Author: deannemansfield7242

I am many things in my life. I write about all of them, in some form or another. Fact or fiction it is all there.

The False Feeling of Healing

I woke from a nightmare 

Jaw firmly locked 

Screaming pain in my head 

There is no stability for me 

Therein lies the rub 

I tried 

I spoke 

………….

The nightmare resulted one regret 

Echoing through time 

You should have pulled the trigger 

When my sight went black 

You should have gripped a little longer 

Till the beat fully stopped 

Because survival has become my fools game 

‘Be what you need’

Empty accolades in the theatre of life 

Speak soft words of love, kindness, devotion 

While the deafening silence is all I’m tossed 

Criticism is all that’s pinned to my chest 

I don’t think I woke at all 

Rinse and repeat

This moment keeps repeating 

A loop 

The answer I claim not to know 

Sits low in the pit of my stomach 

Every time the moment loops 

The pit grows 

But 

What if? 

How many times can I ask myself this? 

The loop comes again 

Tonight I almost felt swallowed by it 

Sorrow weighs heavy 

I can talk myself out of anything 

Almost 

Until the moment loops again 

Sigh 

Moon Enlightenment

Watching Her through the window

I catch sight of my reflection 

My cheeks seem to sparkle 

The Moon’s gentle light, transforming the trails of my tears  

Melancholy Grief 

So much of myself lost 

Given and taken away 

The silver rivulets tracing cracks I’m trying to repair 

Trying to feel worthy 

I am not a throw away vessel to be used and emptied 

This was (is) my failure

Her light reflects on my face, the idea I am wearing her magic, the only love that will protect me 

Is my own 

Dream Lover

I stirred to you whispering my true name.
The resonance of your voice working its way through my body like warm honey
The name no one knows
The sacred
Melting my will
Do not let me leave this dream
I welcome you wholly
In this liminal space I feel
You
Inside
The taste of you
Driving my hunger
Burning from within
Hold me down here
I beg
The dawn is breaking
You fade like mist
Leaving me with a want
That may never be satisfied

Goodbye Moon

The Moon is full 

I’m trying to write your goodbye. 

I can’t. 

I can’t speak those definitive words 

How do I sum up the picture of you? 

How do I explain what you gave and now what is lost? 

I look to the Moon. She knows you too. 

She’s full, holding memories of time,

Laughter, tears, ridiculous philosophical conversations, spaces safe from the horrors and energetic adventures. 

I can’t write your goodbye 

It seems wrong, inaccurate  

How do I sum up the hole you’ve left me 

How do I explain all that will be missed? 

Maybe the Moon will tell you 

Cursed

You made my name into a curse 

May it burn bitter on your lips 

Each letter of my name 

leaving little slices in your throat 

Self inflicted poison 

festering in each wound 

Every time you utter my name in anger or harm 

It shall return to you swift, precise, marfach 

Remember in the dark of night 

You, made my name into a curse 

Turning Wheel

I remind myself to breathe 

Slowly 

Fully 

The Wheel will turn 

I close my eyes 

Remember 

I’ve been here before 

The dark of night 

The grumblings of the monsters 

Mixed with the steady chant of 

The warrior 

I try to grasp her hand 

It feels just out of reach 

I remind myself to breathe 

Slowly 

Fully 

The Wheel will turn 

Unbecoming

This morning I stood in the 

Cold 

Quiet 

Stillness 

I thought I felt

Peace 

I felt my heart 

Pounding 

The scream

Bubbled up from the depths 

All around me the neighbourhood dogs

Howled 

In communion 

The Gods trying to rip light 

Through the darkness I’m 

Stuck in 

This past year is reducing me to 

My most

Primal self 

Let her burn