Standing Still at the Speed of Light
Writing, true life, random facts and fiction
I think I’ve known a while
I wanted to believe a little longer
Because reality stings
Signs were there
So was hope
for gentle honesty over cruelty
But we have been here before
Not with this intensity
This time I have better sight
and Lilith’s guidance
Her protection will guide me
But she does not block the pain
It is another necessary lesson
Need, Loss, Honesty, Trust
The fallibility of broken humans
I asked
Lilith – show me
Clear my vision
Did she ever
It broke something inside
Pain, I can use
I’d say how dare you
But what did I expect
The ‘broken brain’ sees patterns
It took some time to find
She whispered in my ear
‘This one is a doozy’
Burn it all down
Always bound
Other’s
Wants
Needs
Opinions
Violence
Only loved when you gave
Eyes turned to the sky
No more begging
For love
To be seen
Monsters light the match
Let them warm themselves by the fire
Burn bitch burn
One by one they will turn their backs
As the flames die down
They will go
As the ashes cool
They will not recognize the creature
That will rise
Burn it all down
Do we know the hour it comes?
Or is it always a little bit of a surprise
Like finding the sweet spot
There’s a general idea of location
But when it’s found
All reason leaves
And it takes your breath away
Is this what death is like?
I woke from a nightmare
Jaw firmly locked
Screaming pain in my head
There is no stability for me
Therein lies the rub
I tried
I spoke
………….
The nightmare resulted one regret
Echoing through time
You should have pulled the trigger
When my sight went black
You should have gripped a little longer
Till the beat fully stopped
Because survival has become my fools game
‘Be what you need’
Empty accolades in the theatre of life
Speak soft words of love, kindness, devotion
While the deafening silence is all I’m tossed
Criticism is all that’s pinned to my chest
I don’t think I woke at all
I caught a breath –
A fleeting moment
Undone in a blink
Shaky ground
Subtle sabotage
I’m trying
To find
footing
A grip
Every step forward
Is met with
A subtle
two handed push back
Some day the hope will die
For good
I chose this
This moment keeps repeating
A loop
The answer I claim not to know
Sits low in the pit of my stomach
Every time the moment loops
The pit grows
But
What if?
How many times can I ask myself this?
The loop comes again
Tonight I almost felt swallowed by it
Sorrow weighs heavy
I can talk myself out of anything
Almost
Until the moment loops again
Sigh
Watching Her through the window
I catch sight of my reflection
My cheeks seem to sparkle
The Moon’s gentle light, transforming the trails of my tears
Melancholy Grief
So much of myself lost
Given and taken away
The silver rivulets tracing cracks I’m trying to repair
Trying to feel worthy
I am not a throw away vessel to be used and emptied
This was (is) my failure
Her light reflects on my face, the idea I am wearing her magic, the only love that will protect me
Is my own
My nervous system reacts.
Not only to the immediate moment
but to all the ‘moments’ that came before. Moments that were never healed.
Moments there were no breaks from.
I do not welcome this.
It’s not an overreaction to the now
It’s safety training stuck in high alert
Bind me in loving restraints
Tell me I’m a good girl
My nervous system reacts
Safely in the moment
Releasing some of the moments that came before
Healed
Breaking
I welcome this
It’s opening into the now
Safely retraining dialling down the alert
Bind me in loving restraints
Tell me I’m a good girl
There are no heroes
There is no one to admire
Pretty Art
Is better
Anonymous
Can not trust a stranger
Can not trust a known
Can not believe the poetry from your lips
Disguising the monster
There are no heroes
There is no one with out a mask
An honest heart
The words I love that built worlds in my mind
Have tainted
My own heart and awakened a distrust
I long thought healed
Standing Still at the Speed of Light 