Category: morning missives

Ghosts

I saw a few things I wanted to pass along to you. Things I thought would make you laugh or at least a moment of respite from life. I caught myself….almost too late.  I remembered. You are not there. It would be lost to the ether. By choice or by design some endings will never be understood. 

I miss you. I miss laughing with you. I miss our interesting and challenging conversations. I miss the meals we shared. I missed the fun we created. 

This hit home this morning. I dreamt of you and others I have lost. We were at a table filled with oddities, pretties and food, we were celebrating with so many more friends and family, those I brought to you, and you to me, that have intertwined our lives. When I woke you were still untouchable, lost.

I popped online and the first thing I saw, I knew would make you laugh……. and it began again.

I wish you peace, you touched my life in ways I can’t explain. Some day the loss of you will sting a little less and the remembered laughter will feel a little warmer. Until then……

Love

Love is not fragile

It has a strength that transcends time and distance

Love is not meek

It is ferocious

Love is not reserved for romance

It is Self, Family, Friends and Earth

Love is powerful

It can change the course of history

Love is not biased

It can see the true soul, regardless of colour, sex religion and economic standing

Love is not meant to be hidden

It is meant to be shared, cultivated and grown

Love is all there is 

When a motherless mother feels lost

Today I need her

Today I need to know

Can I do this?

I’m a bleeding heart

My soul raw

Can I do this?

How can I navigate her through this?

When this is when my compass died

Can I do this?

My daughter needs her mother

This daughter needs her mother

Can I do this?

I’ll take her hand, whisper ‘be brave’

I won’t let her see me shake

As my hand reaches for a ghost

Can I do this?

Can love be enough when I have no clue

Love wasn’t enough when I had to miss you.

Can I do this?

Choices we make

We choose how we react to any situation. That is our control.

Sometimes it is hard not to take what the universe throws at us very personally. Especially when the monsters in your head can twist much to that bent.

I am not proud of my reactions this morning.

I snarked at some well intended things and was not very understanding to another, and perhaps unkind/cold to another friend who is in distress.

I am tired, I am dealing with the things that hurt, my monsters are loud.

But my things/needs to not supersede anyone else’s. Yet I want to scream ‘what about me? I have shit to, incase it matters!!’

In these moments I feel lost, in my heart I want to offer gratitude, love and compassion- despite the deficit I feel. I used to be able to choose that almost instantly- despite the monsters.

This morning I did not / could not make that choice. My monsters whisper that no one makes that choice for me, so why bother for anyone else…… I am overwhelmed, overthinking and overtired. These are not meant as excuses, just a framework for how my monsters can take over.

I know I will owe apologies but I believe I am entitled to some understanding.

For now, until this current storm passes, and my tears dry, my choice will now be to be quiet ( the adage, ‘if you can’t say anything nice….) to try to do some good somewhere today, and hope that those I was not the best to this morning understand and choose to kindness, compassion and understanding in my direction.

Always choose kindness when you can. Try to remember it’s rarely personal, trust that you do count, you do matter and love yourself first, even when the monsters seem to be the ones in the drivers seat.

✌🏻

Tower

Breathless I wait…… the vibrations of change are beginning. I can feel them. This is needed. The Tower, yet again begins to roil.
For the last while I have been required to be present, clear, steady, a safe harbour. A shelter ( oh I do this so well)
I feel deeply
My loyalty steadfast
Can I see the end of the nightmare that is not mine?
Rally love, you have it in you. Rally love, this is your place. Rally love, we’ve walked this way before.
The Tower pitches and cracks. Can I hold the steadfast harbour for you with one hand and ride out the inner rollercoaster, holding on to myself with the other?
I can. I will. I’ve got it in me. This is my place. I’ve walked this way before. But this time a new path will now be made. We shall not come to pass this way again

A Good Day Song

Why are we so afraid to be who we are?

It’s hard work to let the beat of your heart lead you. Easy and safer to blend in? Is it?

I don’t know?
It seems the older I get, the more me I’m becoming me.
Bold, open, red haired, red lipped, opinionated, loving, thirsty for knowledge, bubbling with creativity, sci-fi fantasy horror loving, music and dance adoring, striving for connections, impatient, giving, foul mouthed, no shit taking, I will beat back my monsters, warrior, wanting to lead my Village, loyal, celebrate those around me, tender, selfish, sensitive, sensual, silly, proud Witch.

However, sometimes some on the outside ( and some of the monsters on the inside) sing in a chorus:

Don’t come across too smart, then you are a snob.
Don’t be too kind, then you are a doormat.
Don’t dress to bright or noticeable, you are only doing it for the attention
Don’t vocalize your opinion, you’re just being annoying.
Don’t choose something just for you, you’re being selfish
Don’t admit where and why you see what you do, you’re just being too weird

Damnit!!
Use big words, educate yourself, know most knowledge does not come from books but from having the chutzpah to ask questions and being open.

Be kind, lend a hand, a heart, hold back judgment, risk the odd hurt, so you can experience connection.

Wear black, wear gold, red hair, grey hair, long, short, shaved, wear hot pink, short skirts, long pants, heels, flip flops, push up bra, bra less, red lips, clean face…. who cares as long as you are doing it for you and you feel damn good in it.

Have an opinion, vocalize, but back it up smartly, allow others theirs and know when to STF up.

If filling your cup means you are better able to serve those around you, then fill your cup. You are the only person that you have to wake up with everyday, it is not selfish to take care of your body, mind and soul.

Be weird, everybody has a glitch or two. Try to work on the negative ones, but celebrate the ones that make you, you. Celebrate the ones that make your tribe, your tribe.
Love more
Judge less
Be kind to self, they way you are kind to others.

Today I am

It’s hard work to let the beat of your heart lead you. Easy and safer to blend in? Is it? 

I don’t know? 

It seems the older I get, the more me I’m becoming me. 

Bold, open, red haired, red lipped, opinionated, loving, thirsty for knowledge, bubbling with creativity, sci-fi fantasy horror loving, music and dance adoring, striving for connections, impatient, giving, foul mouthed, no shit taking, I will beat back my monsters, warrior, wanting to lead my Village, loyal, celebrate those around me, tender, selfish, sensitive, sensual, silly, proud Witch. 

However, sometimes some on the outside ( and some of the monsters on the inside) sing in a chorus:

Don’t come across too smart, then you are a snob. 

Don’t be too kind, then you are a doormat. 

Don’t dress to bright or noticeable, you are only doing it for the attention 

Don’t vocalize your opinion, you’re just being annoying. 

Don’t choose something just for you, you’re being selfish 

Don’t admit where and why you see what you do, you’re just being too weird 

Damnit!! 

Use big words, educate yourself, know most knowledge does not come from books but from having the chutzpah to ask questions and being open. 

Be kind, lend a hand, a heart, hold back judgment, risk the odd hurt, so you can experience connection. 

Wear black, wear gold, red hair, grey hair, long, short, shaved, wear hot pink, short skirts, long pants, heels, flip flops, push up bra, bra less, red lips, clean face…. who cares as long as you are doing it for you and you feel damn good in it. 

Have an opinion, vocalize, but back it up smartly, allow others theirs and know when to STF up.  

If filling your cup means you are better able to serve those around you, then fill your cup. You are the only person that you have to wake up with everyday, it is not selfish to take care of your body, mind and soul. 

Be weird, everybody has a glitch or two. Try to work on the negative ones, but celebrate the ones that make you, you. Celebrate the ones that make your tribe, your tribe. 

Love more

Judge less

Outward and self.