Plays and plans and life

My heart is aching this morning.
We’re told to envision what we want for our lives, when we create these plays in our heads, we have the other actors do as we need, do as we want, to create an idealistic dream.
Growing up I didn’t have a grand sense of community or family. There wasn’t the regular coming together of dinner or shared times, there wasn’t the effort put into building and maintaining deep connections, relationships, the practice of forgiveness or acceptance.I’m not faulting anyone for this, it just happened to be the environment I grew up in.
In my 20s I had a group of friends, that hung together all the time, we were in and out of each other‘s apartments, backyards, sharing drinks sharing laughs doing like 20-year-olds do. The tight bond of the time.
As we all grew into our 30s and started to create our families and “settle down “we tried to maintain what we could. We moved to different parts, got different jobs, headed in multiple directions. The ‘togetherness’ was less frequent, deep….Life began to change and grow and we meet new people, in part because of your kids, in part because your life takes different directions career and hobby wise, changes come again.
By the time I hit my own watershed at 40, I had a clear sense of what I wanted, what I wanted for my family.I wanted a regular village of people to come together, that were supportive, understanding, creative, calming, and that we would all look out for each other. Build a sense of community and a sense of varied deep connection that I’ve always yearned for.I wanted to have that for my own children so they knew in their hearts that there’s so many people around who love them and want to see them grow and flourish.
I wanted old and new to bond, grow, become my village, my family’s village. 
One began to emerge out of the ether, it was blending, it was growing, I could feel my creativity humming, joy at having multiple kids running around the yard, communal foods to prepare and share. People to rely on, being meaningfully relied upon. Laughter, ideas new and old to be discussed, challenged, stimulated. 
I envisioned an ever growing merry band of misfits that looked out for each other, helped foster our creative and spiritual natures, supported and gently challenged and nurtured each other. Creating a safe open environment for our children to learn acceptance, forgiveness and that vulnerability is strength. 
As fast as it felt it was coming together it seemed to fall apart. Why? Ego? Life? Pettiness? Misunderstanding? Time? Jealousy about perceived positions? Circumstances? No room for change, understanding, vulnerability, acceptance or forgiveness?I have been given many reasons, many ‘justifications’, and maybe I’m too naive or stupid to get it, but I never understood the actual why.
I just knew that no one read my play. No one read the words or understood the meaning. They all had their own stage production they were mounting. No one acknowledged how important these connections, village mind, if you will, can be for mental and emotional survival. How beautiful it could be. Especially given our current world state. 
So it collapsed upon itself. Seemingly having fault lines and divides appear. Coldness replacing warmth. Excuses to not get together, eventually no plans and in some cases silence.
I maintained hope that after a time it would come back together. I lamented to a friend about how deeply I missed all of it. I was harshly told I was being stupid, no one wanted to put the time and effort in. No one wanted these things. Just me, and I should knock it off. Although I was apologized to later and told it should have been put in a nicer way it didn’t matter. It stung and it broke my hope.
I withdrew. Fearful of trying to plan gatherings, bringing people together and the stress and anxiety this now caused.Sad at how restrictive it felt. Isolated that I was the only one who seemed to treasure and miss what had begun.Looking for contentment in smaller, less frequent visits with various people.
Today another friend who was a part of this mentioned to me how she too missed it and was remiss to mention that for fear of making my heart ache.Bless her. While yes it awoke an ache, no more so than FB memories from that time, (I choose to not share them. I sigh, shed a tear, stay quiet and scroll past, for fear others have a very different view and it will cause discord)I am so grateful that someone else misses it. Saw the potential for what it could have been. I don’t feel quite so stupid or naive.
I don’t know what may happen, if anything in the future. If my ‘play’ will ever come to fruition and who the ‘players’ may be.At least I know what is possible in the right time, circumstances and knowledge. And for that I’m gratefulI’m grateful for the connections I had and those I continue to have. I have gratitude for the abundance that is in my life. I am grateful for what is shared and can be shared.
Thanks for reading. 
💜❤️💜

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