TFTFL- Isolation and My Monsters

For most of my life, my anxiety issues, at their very worst, have lead me to feeling isolated. Trapped inside my own head. It is a lonely, loud place, it can be very dark. 

In my mid twenties for a time, I became agoraphobic, I was able to go from work to home, and that was all. Anywhere else was like torture, vertigo, nausea, my ears would ring and it took a lot of control not to cry. I had every excuse in the book to find ways to stay home. 

During that time I also became anxious and fearful of using the phone. 

I learned then, that having few trusted people in close in physical proximity was very helpful to me amongst other things.

It took the better part of two years before my anxiety about being in the outside world eased gradually. It took until this past winter (20+ years) for me to use the phone and not feel severely ill. It was a goal I had set for myself this past fall. Another goal I had set was to conquer a different social anxiety that had set in in the last couple of years. More recently, symptoms of social anxiety had again begun to show. This time it has manifested in getting together with people I know. We used to be known for our gatherings, meals and parties, but that came to crashing halt after my 45th birthday.  There are a series of pin point triggers that I have identified, but have not yet been able to get past with much success. But I was determined. I was going to try to host a Spring Equinox dinner, or at least celebrate my birthday this year. Then Covid took over the world.

We are now asked to isolate. We are encouraged to keep in contact at a distance. We are being asked to save physical lives by limiting physical contact. There has been some discussion of how this will affect mental health. But this will be a cost for so many tallied well into the future.

I have learned that a good portion of my emotional and mental health wellbeing is contingent on physical contact and conversation. I also invest heavily into my job and life to be of service. Currently this has become somewhat impossible. 

I am trying to be adaptable. I am trying to reach out, I am trying to be open and understanding. I am trying to be hopeful. I am trying to create what I can for myself and others. I am trying to be gracious for all the kindness and connection I have received. I am trying to stay a float. I am trying to use my awareness of mental health to be proactive, helpful and supportive.

The fatigue with this is not just my own. I know the people around me are feeling it too. Not only the ones with existing mental health issues, but those that until now, have never experienced mental health problems. I know that we all respond differently to these difficulties. Some close in and down, some reach out and try to be proactive. 

My own anxiety has me fighting myself not to take lack of communication personally. Has me fighting myself that reaching out does not make me annoying or overly needy. Yet… I have hit reoccurring patterns. I have come up against my own expectations of what I am willing to do for others, but do not feel is being invested back. I am up against wondering why I matter less to some than others. Has me second guessing my energy investments. Things I believe I had made peace with and moved past. It has me giving in to letting the physical pain I feel exacerbate the fog and pain in my head. I can feel the fog, the heightened drama, the things the monsters believe are unforgivable pieces of me. I am fighting. I am winning slightly more than I am losing this week. But the battles are getting bigger.

This is not the time. This is not the time to be taken down from the inside. This is not the time to give in to the paranoia. This is not the time to give up asking for what I need. This is not the time to recede from what I can give to those who need more than I do regardless of their ability to create reciprocal support. This is not the time.

I am trying to be gentle with others, myself and the world as we navigate the now and what is to come next. I am frightened. I am tired. I am sad. 

In moments I also can feel hopeful, calm, engaged in helping.

All I can say- keep an eye on yourself, and on those around you. We need each other more than ever. We need kindness, forgiveness and compassion. If you need contact, tell someone. It is easy to let people slip away. It is easy to fall into moments of scarcity and self preservation. But that is not the lesson here.

Hold space, love and kindness. Check in, check often. Share love, kind word, even a hello. It doesn’t have to be big or time consuming, but it can make the difference to how we survive this.

Thanks for reading.