But you seem like you have it together……. 1

I have what is classified as a Generalized Anxiety Disorder, with a small side of PTSD and BFRB.
GAD- or generalized anxiety disorder makes it sound so mild. It’s not. Even when it’s not in the forefront, it is still there. The following are symptoms I can have to varying degrees at anytime.
Physical feelings of anxiety (e.g. heart racing, sweating, stomach discomfort) Feeling fidgety, restless or unable to sit still Feeling irritable, getting easily upset, snapping at people for minor reasons Sleep problems: this can include having a hard time falling asleep, waking up frequently during the night, or having a restless and unsatisfying sleep Difficulty paying attention or concentrating Being easily fatigued Muscle pains (often in the neck and shoulders) Paranoia that I am disliked, being set up, used, laughed at.  Digestive issues ( mine were some of my first symptoms and originally diagnosed as IBS) that get bad enough I can’t eat.

PTSD- or post traumatic stress disorder is actually one of my milder issues ( although for many others this is a devastating and debilitating condition in its own right). I only seem to get involuntary physical/emotional reactions when certain areas of my body ( neck, jaw, shoulder and feet) are touched without warning and/or I am already in an anxious state.For the most part my PTSD has just resulted in a ‘Swiss cheese’ type memory, periodic runs of vicious, vivid nightmares, relating to the first 20 years of my life.
BFRB- or body focused repetitive behaviours. Again this is relatively minor for me, but can have serious repercussions for others. I continually bite the inside of my lip, tongue and cheeks.
A few other symptoms I can have are: Tremors/ shakes in my hands ( mostly left). Again my left hand will tightly clench into a fist at night. Issues with my TMJ, chronic headaches. My breath can become ‘hitched’ like I’ve been crying and can’t catch it. The inability / fear to talk on the phone. Areas of old physical trauma burn like they are on fire. Defeatist/ negative talk becomes overwhelming. 

When I was young and running the gamut of trying to get a proper diagnosis ( no I’m not depressed, hysterical, just trying to get attention…….etc) I was medicated often. I self medicated often. I acted out, stealing, promiscuity, cutting, drug use……
I discovered that the standard medications had very negative effects for me. My symptoms would get worse or the side effects, even the most obscure would be unbearable. I am grateful that these medications exist, I know they help some of my most beloved friends and family. It just never worked for me.
With varying degrees of success I had begun to build coping strategies/ mechanisms.
I replaced promiscuous behaviours with trying to eat myself to death ( 400+ pounds is where I topped out at 28)
I became a driven achiever 
Cutting became less frequent, but well hidden outbursts of hitting a wall or something equivalent until I was bruised became a more ‘acceptable’ outlet.
I would write, but the ‘characters’ I would create to be my avatars always met a vicious and violent end.
As I became a Mother and have gotten older there are better strategies I have created, a much cleaner diet, more physical activity, massage, alternative therapies, meditation. I still write fictions and battles but now the avatar finds strength, sometimes help, sometimes faith, but ultimately overcomes. Beautiful symbols and art are now tattoos that have replaced the ugly scaring of self harm. Making sure to get family time and time outside can also help. Getting time to shut down and be alone is also necessary. But the demons are still there, pretty quiet at times, raging psychos the next.

I am now in my mid forties, a mom of an amazing 11 year old girl, in love with the same man for 25 years. I run a successful business. I’m still plagued by demons. I have for the most part kept myself busy enough that I could out run them, ignore them because I didn’t have time to deal with it. What I had been doing up until then had got me far, served me mostly well. Just keep plugging along. Break in the shower, keep the ‘twitches’ hidden as best as you can. Write a little, work harder, achieve more……

Circumstance, age, chronic injury and fatigue have forced my hand into reexamining my mental health, coping mechanisms, accountability, boundaries and complacency. This has not been a fast paced journey. This has been a brutal path. Exhilarating, terrifying, beyond challenging, emotional and definitely not for the faint of heart. Four years ago I knew something needed to change. I just didn’t know what that was going to look like. I didn’t know the work involved. I had no idea how much of my darkness I have faced and continue to do so. This is where the spiral begins……..