I have been focused on my childhood and some of the events that I believe may have shaped some of my monsters. But our formation does not stop there. We do continue to evolve and be shaped by our environment, no matter the age.
I have had some profound relationships throughout my life, that have altered, and in some cases righted, the course I have taken. (I imagine, there will be more to come). Not all of them lovers or romantic, but each of them deeply intimate, and all of them occupy a place in my heart and soul. Each relationship at times has had a role (or many) in reenforcing my patterns (good and bad), protecting me, and destroying me in various ways. All have led me to this path of awareness, dismantling and healing that I am currently traveling.
I have been taking the time to examine these profound relationships that came later, when I was past my childhood, into young adulthood and beyond. I have been looking for patterns and reflections in order to try to learn what I can so I can grow.
I believe that the depth to which I have been affected/connected to most of these people originates in the Ether. These are all people I feel like I’ve known forever, even when I haven’t. These are all people who move freely around me, sometimes in close, sometimes far away. All occupying their own orbits. Like we are on stretchy bands. It’s funny I get twitchy when the orbits change, even though I should know better. Even though I can ‘see’ better.
I have, as is my curious nature, (and as my belief structure allows) wanted to understand the energetic (Karmic) connection.
As some of these relationships are puzzling to me, the appearance, connection, relevance, intensity and timing. Not everything means something, but when you start to see an overall pattern, there is something to be learned.
Sometimes I use Tarot or Oracle cards to help me gain some perspective or understanding. Due to the nature of my monsters I am prone to analyze conversations, actions, inactions, silences…etc…. Sometimes it is very helpful, as long as I can maintain a somewhat neutral observation stance. It gets dangerous if the anxiety paranoia monsters get in on it. It’s a crap shoot sometimes. But when it’s good, it helps me be accountable for my actions, it helps me understand the people around me, be empathetic in a healthy way. When it’s not I can be clingy, dramatic and need constant reassurance, moody and manipulative.
The relationships I have chosen so far to examine were ones that have shown up at watershed moments in my life.
Each of these relationships have taught me so much on spiritual, emotional and resilience levels, that I have only begun to understand some of these lessons. The gratitude for this is emerging, as am I, to celebrate the help, support and joy I have experienced, as well the pain, betrayal, grief and fear in some of these connections.
One of the biggest, most epic journeys is the first one up. This one saw me from a young teen, to a young woman, into the age I am now. It has taught me more about forgiveness, peace and strength over the years than I ever thought possible.
Next Up: TFTFL: Two Drowning Kids Cling To Each Other
Standing Still at the Speed of Light 