News From the Anxiety Front Line

As much as the acute part of an anxiety attack can be scary and frustrating. It’s the after affects (of the big ones) I find the hardest to live with. 

This past week was a tough one. 

Last Monday I could feel a slight tingly buzz at the base of my skull. This is often a first sign that my system is about to go off. 

I did as best as I could with meditation but I was irritable most of the day and the buzzing came and went. I could feel how tight my jaw was clenching. My train of thought easily disrupted 

Tuesday and Wednesday were full on tilt, but life did not stop. Sleep was broken, short, restless. So while I was having increased buzzing, my right ear was ringing, I get almost what feels like chills periodically timed with the weird buzz at the base of my skull. I could not breathe and when I would try, it would catch. I was nauseous and had no appetite. It was hard to maintain focus and eye contact. I had a splitting headache from forcing myself to maintain ‘normalcies’ if you will. 

There is a myriad of other physical symptoms that come along. 

Thursday the worst of the actual anxiety had passed, my brain was still foggy but I no longer felt my emotions raw on the surface, threatening to break. Focus was still hard. Exhausted, my body hurt. Every muscle stung. Joints creak and groan. My appetite still off. 

By Friday I felt like I had been dragged behind a car. Existing injuries and areas of issue were flared up. Fog still present but it was easier to follow conversation. Still hard to maintain eye contact. 

We are now on to Sunday. Since Friday afternoon I have been in more of a ‘shut down’. I’m still having a hard time meditating and articulating in conversation. Some irritability, and the feeling I could cry. There are areas that still hurt on my body, in my head. 

Yes, this was a particularly bad run ( these seem to occur after a prolonged stretch of ‘life’ stuff). 

Yes, I did many proactive things this last week. I tried exercise ( body pain inhibited me), meditation ( could not focus breath or thought), I tried to make good food choices when I could eat, I spent time in nature, wrote as best I could, got a massage, tried my best to find places to discuss what was in my head. 

There was a time that days, weeks and I’m even sure months had been stolen by my mental monsters. It rare for something like this to last more than a couple of days now, I’ve worked hard enough at my skills that I can defeat most of these episodes in hours. 

I am frustrated that sometimes it takes so long to pass. I am frustrated that this one was beyond my control. I am frustrated that it has to taken me this long to feel what I hope I was passing for most of the week, semi normal. 

I’m angry that my monsters allowed situations to build so much in my head it has stolen a week of my life.

But as I have every day this week, I will get up tomorrow, I will plant my feet, I will try to breathe, I will get on with the day. I will do everything I can to keep the monsters quiet. I will live my life.