Category: Massage Therapy

What I Can Bring to the Future

These last few years has been a deep dive on who I am, sorting through some muck and deciding what my purpose is to be.

This is a difficult task at the best of times, and it comes at different times in life- it definitely is not something you do once or do flippantly. The deep dive coincided with the onset of Covid. But the dismantling started a couple of years before that. 

Part of the trauma/survival response I have is being a people pleaser, a care taker. This is not a bad thing to be, if it is done with appropriate boundaries and not to the point of becoming nothing but a reflecting pool. I learned so much during my dismantling about the toxic nature of my own survival strategies, some I was not even aware of. By the point of realization I was already in my 40s. 

Am I healed? No, that continues, and I am sure that it will be a life long commitment on a labyrinth path. I have gotten to the place however, where I really want to refine my purpose and what I can being to my family, friends, community and world at large.

My primary day to day career is massage therapy, a therapist as well as a teacher. I have a couple of things I do occasionally on the side, like custom aromatherapy products and tarot readings too. There is much more to who I am but these are the things I had already been doing out in the world. 

Separating my trauma response from my purpose has been tricky, there has been a lot of exploring the ‘why’ I want to do something. Do I really want to be of service or is that a trauma response? Am I wanting to help people or just make myself useful so I don’t get lost.

It has taken a lot of adjustments, lost relationships, changes in friendships and so much reflection. 

At first, wellness coaching seemed to be the path that appealed to me most, as it makes great use of my current skill set. So I began to research, it took me to some very scary places. Initially many of the seminars and classes would focus on how to help people and build your message, and soon enough it morphed into how to make a lot of money- why work with one when you can do it in groups? Have a system to sell! Find products to add in. It all very quickly became less about helping any one but the self. It all led to being an ‘influencer’. That is no where near what I want.

The term influencer leaves a horrible taste in my mouth. The engagement most times seems like a sales pitch unto itself, pushing products and easy ‘false positive’ answers. I don’t want to influence you to live like me. I want you to live like the most grounded version of you. Ok with knowing it is not all good, some things are going to suck, but that you have built the resilience to work through those down turns while honouring yourself. To realize that achievements aren’t always in the numbers, wether that is followers, on the scale or in your bank account. To get the idea of how much community is important, not so we can all be the same but learn and grow from the differences we bring to the table. The only thing I want to influence is bringing more creative good into the world. 

I also noticed that when it came to the portions of these seminars about finding your target audience that the target all seemed to be generally the same, same colour, age and generally in the upper middle class with the money to afford these expensive programs, the next phase is how to turn those targets into people who do what you do, with the promise of feeling fulfilled while making good cash. 

What about those that want the encouragement with out having to break the bank? What about those that want the sense of community where things can be shared, learned and experienced? This is where I want to be.

Not an influencer, not a ‘wellness’ coach, I’m thinking more in line with a wholeness coach. That term seems to resonate more in my soul. So what does it mean?

To me it means taking into account the whole you. You aren’t just fitness, finance or a ‘lifestyle’. You are a person with dreams, interests, a history, trying to find your way to some kind of quality and balance in this life. You want to feel better, more able to handle the demands that life places on you- this isn’t just a matter of taking the right supplement, crushing the right workout or covering with the right cosmetic. This is having the support to create your path, finding the things that will give you the inspiration, stamina and creativity to build your life to suit you. This is about building a community that is there is sit with you on a bad day and clap so loud for you on a good day. About having a coach you hears you, who helps you hear yourself and the wisdom you already have. Having someone who knows there are no easy answers but there will always be away to achieve your best.   

I want to work one on one, I want your path to reflect the unique being you are. I want to offer group get togethers for education, sharing of community resources and support, not to have a cookie cutter program thrust upon groups of people.

I have been told I will not get rich doing this. I know I need to have money to live off of, but rich is not my goal. My purpose is to support people on their journey. I want to share my imperfect truth, and accept yours, as we all strive for better. My desire is to build an accessible community that is not one just based on commerce. 

Is there an audience? I believe so. Can I find you? Will you find me? Are you ready for an adventure?

How Trauma Can Break the Nervous System (aka) Why (Good) Body Work is Important

I have anxiety and CPTSD.

I have spent the last 4 years digging deep trying to understand my mental health. To understand what has happened to me, what I can heal and what I need to learn to work with in a healthy way.

3 weeks ago we had a random event happen in our home that triggered a major anxiety CPTSD episode.

In the 3 weeks since I practiced all the things I have learned. Sleep, reduced sugar, no/reduced alcohol and caffeine, exercise, nature, massage and meditation. It has been slow going, some things more successful than others.

On the surface I believed I was systematically undoing the high alert that was tripped. My body had other ideas.

I have been with my massage therapist for about 5 years now. He is aware of the trauma I have experienced in life. He is mindful of the peaks and valleys of my mental health. I am grateful that he has compassion and understanding/intuition when to push and when not to.

Even when I am cavalier about wanting deeper work, he knows when to follow his intuition rather than my verbal cues. It has become an integral component to my health.

The last couple of massages it was noted my neck was resisting the attempts to soften it up. This week was by far being the worst my neck has been in a long time.

I did my home care right after the session ( a habit I’m working on building), gentle stretch, warm shower, lots of water. About an hour or so later I felt it ‘let go’. This can be very common after a treatment and one you want to make sure your clients are aware of.

It is a warm feeling like no other. It’s like the muscles get the message through to the nervous system that it doesn’t need to be so hyper vigilant. My shoulders dropped with a big sigh. There was a moment of peace, of deep relief. One I feel in various ways after almost every massage.

One of the other things the body can do when releasing a hyper vigilant state is become violently ill. The exhaustion from masking, fighting, and just trying to pull off day to day lands like brick. The chemicals that my body produces to keep me in that state are making hard for the happy calm chemicals to take hold.

This does not happen as often as it used to, like when I first started getting regular massage. But this time was different

It took about an hour and a half for the blinding migraine to take over, another 15 minutes before my body purged everything and dropped me into a dead sleep.

I felt a little better when I woke up. Ate lightly, medicated heavily ( THC candy and advil) and wrapped my head in ice as the pain once again crested.

Times being what they are ( and a friend I had been with recently testing positive) I took a Covid test the next day. It came back negative. But that is not to say in my crashed state I don’t have it. I’m vaxxed and boosted so maybe not enough to show up on the test, I am now on day 3 of the migraine but I’m quarantining like it’s Covid. Also because I don’t have the energy for interaction.

The pain has just become a lightening bolt between my eyes. I feel like I’ve been driven over, ridden down the rapids and hung to dry. This is much better than Wednesday afternoon. I had been deeper into that vigilant state than I realized.

Sleep has been my friend. Today I could tolerate light for more than a few minutes. So that’s a win.

I’m doing my best not to feel guilty for just lying in the dark for the last few days. There was tears, weird dreams and exhausted pain. My body needed to purge poison from long ago, poison that was kickstarted a few weeks ago. I could not push my body or mind to do more than basics, there was no way I could/should work.

I am horrified, intrigued and grateful all at the same time. I’ve been able to journal some today. I can feel something uncoiling still.

Often with trauma we loose connection with our bodies, but they store everything. A skilled therapist helps ground you and reconnect to the present. Also helping to release pain that is tied to mental monsters.

I am grateful for what the massage kick started. Even though I feel like shit. I feel connected to myself. I know that this is part of the healing and I must honour the process.

But most of all, I’m going to honour myself by sleeping a little more and treating myself gently over the next few days so I can get back to my life. A little freer, wiser and a little lighter.

A Message on the First Night of Yule

The 12 days of Yule have begun. It is also the night before Winter Solstice. I had been thinking over the weekend how I wanted to honour the start and celebrate my Ancestors, my Kin and my own Spirit.

The Universe directed me. I have hit a wall, a hard one. Physically, emotionally and mentally.

By the time I finished my ‘official’ day yesterday I was done, my body and mind were heavy and exhausted.

I went to bed early. Knowing enough to try to rest as today was another full tilt one.

This morning I had a headache and I felt like I ran a marathon ( this is a common body response when my anxiety has been high). While I have had some anxiety peaks in the last month, I did not feel this was the sole cause of my malaise.

I am burned out. The stress of the outside world has pecked away consistently at my armour. I have been on go for so long I’m not sure, other than when receiving a massage, when else I’ve actually hit pause. Even sleep feels like a momentary dead drop and right back at it.

It’s almost amusing, because one of the things on my never ending ‘to do’ list is to rearrange my schedule in the new year to have more ‘life, quiet, creative, connection time.’ It moved up the list to a top spot.

On this first day of Yule, the day to honour the Mother, the strong feminine, I honoured myself.

So today, I hit a full pause. I am grateful for the clients who understood, rebooked for another time and encouraged my day of rest.

I kept my pjs on. I ate light, I slept, read, listened to podcasts, curled up with my dogs.

I honoured my wisdom to listen to my body, my strength to not push through, I nurtured myself.

There is guilt lurking in the back ground, things left undone, not productive enough for the day. But the self talk I am practicing is that, this is what I needed, this was critical soul food. That in order to be present and participate, I needed this recharge.

Do I feel whole? No, but I feel a little more peace. The burning stiffness that anxiety trails through my muscles has softened. The pounding in my head receded. I don’t feel as emotionally drained.

I am not the only one. But I am one of the few that finally gave myself permission to stop.

I should have done it sooner. I have been the one who did not listen, who crashed hard with illness and yet kept going. Waiting for someone else to tell me it’s ok, that I am deserving to rest.

Do you feel this? Are you just trying to carry on despite everything?

On this first night of Yule, my gift to you is permission to hit pause.

You are worthy and you are very deserving.

Rest, move mindfully and know that’s more than enough.

Rest well

Goodbye sweet spirit.

We knew each other such a long time. Much mutual admiration for such hard roads travelled. We never really knew each other deeply, I was too young and frightened to invest, I owed you more.

Your art was moving, and spoke of the depth that travelled though you despite all of the challenges that held you under.

You inspired me. I’m not sure if I ever told you. I wish I had. You told me how much you loved Lily and loved hearing/ seeing her growing. I am grateful for this for reasons more personal and complex and that just belong to us ❤️.

The hardest part of this journey for you is done , the broken body that held your determined fiery spirit is now at rest. The chains that held you back are released, you are whole and free.

Thank you my friend, for your compassion, interest and inclusion. Forgive me my failings here, you really do inspire me. The beauty you witnessed and created with pencil to paper will always be a reminder of the big space you filled.

Tonite I look at the setting sun. On my exhale are the prayers for your peace, release and safety in the Mother’s Arms.

I hope in Transition my friend you hear and feel what I mistakenly did not adequately say in life.

Blessed Be Dear Soul. I look forward to the time we break bread together again ❤️

Dark Dismantling

We all have something that we are terrified of. Something that we dread, that we push from our minds, that lays in wait in the dark places.

Sometimes it’s rational fears, sometimes it may appear to be irrational. Sometimes it’s a rational fear that has grown so large it can’t be contained to an ‘appropriate’ size.

I know I’m not the only one struggling. It’s getting harder to speak up because it seems there is no space. Everyone has something. We are all so starved to be heard, validated and soothed. Yet it seems there is very few to listen.

But here I sit in the predawn hours wrestling some of my very specific monsters.

Parts of my career are in flux.

The part where I do not work for myself has me shaken and insecure about my abilities due to ‘ratings on a score card’, the cold devalued feeling that my contributions are now subpar. The removal of any feeling of team. No human emotional considerations, conversations or care.

I wrestle with how my body is not able to tolerate the physical exertion of my career ( where I do work for myself in service of others) to the extent I used to be able to work.

I am still capable, but where my comfort number was 6 it’s now 3-4.

Constant pain to varying degrees.

This is coupled with trying to figure out other parts of my life, relationships with others and myself. I am turned inside out. My contents scattered. My identity wrapped in questions. The assurance I used to get from what I thought I knew, what I thought I was…… no longer valid. Detached

Is this the darkest part of the journey? ( at least until death?) and who is going to come out the other side? Who will shine the light during my dark dismantling?

An Open Letter to My Massage Friends and Clients

To All my Therapist Friends, and anyone who misses massage
One of the things I have noticed having been in this field for such a long time is that there is a general quality most therapists have, we genuinely want to help people. We want to see people be a better version of themselves. We want to do the best we can for them. I am proud that the therapists I know are extremely diligent in their client care. They are well educated, compassionate people. But we are very human too.
When we were first asked to close because of the pandemic, there was much fear about our practices, our clients, our finances. How long would this last? What were we going to do? How would we, and by extension, our clients manage?
We adapted
In that time since we shuttered I have talked with many of the therapists I know. Many set up contact with their regular clients, keeping up with check ins and reminders of self care. Many are trying to calmly just wait it out. Many are just in limbo, doing the best they can. We talked of how we were feeling, the frustration at not being able to work, concern about finance, wanting to be out in the world. Hoping for a quick and secure resolution.
We are now facing something else, even more nerve wracking that what we were facing a mere eight weeks ago. The anxiety, fear and anger is palpable.
The powers that be, feel we are ready to start opening, slowly. Our profession is slated as ‘phase 2’. This announcement first brought with it some hurt prideful feelings, how were we not considered as important as hairstylists (somehow they are in phase 1). Even client’s of mine were wondering why we weren’t given the same priority as physios and such. Then there was a collective pause.
We see many of those slated for the first wave of opening are asking why? Shouldn’t we wait longer? Is it really safe? Others are relieved to be able to start getting out in the world. But in the same breath we are told we are going to start opening up, we are told that not all the symptoms are as they appear, we are to maintain social distancing, there will be a second wave that threatens to be much worse than the first wave. Can we really trust the majority of the public will be responsible with social distancing and general common sense?
The numbers have not spiked in an uncontrollable way. But there has been no significant decrease either. On paper it looks to be on the rise, but the math must be considered. There is more testing available, we must also look at the number of resolved cases and of that, the percentage of fatal cases. But this brings little comfort, with the din of all other mixed messages. Pictures of unsafe gatherings of people, people protesting to have things of convenience reopen. The community spread that has become more prevalent.
There is no clear plan of how we practice safely, for ourselves and our clients. Are we going to be forced to practice? If we personally choose to wait will the government cut aid off? Is it worth it? Will people come back?
There is no specific answer to even the simplest of questions. Colleagues have been directed to watch the training for what nurses need to observe for physical safety to work with people. From what I have seen, I am not even sure when that would be available, how to locate the approved type or what the cost of that kind of PPE would be. Not to mention that it would not be conducive to an effective massage at all.The fear is understandable, we work, for an extended period of time, in very close proximity to our clients. So now we wait, we wait to see how the early and first phase roll out. There will be much to learn here. Much to consider.
The only thing I can say, is trust your gut my therapist friends. Follow the science, use your best judgment. When or if you choose to work, follow the rules, keep everything clean. Some of us will go back to work as soon as the green light hits.Some of us will ease back into it.Some of us will wait.Some of us may not come back.
Let’s support each other. Do not judge another for their choice to work, wait or not. Pass helpful information. Be understanding of the fear and anxiety. Most of all be safe.
Take care my friends

TFTFL- Confusion in the Muck

This battle.

This fucking battle….. 

To start off with the , ‘we are in unprecedented times,’ (no shit Sherlock), is a patronizing sticky glob. I think by now most people recognize that since the last official World War, there has not been an event that has effected people on such a large scale.

Will it go back to normal? What was normal? What will we try to take away from this? At this moment, sitting in my chair, trying to focus on the task at hand (it is not this I can assure you) I don’t fucking care what human kind decides. I am trying to decide what will get me through the day. I believe this is where many people are at. 

The pandemic and its isolating measures have compressed many things. We can not be together, we are told to rely on electronic communication. We know how often electronic communication is miscommunication. Everything is a dichotomy. There is no right way to handle what these times bring, yet we are all so vocal about what we need, it feels like constant chatter that no one is actually listening to.

In the shut down, important tools have been taken away from people that help them in their daily lives. This is what is eating at me. This is what is dissolving me. This is what is defeating me. 

I am still trying to be helpful, maintain purpose, be the thing I want have in this world. Offer space, reminders of self care, empathy. Not only to those I can (family, friends, clients), but to myself. It is wearing thin.

There is now speak of going back to work. Being able to resume getting people back on my table. In my heart I know how badly some need this. I know how badly I need to do this. I love my job, it fills my cup. And trust me, I do have gratitude. I am terrified.

I have been shown much appreciation and love and kindness over this last while. People letting me know that my messages of kindness, respect and empathy have been helpful, checking in with them has meant so much. That I am missed, valued and they can not wait until we can see each other again. For this I am grateful.

Yet today I feel so broken, so fake, so tired, so full of fucking pain. Full of fear that I can not do this any more. 

As my clients have come to rely on massage to alleviate their pain levels so they can function, feel whole, connected, calm and that their core person is valued enough to receive that care, I have come to rely on the same. 

My body had determined about two years ago, that weekly treatment worked best. This is a unique thing, to find the rhythm of care, but I had. My own chronic clients understand this all too well. We get maintenance care (some things can not be fixed, just patched ), and due to lifestyle, and other factors those patches can wear off in a week, two, maybe even a month. Then the pain and/or disfunction return, sometimes creeping in, sometimes like a freight train. To those that do not live in my head or body, my weekly treatment may have appeared excessive. It is has now been weeks since I last received the skilled hands on that help to let me function, move, think and feel ‘normal’. I am acutely aware of how far down I am.

Old injuries that are destroying my joints are screaming. I can not move with out feeling something sharp, restricted and weak. I have been mildly joking I am like a T-Rex. There have been moments i need my daughter to brush and pull my hair into a ponytail, because I have neither the range or strength to do it. I try to push to exercise (this is a much needed piece to myself care ) but it too has become a source of frustration rather than salvation. My mental health pain is determined to make its presence physically known, is at levels that are making rational emotional thought a monumental task. The physical and mental pain has become a loop.

So my voice is added to the babble. Lost in the expressed chorus of wants and needs of others. Trying to catch myself and the negative patterning. Trying to not take others (non)reactions personally. Trying to allow for understanding. I feel like I am screaming into the ether. I feel like I do nothing but complain.

‘Buck up. Shit has to be done. No point in whining. I HURT. I can not keep doing this. Pain meds hardly work. I need a soft place of understanding, not patronizing. Thank you for the love. Fuck why can’t you hear me? I’ll stop talking about it. Please listen I am not well. I am fine, it just is what it is. Do you see now why care is so important? FUCK THIS!! Please hear me, talk with me. LEAVE ME ALONE. I just want to get dressed with out feeling nauseous. I want to sleep. Don’t patronize me I am not weak. Help me please.’

I work at distraction, try to busy myself to be of service where I can. Step out when the noise becomes too much. To ride through the sharper parts of the pain. To manage what I can.

I am tired. How do I navigate getting ready to go again, with whatever version of normal that will be? When I am not sure I have even been navigating the now with any great aplomb. I feel for my daughter, trying to help her move through her altered life. My husband, my friends who all face their own challenges, all have their own needs. How to make it fit. Make it work.

So as I sit here, in my chair, desperately trying to focus on the task at hand, the refrain that the powers that be keep telling us, ‘we are all in this together.’ is thrumming the the fog of my brain, and all I can think is that I think, I have never felt so alone.

How are you doing?

Tomorrow is another day. 

TFTFL-Virus Interruptus- My Career

An open letter to my Massage Therapist Colleagues and our Clients,

So here we are. Our profession, amongst others, has been temporarily sidelined by COVID-19.

Deemed a nonessential service. We were instructed to shutter. I know some of you took great umbrage to that. But don’t. We know better. Our clients know better.

However, in the best interest of ourselves, our families, colleagues and clients we need to help create the gap to slow this virus down. We must lead by example. But we are far from nonessential.

I have been reading some of the posts on massage sites, and hearing how you are missing your clients, missing caring for people, missing doing your passion. 

In talking to some of you, I hear your worry about those clients that rely on you to help their  day to day function. 

Talking to my own clients, I hear their concern, about how to manage their own issues until they can get back on the table. Some have also expressed their concern for my family’s well being on the economic side of things, offering to pay for the missed appointments or purchase gift certificates, to help where they can. The mutual respect and care between therapist and their charge is a wondrous, and far from nonessential thing.

Right now, in this time of fear, physical distance, anxiety and anger we are also experiencing the physical symptoms of extreme stress. Muscle pain, sleeplessness, headaches, shallow breathing, restlessness and muscle tightness. Some may be feeling exhausted, short tempered, emotional or numb. If someone already has an underlying physical or mental health condition this extra stress can exacerbate issues, and/or create new ones.

This is tough on every body.

Therapists, we will be needed far more that you know. Not just for those clients that have been distancing, but those clients that have been deemed essential workers and had to go out into the altered world day after day. They will need pain relief. They will need compassion. They will need connection. They will need relaxation. They will need us. When we get to the point that we can be of help again, we need to be ready.

I know you all want to get back to work, not only for them, but for ourselves too. We are feeling all of the same things, we are dealing with not knowing how long we will not be able to make our livelihood. We are dealing with the uncertainty of illness. 

We need to look out for each other. So take this time. Rest, exercise, practice self care. If you did not have one already, create a routine for yourself now, because you will need it later. 

We will be back before you know it, doing what we do, and it will get busy. Be proud of your career and what you’ve chosen to do. We are essential.

TFTFL- Virus Interruptus – Last Night I Cried.

Last night I finally cried, hard. 

We have been under the isolation ‘suggestion’ for a week.

Doing our best to minimally go anywhere- just essentials, no playdates, no visitors. We can go outside but must stay the recommended six foot distance away from one another (your same in-house family members don’t count, as long as they are not ill). My job as a Massage Therapist has come to a hard stop. I teach at a local university, my hands on classes are cancelled. I have no real income, (like so many others at this time). 

My husband still has work, but his hours have been cut, and as much as it would be preferable that he work from home, his job and equipment needed will not allow him.

There is no clear answer as to how long this will be. At first we were told two weeks, now it seems more and more we are hearing at least a month. It is all perfectly reasonable, given the unknown factors about this virus. Most will recover just fine, but it has proven fatal in those with immunocompromised systems, and of advanced age. It spreads quickly and they have no known treatment, other than symptomatic. If it moves too fast through the population it will overwhelm our medical systems, and more people will die. This slow controlled isolation is to mitigate that. Those who have gotten really sick from it talk about how painful it is.

But you all know this. You all are living this too. It fucking sucks.

So why did I cry? 

It started with a difference of opinion over how to load a dishwasher. Typical long time living together stuff. But much more heightened. The tears come as my partner chuffed at my voicing the way I have been doing it for the better part of two weeks, (and for years before that, until I got really busy with my career).

For the most part in the last five years the kitchen had been his. He does a majority (90%) of the cooking and all of the grocery shopping. Until the last two weeks. 

With nothing much on the foreseeable horizon for massage and teaching I needed to do something. One of the things I understand for my mental health is that I need to feel productive, connected and of service. So I jumped into building a support community to keep peoples spirits up, cooking, and systematically cleaning the house. 

As all of you out there probably feel as well, I am tired, stressed, I am fearful of how long and what the actual losses are going to be. My anxiety is bad. Now that we seem to be ‘settling’ into this new high stress normal, the rest of life issues that went temporarily on hold when the first wave of panic hit, are letting me know they are still there.

Before this global crisis came knocking on the door, real life was also ganging up on me.  I was given another reality check about things with my body that are altering what I can do as far as my career goes. I have to face the reality that I will live with some form of pain, more than likely for the rest of my life. I had been working through some deep trauma origins to my mental health issues, having some great success with new tools (these are being mightily tested these days), but was starting to feel some fatigue from this and needed break. And my birthday is today. 

My anxiety is high around it, I haven’t felt like celebrating since my 45th, two years ago. That was an amazing party. There were so many people there I cared about. I thought that all was well. But it was not. And in some significant ways this party signified the end of my little clan of people. (There will be another essay on this, when it doesn’t trip me up so much). Now having groups of people together gives me great anxiety and paranoia- yet I am so sad to not do anything at all, as I really loved those gatherings. It is a difficult paradox.

Add these underlying things to the current situation. I am also dealing with the fact that some of my most needed tools will be temporarily unavailable to me, if I am not working, I can not afford to get my own much need massage, to reduce physical pain and help with some major anxiety symptoms. I can not just ‘reach out’ and meet a friend for a coffee, or a hug. Most people don’t have it in them to support much outside of themselves in this time, and physical contact is not to be at the moment. This scares me some, not to have these things available that I know really work. The best tools I have is trying to be of service, and relying on my spiritual practice. So I am trying to offer what emotional support I can by checking in with people I know who also are struggling with this clusterfuck reality. I am trying to offer calm, sage, words and guidance that comes to me through meditation and the cards. I am concentrating on supporting my family as best as I can, cooking, cleaning, loving, listening, kindness…. 

I feel numb and it is hard to write. When I am numb like this I can be productive for organization, taking care of others and chores. Things I can ‘control’.  When my husband and I had our little pointed exchange, I felt my eyes well up instantly and my voice shrink down. The tears were hot, they burned my cheeks. They would not stop. I quietly went to my room and sat. After a bit I stopped trying to stop the flow. It was one long shaky water fall. I wanted to howl, I wanted to scream my pain out. I wanted a hug, I wanted to get out. I wanted to roll into a ball and be very alone. I wanted to throw things, curse, throw up. Instead I silently wept, my body shook. My hands, that have been so steady this last while, still haven’t stymied the jitters. Snot mixing with the tears poured down my face and it was coming faster than I could wipe it away. I allowed this for a few minutes, and did my damnedest to pull it together. The rational voice is always loud when there is no time to fall apart.

I realize I am being controlling and territorial in the kitchen, but I need this place. I need to own it. My identity feels stolen. I am a Mother, Wife, Teacher, Massage Therapist, Pagan, Friend………………. I brought in money that was needed to run the house. But now I have no income, two of my titles are temporarily on hold.  

It is in that moment of exchange over the loading of the dishwasher I realized how lost I felt. I feel I have lost part of my domain, my role…… So much of the fear bubbled out too. The immediate fear and frustration around our current global situation. The deeper pain of all the things that have changed the trajectory of my life that I have not had any control over. Knowing his over reaction to that loading of the dishwasher was simply a byproduct of his fear and anxiety over this large scale situation that we have no control over. I needed control over something and the kitchen is where I staked my claim. 

Today, I will allow my daughter to make the deal out of my birthday that she wants to (even though we can’t go out). and I will be so very grateful that she is safe and with me.

Eventually I will do what I do, I will offer my heart, my ear, kind words, understanding. 

and I will be so very grateful for it. I will continue to seek out hope for myself and others.

But for now, because I know the tears are just under the surface, I will step away and give myself the gift of understanding that I just can’t communicate outside my little world right now. 

Understand that what we are all feeling and going through are completely normal reactions to a very abnormal situation.

Be kind, be compassionate, have patience. 

Thank you for reading