Return of the Prison Guard

When I was in my mid twenties a new monster moved in with my existing crew in my head. It was a fear I had never had before- one of social interaction. I stopped wanting to go out, I did not want people over ( I would get physically ill, nausea, vertigo, tinnitus)and every time the phone rang I would cry.

There was a specific catalyst at that time that triggered that additional anxiety response. Had I not fought my way through, it had begun to threaten my career, friendships, my tenuous sanity, I would have been lost completely.

The left over, so I thought, was just not being able to talk on the phone for any great length.

Twenty years later……. ‘Heeeerrrrrreee’ssss Johnny’

Yes, there has been a catalyst/ situation again ( not the same type of situation but creating a similar response).
This monster stealthily has crept in since just before my birthday this year. ( at least as far as I can acknowledge).

At first I made the assumption that I was just going inward due to too much life stress.
But recently, when social interaction is suggested or done ( with more than one person, not work related ) I have been making note of my physiological reaction, before, during and after.
Before, (coming on as soon as there is a suggestion), threat of tears, shaky, can’t catch breath, short temper, no appetite for food.
During, (Gods help me if it’s a surprise or last minute plan) I either engage too much, too loud or holding back and not engaging at all but wildly micro monitoring the room. After, moody, tired, tears, no appetite.
All of it over ridden by numbing fear.

I have also become acutely aware of what I’m using for crutches too.

Village, this is not easy. I am sad, scared and frustrated. I am doing my best to use the tools I have.
I miss my tribe gatherings.
I miss hanging with my crew at large.
I miss connecting, engaging, learning and being enthralled with your stories, your excitement, your experiences.
I’m trying to show my daughter better

I’m not sure what/when the resolution will be. But I am doing my part with what I have learned ( am learning). I’m trying to be accountable for what’s mine and let go ( not control) what’s not.

All I ask is that you don’t give up on me.
Stay looking out for each other and have patience with those of us who are sick with the unseen ❤️💜

Thank you for reading.