just, helpful, kind, funny, creative and all sorts of wonderful things. I started to publicly display my monsters, to be a role model. ‘You too can battle your monsters, create a loving village and have a life that’s deeper than day to day survival.’ I found my voice, really began to be the storyteller and keeper some part of me believes I am. 

But you see, the disruption that I actually caused has much negativity associated with it. I tried new approaches that I felt were in line with my new found power. They were largely unsuccessful, and somewhat viewed as selfish but I stubbornly pushed forward. I was not really credited with doing any changes for my self/soul. Surely this must be for the attention. 

Then something happened, almost undetected by me, as I get to use injury as a legitimate excuse. 

My outside buffer has started to return. The push of some of the outside world was too painful I imagine, reminds me to much that I should only have a small life, so soft protection must be created. The place I started with, the physical challenge that started it all, was pushed aside. Yes I have a shoulder issue, yes it requires care and modification, but not giving up altogether. 

So why did I? Easy answer, it’s my oldest monster. The payment due for the disruptions I’ve caused, the misunderstandings, the strife. Somewhere in my head that monster wasn’t loud but hammered away that that is not my place. 

The funny thing is the heavier I am the less room I take up in some ways. My monster convinced me to do this quietly, slowly, but still be able to talk a good game about self work, self worth, and honouring the self. And the whole time my anxiety dance had me going backwards, to prove ( to the masses) I still valued what brought me to the point of feeling courageous enough to try to be a better version in the first place. 

It is, very, fucked up. 

So dear Village, my apologies, to you and to myself. I am sorry I have only been partially truthful in my monster battle. I am sorry that at this time the default pattern has won. The epiphany of this has me so sad and angry at the moment. 

Please know, I am acknowledging these things as a way to get back to honouring what I want to be, who I want to be. Of honouring your belief in me ( or what you thought I represented). 

The battle isn’t over. 

Love big, hug often and forgive what and when you can. 

Thank you for reading. 

I woke up this morning deeply moved, and very much affected. Went to see A Star is Born last night. I ugly cried through most of it.
The deft hand used writing about addiction, mental illness and chronic conditions was amazing.

It’s hitting home especially hard right now, the destruction these things bring when left unchecked. The raw vulnerability when trying to bring yourself back from the brink. How susceptible one can be when not completely stable. How when we need to fill a certain expected role, we can until there is literally nothing left.

I could see myself in aspects of both characters. The darkness that comes when the monsters gain strength over the warrior. When the mental illness and addictive behaviours to mask take over.
The exhausted push to be the saviour for someone so low down they threaten to drown you as well.
And in the ways both characters demonstrate the desperation for it all to just end.

My heart feels raw, my eyes wet, not only for these fictional characters so realistically portrayed. But for any other having gone ( going) through this. For myself, my own struggle.

Remember to ask dear Village, not a throw away question- but a real ‘how are you?’ Prepare to listen, or just sit. Give kindness because you never know when someone is struggling. If you know someone with a chronic physical or mental condition, check in with them. You could save a life- someday that person may return to save yours.